the 'burgh

We took a little trip to Pittsburgh for the weekend. Little dude did pretty well over all, though he chose to test my patience once or twice. Saturday we took him to one of my favorite places in the whole world when I was his age: the Carnegie Science Center. My grandma (his GG) used to take me there whenever we went to Pittsburgh to visit other family. As I expected, the kiddo was in his element. All of the hands-on things to play with had him excited and he even ignored some of the things that would have typically set him off. He even went through a submarine (which required him to walk over grates where you could see the floor below-- something that scares the daylights out of him) and found a way to face his fears. After stopping off for a wonderful dinner on the way home, we all piled on the couch to watch Tangled before bed.

Today we went to several places for Christy to look at possible puppies to adopt. She has decided she isn't 100% committed yet, but wanted to get a sense for what her options are. I was proud of the kid for how well he did when he was having a difficult time with a very loud dog room at the Humane Society. He got upset and shouted to me (so I could hear him over the noise) but didn't scream or throw a tantrum. I forgot to take his little earmuff things, and that was my bad. I felt horrible that I had spaced on bringing them, even after having earlier mentioned to Christy that it would be a good idea if I did. Oh well, he was a trooper!

Now we have made it home and the cold I was starting to get when we arrived in Pittsburgh is now full-blown. I'm glad we came back before I got too bad, because now I can't breathe and I have a headache, sore throat: the works. Off to bed I go...

pottys & parties

It has been a very full weekend for the little dude. Friday night we went to Bellefonte to ride the Halloween Train with my dad and his girlfriend. They had replaced the lights inside with colored ones, decorated the windows and filled the cars with volunteers who walked around telling jokes and handing out candy to the kids. For as excited as Johnny was about the train ride, he wasn't able to keep his eyes open for more than the first 20 minutes of the hour long event. By the time we returned to town, he had enjoyed a decent nap and was wired again.

After driving back to State College, we went to catch the tail end of Steve's sister Sue's wedding rehearsal dinner. There were a lot of people there, and somewhere along the line Johnny found some toys to play with. He had a blast, but was excited to go home... because he had a prize waiting for him! Johnny went the entire day (from the night before, actually) in the same diaper! We fussed over him a lot and he won a cool new book and temporary pirate-themed tattoos. 

The next day was the wedding. We had a lot of errands to run, but Johnny used the potty at Kohl's when he said he needed to go. I bought him the cutest little "formal" outfit to wear for the evening. When we got home from shopping he napped for a while, then we got ready to go. For having been at the wedding from about 4:45 until almost 9:00, I was impressed with the little dude!!! He didn't talk during the ceremony, he didn't throw a fit at any point, he used the potty twice, and he ate his dinner. We brought noise-canceling headphones (like you wear at the shooting range) with us because I knew that the DJ's equipment in the smaller ballroom was going to be quite loud. Johnny did ask for them and ended up wearing them the majority of the time we were in there. Boy, did he dance! He asked the DJ to play "What Does the Fox Say?" for him, but the DJ had no idea what he was talking about. (For someone working in the music business, I'm kind of ashamed for him...) Anyway, the evening came to a close and he was, yet again, in a dry diaper all day. With another new book and a small jar of "slime" to play with, he went to bed happy. 

We ended our weekend today with both a brunch at Grandma Dotty's and then a birthday party this evening at the neighbor's house. Unfortunately, mid-party Johnny informed me that he hadn't made it a third day in a row in a dry diaper. I was bummed. But really, two and a half days without an accident is actually by far the most impressive toilet-training experience in his life so far, so I can't complain. Add in the other day earlier this week that he went without needing changed and I think he has made some serious advancements in the world of potty-ness. (I can make that a word, right?) I am hoping that in the next few days I'll be able to talk him into trying at least a few hours in underwear. As I reminded him, I wasn't kidding when I said I would throw him a party when he is completely potty-trained! 

overwhelmed

Yesterday was one of those days where every single bad thing about my life felt impossible to ignore or overcome. As someone who is medicated to help with mood stabilization, my meds apparently took the day off (despite knowing I hadn't forgotten them that morning and haven't missed a dose in weeks). Obviously I'm not about to spill all the ins-and-outs of my situation to the entire internet, but suffice it to say that I've been dealing with more than my fair share of negative circumstances, and I was feeling extremely alone in my suffering. While my life is returning to "normal" in terms of my ability to take on menial tasks such cleaning some of the house and helping the kid with his projects, my emotions seem to have gone in the opposite direction. Countless people have warned me that at some point a few weeks after losing the baby, this would happen. The thing is, it happened immediately with my first loss. This time, while I was definitely upset and depressed when it first occurred, I seem to have hit an emotional wall head-first, 7 weeks later. (They definitely never mentioned every other aspect of my life would come into play at the same time!) And true to form with my diagnosis of bipolar disorder and the black-and-white of the Asperger's, everything was bad. Nothing about my life was right; I lost a second baby, everything else wasn't working, I had failed to personally accomplish anything in the last 10 years, and all aspects of my relationships with those who were supposed to be close to me were in dire straits.

