I still have a few days left before the weekend, but I have this dark gray cloud looming over me that is Steve's last week of training 3 hours away from home. It might as well be halfway around the world; the point is that he won't be living here in the house with us for another full week. We made it through the first two weeks of his training like this, (just barely, and only with the help of family, without whom I would have fallen apart completely!) but it is still daunting. I feel like a whiny little kid considering a lot of the single moms I know who deal with the responsibility of raising a child on their own every day, but at the same time, dealing with a kid who has Johnny's specific needs and triggers when they so often line up with my own can be extremely challenging.
In Steve's words, "I don't know how someone who deals with kids his age regularly can spend any length of time with him and not see that he is different. He is awesome, but he isn't the same as other kids his age." I'm not saying that when he gets older Johnny will be diagnosed with the same thing I am, (well, technically he can't be, since Asperger's Syndrome is being dissolved into the spectrum entirely before the end of this year) or that he will have a pinpointed issue at all. Goodness knows, they didn't finally diagnose me until I was 21. That's the problem with the narrow-mindedness of mental healthcare in this country. "You must exhibit 9 out of 10 traits in the top-10 section of the 100 trait long list..." Never mind the fact that you fit a good 70 of the rest of them. Who can plot personality on a piece of paper? Who can truly know someone in one or two 30 minute sessions? How can a short snapshot of time outweigh the feedback and pleas of a parent for help with ways to meet their child on equal footing to help create a better understanding and more consistent positive interactions?
At times I feel lucky that I of all people ended up being his mama. I often am able to understand him and follow his thought process when others are completely lost because he is having a hard time or isn't communicating at all. I think it is part of why sometimes I'm able to be more patient with him when other people get annoyed or upset. Johnny seems to be making a big deal out of nothing or just whining for no reason, but in reality he has a very justifiable excuse for his reaction-- he just isn't able to calm down long enough to explain it because he is too emotional. That is when the parenting part of things kicks in. It is going to be a long road, trying to work with him on leveling out his emotions. When the wiring is different and people aren't understanding his initial attempts at communicating a problem or thought, it is really rough trying to overcome the instinct to lash out. I still struggle with this all of the time. Everyone does, but for people on the spectrum, it is much more intense.
The problems come between the two of us when his reactions to things that are upsetting him are triggers for me and he continues to repeat them. (Or when he is simply doing something that is a calming technique for him that crosses over into my trigger areas.)
In general, I've found that I have a higher tolerance for my son overstepping boundaries that trigger me than I do anyone else. For example: I really don't like it when people touch my face. If I'm ready for it or I see it coming, I can handle it with a little more grace than straight up freaking out, but I still HATE it. The only time it is okay for someone to touch my face is if I am the one to initiate it, like with a baby, picking it up and letting it touch my face. Johnny has a tendency to crawl all over me. He wants to "be with me" at all times, something that I remember doing to my mom constantly. (Mama-- I apologize!) When he is doing this, he is constantly touching my face, turning my head so that I look at him, stroking my cheek, and so on. I ask him to stop, I tell him to stop, I push his hands away and threaten to make him sit by himself. I threaten to get up and walk away, and then I start to lose it and have to leave. But like I said, props to me for the higher tolerance with my kiddo, because with most people, I wouldn't have made it past the first time without practically snapping their finger off. You don't touch my face.
It is in instances like I've just described that I've gone wrong during the other two weeks Steve has been gone. I've felt the need to spend extra time with Johnny to fill the role of both mom and dad because I know that Steve isn't coming home at the end of the day. Even at that, I feel like I'm sticking him in front of the TV all too much and handing his iPad to him constantly and telling him to "go downstairs and give mommy some alone time" so that I can try and stay sane. And this isn't a matter of not wanting to handle single parenting for the short amount of time that I have to do things on my own, it is truly a matter of finding a way around ending up in situations that spiral out of control. We trigger each other. I never realized how much having Steve come home at the end of the day (even though for the past few months his schedule only allowed him to see Johnny for 10 minutes after Johnny was already supposed to be in bed) helped keep us from endlessly bouncing back and forth. Without that guaranteed mental stability walking in the door every night, I began for the first time to question who was running the house. I've always been able to out-stubborn our kid when no one else could, but man!
With this next week alone, I'm trying to prepare myself for another week of nightmares and absolutely no sleep for me. Both weeks without Steve involved an 8:30pm bedtime for Johnny that resulted in what averaged out to be around a 2:30am actual sleep time, followed by regular night terrors that woke him every 5-10 minutes. This resulted in no real quality sleep for him and absolutely none for myself. This also meant that any chance of having a well-behaved child went right out the window. My own lack of sleep lowered my tolerance for the times when he triggered me. The compounding problems just kept stacking up!
The problems at school didn't help either, though I have a feeling they were part of the self-perpetuating cycle that began with his lack of sleep. I'm afraid it is all going to start again when Steve leaves. Since he drives out on Sunday and Johnny doesn't go back to school until Tuesday, we will be well into the "daddy isn't at home" blues by that point. By the time the second week had rolled around before, Johnny was refusing to go to school at all. This was a problem for me because Steve had taken our only car. If Johnny didn't get on that bus when it came to a stop outside the front door, he wasn't going to school at all. I wasn't going to make it through the day if I didn't get a few hours to myself to catch up on some sleep. I finally figured out that if I sent him in a super hero costume, he felt safe. He wore an outfit every day. If I have to send him in an outfit every day next week, guess what he is going to school in? I'm getting that boy on the bus, no matter what it takes! Sadly, I wasn't able to get any sleep even on the days when he did have school. And then there was the day they canceled school because of snow...
