exhausted

I am so tired, I can't even begin to describe it. The house is mostly packed, though I know I'll never get all of the little things done before the time comes. I've spent the last day and a half trying to get as much homework done as possible in advance so that when the time comes to move, I won't have to worry about school. However, everything getting packed up means that Johnny is without pretty much all of his toys at the moment. While I didn't have him over the weekend, and I only have him one more full day between now and the move, I feel bad that he is left without much to do. I typically make a point of not finding ways to entertain him every second of the day and instead force him to play independently some, but I have a feeling that the next few days are going to involve more screen time than I would usually allow. On the up side, he at least has a play date coming up on Thursday evening while I move stuff!

What I need is a full 24 hours to sleep, with nothing hanging over me that needs to be done. I know, funny, right? In a dream world...

a question of timing

So... when do you tell your kid that you've started dating? I mean, he is 5. It wouldn't be so much hey, I'm dating now as it would be here, meet the guy I'm serious about. But at that, when has enough time passed? Johnny is still wrapping his head around the idea that mommy and daddy aren't married anymore. Obviously we're nowhere near that point quite yet because he wouldn't handle it well at all, but it still poses an interesting question. And really, for any of you who know me, I don't fall that easily but when I do, I fall hard and fast. While I've only really been in love twice, I also have grown and experienced enough to know exactly what I want and need in a man. When I am certain that I have who and what I want, it is going to be hard for me to wait around. As within all aspects of life, I am struggling to understand balance. Where is the line drawn that takes Johnny from unready to handle something like that to good-to-go? He is 16 years younger than I was when my parents got divorced... I don't know how to approach it from that age/angle. I know that it took me a very long time to adjust to the idea of my mom remarrying, (she had been married to my step-dad Chris for about a year before I was finally okay with it) but Johnny hasn't experienced much of life yet... how much does he really comprehend time in longer amounts than days or weeks? How long would it take for him to stop seeing mommy and daddy as a single unit and instead view us as two different parts of his life? Moving into a new house away from the one we once shared together as a family will be immensely helpful, I'm sure. But still... I have no idea how (or when) I'm going to do this.

Little Man doesn't handle change well. I wish my adult life and choices didn't impact him so much.

clowns

I have to say, I really think that even though Johnny has only been to 2 sessions so far, his new Art Therapy appointments have been going really well and have been helpful. The other day, Johnny had his appointment right before we were leaving town to go to the circus in Altoona with my mom and step-dad. Johnny was really anxious about going, and he was convinced that the clowns would be too scary. We talked about it during his therapy session, and his therapist explained that whenever he didn't want to see them, all he had to do was close his eyes or turn away. She told him that they are normal people who are just dressed up silly, and that it is okay if he doesn't like them.

Come time for the circus, Johnny still seemed a little anxious. The circus was at the Jaffa Shrine, (Masons) and my step-dad Chris belongs to the fraternity. Both Pappy Chris and Grammy knew all of the guys dressed up as clowns, and one of them had said that he wanted to meet Chris' grandson. We took Johnny on down to the floor and over to their friend, and at first Johnny was really shy and turned away. When Grammy explained that she knew that clown and that they are friends, Johnny warmed up a little. Then the clown pulled out an extra red nose to give to Johnny. The smile that lit up his face was amazing! I couldn't be more proud of how he ended up handling the situation, and afterward he repeatedly informed us that clowns "aren't really scary" and that some of them are even "cool".

The little steps forward keep me grounded in the middle of all of this chaos.

in the very merry month of may

The month of May is shaping up to be a complete disaster. Starting off with us moving, which I'm really excited about but expect will bring some issues for Johnny because he hates change, (don't we all?) and Steve immediately going on vacation without him, to Mother's Day being right after Steve returns, (which means I will most likely just hand the kiddo over because he will be an absolute nightmare for me after a whole week with no daddy, so why torture myself?) and ending with a week where Steve is working every hour that Johnny will be awake, (resulting in a second "no daddy" week) and I'm just dreading the whole month.

Run-on sentence enough for ya? That's how I feel about the whole thing.