Yes, yes, in the light of the morning the next day, I'm doing better again. But it doesn't negate how overwhelmed I was yesterday. It doesn't take away all of the pain I am feeling for multiple reasons in my life right now, and it doesn't take away the feeling that there is no one I am able to talk to about all aspects of it. Sure, some people I can discuss one part of my life with and others might be able to listen to a different part, but I currently have no one person I feel I can completely open up to and have be here next to me for comfort. There is something seriously wrong with that, and yet, it is the story of my life. People don't "get" me, and they certainly don't seem interested in trying to. Believe it or not, despite the preconceptions of those with Asperger's, I am extremely invested in my relationships with others and desperately want for things to be two-sided. I can be one of the most supportive friends anyone could ever have, if only people would let me be.

Anyway, enough of the depressing. My own little therapeutic use of blogging to express myself is done for the day. In the meantime, I will share the one bright spot of my day yesterday. It is actually quite a big deal for those who know what all I've been through with Johnny's sensory problems over the past two and a half years...

Johnny went all day in the same diaper! From bed time the night before until bed time last night (and still this morning, actually) he has been in one single dry diaper. He has never before only used the potty like this. He got a big prize at the end of the day and promises of yet another if he can do it again. If I can ever get him to do this a good 3 or 4 days in a row, I'm going to even more enthusiastically push "big boy underwear" on him. At 4 1/2, it isn't something you can literally force on a kid, but it is definitely something you can talk them into if they are having a lot of success!

*So proud!*

returning to normal

Tomorrow marks 7 weeks post-op for me. I was officially cleared for "duty" (okay, life at a normal speed) a week ago based on time passed, but I'm still in a surprising amount of pain. I went to the doctor's office, and he was able to explain to me why this is: I'm scarred. Because of what all they had to do during the surgery, there was a high potential for internal scarring to begin with let alone when my genetics (yay hemophilia!) are added to the mix. Because the abdomen is in constant use, being the core of the body, those scars have had to form, break apart from movement, cause bleeding and more scarring, and then start the cycle all over again by breaking apart. He said that this will happen continually until some scars form that are in just the right size, shape and position that my body can continue to move around them without causing pain by brushing up against anything else. 

All of this means that while I should be relatively good to go, I'll most likely stay in some pain for the next few months. So basically, I have to just pretend that I'm fine and get back to normal. Okay then! I decided to take Johnny to Way Fruit Farm for their Fall Festival yesterday. Now mind you, as with all activities even prior to my surgery, I gauged his mood and the likelihood of multiple problem behaviors occurring and then decided upon our day's activities from there. Since he had spent a pretty happy morning hanging out around the house and had received a sufficient amount of sleep the night before, I took the risk and went for it.

We had a blast!

We got some popcorn and walked around the various vendor stalls, got our faces painted with matching balloons, flung apples in a sling-shot in the attempt to hit a truck out in a field, (which he did do successfully, telling me how it was just like Angry Birds) and took a tractor ride out into the pumpkin patch to pick out one to take home. We were pretty far into our visit to the farm when I realized that I had brought my son there by myself. Yeah, duh, I knew that. But what I didn't think about when it did it was that we might be standing a football field's distance into the pumpkin patch before he could find the perfect one to take home. I even talked him into picking a "smaller one" compared to his original choice, and we ended up buying one that weighed just over 23lbs. That doesn't sound too heavy when you think about some of the other items people tote around in daily life, especially those with children, but wow! I don't think the doc meant that I should be carrying toddler-size pumpkins all over creation when he said it was okay to "try to be normal" in my daily activities. It has been over 24 hours now and I'm still feeling the hurt. 

Despite the lack of foresight on my part, the trip overall was a success. Johnny made a lot of good choices when he could have done otherwise, and with constant encouragement I am proud to say that we didn't have even a single meltdown! I'm glad I decided to take him again this year, even though Steve couldn't come.