This just has to be a better week. Maybe with the knowledge that it is the last one, and going into it having just had him home for a full week...? It will be worth it, though. Steve has a better job that he absolutely loves! It pays more, has good benefits, and the hours allow us to be a whole family together again instead of the ridiculous hours he was working before. -- As soon as training ends!
In Steve's words, "I don't know how someone who deals with kids his age regularly can spend any length of time with him and not see that he is different. He is awesome, but he isn't the same as other kids his age." I'm not saying that when he gets older Johnny will be diagnosed with the same thing I am, (well, technically he can't be, since Asperger's Syndrome is being dissolved into the spectrum entirely before the end of this year) or that he will have a pinpointed issue at all. Goodness knows, they didn't finally diagnose me until I was 21. That's the problem with the narrow-mindedness of mental healthcare in this country. "You must exhibit 9 out of 10 traits in the top-10 section of the 100 trait long list..." Never mind the fact that you fit a good 70 of the rest of them. Who can plot personality on a piece of paper? Who can truly know someone in one or two 30 minute sessions? How can a short snapshot of time outweigh the feedback and pleas of a parent for help with ways to meet their child on equal footing to help create a better understanding and more consistent positive interactions?
At times I feel lucky that I of all people ended up being his mama. I often am able to understand him and follow his thought process when others are completely lost because he is having a hard time or isn't communicating at all. I think it is part of why sometimes I'm able to be more patient with him when other people get annoyed or upset. Johnny seems to be making a big deal out of nothing or just whining for no reason, but in reality he has a very justifiable excuse for his reaction-- he just isn't able to calm down long enough to explain it because he is too emotional. That is when the parenting part of things kicks in. It is going to be a long road, trying to work with him on leveling out his emotions. When the wiring is different and people aren't understanding his initial attempts at communicating a problem or thought, it is really rough trying to overcome the instinct to lash out. I still struggle with this all of the time. Everyone does, but for people on the spectrum, it is much more intense.
The problems come between the two of us when his reactions to things that are upsetting him are triggers for me and he continues to repeat them. (Or when he is simply doing something that is a calming technique for him that crosses over into my trigger areas.)
In general, I've found that I have a higher tolerance for my son overstepping boundaries that trigger me than I do anyone else. For example: I really don't like it when people touch my face. If I'm ready for it or I see it coming, I can handle it with a little more grace than straight up freaking out, but I still HATE it. The only time it is okay for someone to touch my face is if I am the one to initiate it, like with a baby, picking it up and letting it touch my face. Johnny has a tendency to crawl all over me. He wants to "be with me" at all times, something that I remember doing to my mom constantly. (Mama-- I apologize!) When he is doing this, he is constantly touching my face, turning my head so that I look at him, stroking my cheek, and so on. I ask him to stop, I tell him to stop, I push his hands away and threaten to make him sit by himself. I threaten to get up and walk away, and then I start to lose it and have to leave. But like I said, props to me for the higher tolerance with my kiddo, because with most people, I wouldn't have made it past the first time without practically snapping their finger off. You don't touch my face.
It is in instances like I've just described that I've gone wrong during the other two weeks Steve has been gone. I've felt the need to spend extra time with Johnny to fill the role of both mom and dad because I know that Steve isn't coming home at the end of the day. Even at that, I feel like I'm sticking him in front of the TV all too much and handing his iPad to him constantly and telling him to "go downstairs and give mommy some alone time" so that I can try and stay sane. And this isn't a matter of not wanting to handle single parenting for the short amount of time that I have to do things on my own, it is truly a matter of finding a way around ending up in situations that spiral out of control. We trigger each other. I never realized how much having Steve come home at the end of the day (even though for the past few months his schedule only allowed him to see Johnny for 10 minutes after Johnny was already supposed to be in bed) helped keep us from endlessly bouncing back and forth. Without that guaranteed mental stability walking in the door every night, I began for the first time to question who was running the house. I've always been able to out-stubborn our kid when no one else could, but man!
With this next week alone, I'm trying to prepare myself for another week of nightmares and absolutely no sleep for me. Both weeks without Steve involved an 8:30pm bedtime for Johnny that resulted in what averaged out to be around a 2:30am actual sleep time, followed by regular night terrors that woke him every 5-10 minutes. This resulted in no real quality sleep for him and absolutely none for myself. This also meant that any chance of having a well-behaved child went right out the window. My own lack of sleep lowered my tolerance for the times when he triggered me. The compounding problems just kept stacking up!
The problems at school didn't help either, though I have a feeling they were part of the self-perpetuating cycle that began with his lack of sleep. I'm afraid it is all going to start again when Steve leaves. Since he drives out on Sunday and Johnny doesn't go back to school until Tuesday, we will be well into the "daddy isn't at home" blues by that point. By the time the second week had rolled around before, Johnny was refusing to go to school at all. This was a problem for me because Steve had taken our only car. If Johnny didn't get on that bus when it came to a stop outside the front door, he wasn't going to school at all. I wasn't going to make it through the day if I didn't get a few hours to myself to catch up on some sleep. I finally figured out that if I sent him in a super hero costume, he felt safe. He wore an outfit every day. If I have to send him in an outfit every day next week, guess what he is going to school in? I'm getting that boy on the bus, no matter what it takes! Sadly, I wasn't able to get any sleep even on the days when he did have school. And then there was the day they canceled school because of snow...
This just has to be a better week. Maybe with the knowledge that it is the last one, and going into it having just had him home for a full week...? It will be worth it, though. Steve has a better job that he absolutely loves! It pays more, has good benefits, and the hours allow us to be a whole family together again instead of the ridiculous hours he was working before. -- As soon as training ends!
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