Johnny is still emotionally all over the place for me but remaining an angel for his daddy. I was hoping that by now, 2 months in, I would have started to see a bit of a ceasefire when it comes to his attitude toward me. We're still experiencing screaming fits about how horrible I am and how I am keeping him from the parent he really loves. I'm a mean, horrible mommy who he doesn't want to be with. I never let him do anything he wants to do. My favorite moment recently *sarcasm, heavy sarcasm* was when he hid under the table at his dad's and cried, telling his dad that he doesn't want to get in trouble with daddy because he is always in trouble with mommy. You'd think I beat the child the way he reacts when he is forced to spend time with me. He has decided on multiple occasions to go the entire day without acknowledging my existence. Like I said, I'm just thrilled about the reaction I'm going to get when he finds out that he is going to go a long stretch without daddy, twice, in the month of May. I'm praying that when I take him to the beach for a week in June, he doesn't flip out on me for even more for "no daddy" time. It won't be much of a vacation if he spends the whole time screaming at me. I'm insistent on trying, though. I really want to visit my friends in Maryland, and I am excited about getting to meet their kids. Hopefully all of our boys will get along really well!

Anyway, other than May looking like it will potentially be the worst month of my life, (yes, I'm dramatic) I'm glad that the big move is almost here. I've spent most of today packing. Really, I think that the most interesting part of my afternoon has been going through a bunch of childhood and high school papers that I didn't even realize I still had. It has been cool reliving my life through the eyes I possessed at all of those points in time. Now I wonder all the more what my son will be like at each of those stages in his own life.

Love him. Can we skip May?

party fun

As usual, I had a little bit too much fun putting together Johnny's birthday party. Mario & Luigi party items aren't really sold anymore, so I made everything by hand. In the end, I believe the Birthday Boy really enjoyed himself, and I am thrilled at how everything turned out. The day even went better than last year's party, with only one minor setback in terms of Johnny's behavior. Honestly, it wasn't even an issue that he would have known how to handle prior to it coming up... no kid knows what to do when they open a present they don't want until it happens and they are then instructed on the proper way to react publicly.

Kids --all kids-- sometimes get presents that they aren't to thrilled about. My whole family will never forget the Christmas that my cousin was around 5 or 6 years old and he got hangers as a gift. Granted, it was an odd present, but all of us got some... Ethan, however, began to whine and cry. "But I don't WANT hangers for Christmas!!!" Every kid has a moment like that in their life, and apparently this year Johnny was going to experience that on his birthday. Thank goodness that the gift was from his GG, who is totally understanding and wasn't the least bit phased when Johnny cried out, "I don't want THIS! NO THANK YOU GG!" and folded his arms with a scowl of protest. Funnily enough, it was actually something he had asked me for countless times, (and didn't ever get) and I hadn't even told GG that he wanted it. However, when the kid is yelling and being rude about a present someone has given him, it becomes time to teach a life lesson.

You are allowed to not like a present.

You are not allowed to whine and complain about it to that person.

"No thank you" is the right way to handle food you don't like, (after trying some) but isn't okay for presents.

You say "thank you" and keep your thoughts to yourself for the moment. That person picked out a present just for you, and your words might hurt their feelings.

Smile, be polite, and then you can tell mommy or daddy that you didn't want that present later.

Make sure that when you tell mommy or daddy, you're alone with them.

He did begrudgingly go over and give GG a hug, still with a scowl, and then worry about "hiding" the present from his view. But really, an unwanted gift for a child is something that you don't really think to prep them for ahead of time... it is one of those circumstances that is handled when it arises.

Anyway, check out the awesome party I threw, because I'm super excited about it:

Cloud Jell-O Parfait

1-up Mushroom Cupcakes

Food Table

"Adult" Table

Kid's Table

The Birthday Boy

Friend, Jadyn

Grandpa "Without the Mustache" (found one!) and Miss Deb

Present Time!

Johnny's New iPad

Like I said, I had quite a bit of fun putting it all together. It took a bit of creativity and a whole lot of time, but I think it turned out well. I enjoyed making everything, and I am happy that Little Man had a good time.

Next year: bouncy house! 

here comes the sun

We finally got outside yesterday!!! Actually, I spent all but the end of my day with Johnny outside in the fresh air. I arrived at the house in time to let Steve get to work by 12:30 or so, and took Johnny over to meet up with Erin and her kids. We took everyone up on to campus with a picnic lunch, (Chick-fil-A) and let them play at the duck pond. After a nice time, we headed back to the house to let the little ones nap and allow Johnny and Ruthie to play outside. Eventually they got in a bit of time riding bikes, and then we went back to our house to play with the neighbor kids for a little while as well. We came in around 6 and relaxed a little because Johnny had declared that he was "totally tired!" and needed to just hang out. Around 7 the meltdowns began. While I wanted to pull my hair out by the time I finally got him off to bed, I think it was really good that he got that much energy out and had a chance to enjoy the sunshine. He slept in until 8:30 this morning!

Today is supposed to be even warmer, though overcast. I'm just excited that spring seems to finally be making an appearance in State College.

That's all! :-)