santa is okay with washing machines

Christmas Eve, Johnny woke around 3, having wet the bed. This has only happened two other times so far, and he was rather devastated. Still half-asleep, he bawled while I grabbed every blanket and pillow in sight, (he keeps an entire pile of them in his room, and at 3am, there is really no telling what all might have been affected) working entirely in the dark. We had a tussle over me taking away his "whites" to be washed with the rest of the blankets, as well as his stuffed Mario. He was sure he'd absolutely die if he didn't have them to sleep with for the rest of the night. I gently nudged him toward the bathroom and asked him to go try and see if he had to go any more ("I DON'T! It's ALL GONE!") while I ran the bundle down to the washing machine.

Coming back up the stairs, I grabbed a few blankets and pillows out of my own room (because I am just as much of a "comfy thing" hoarder as my son) and tossed them onto his bed before joining him in the bathroom. He was standing exactly where I had left him, whimpering softly while, as best I could tell, sleeping on his feet. I felt like the meanest person in the world having to make him endure getting cleaned up, but we got everything taken care of and I took him back to his room. He wasn't happy with the new blankets, ("I NEEEEEED MY WHITES!") but I convinced him that it was a special treat to have mommy's whites for a while. I turned on some music and was about to slip out the door when he sat bolt-upright, fully awake for the first time during the entire process. "But Santa won't come if we are washing clothes! You have to turn it off! NOW! Go turn it off!" The poor little guy was starting to panic.

I asked him why he thought Santa wouldn't come to our house if the washing machine was running. Repeating back to me my bedtime warning to him from a few hours before, he explained that Santa won't come if we are awake. I was confused. We weren't going to be awake. "Santa will THINK we are awake because he will hear the noise!" My heart broke at the sight of my sad little guy. I explained that it was all going to be fine, Santa is okay with washing machines and knows that sometimes people have accidents at night and need to wash things. He would still come, we just had to go back to sleep. I crawled into bed with Little Man for a minute and held him. I was relieved when he began to fall back to sleep quickly, and I snuck out of his room to go play my part as Santa and place all of the gifts under the tree. 

Christmas morning I woke and transferred the load into the drier before Johnny even made a peep. He actually slept until about 8:30, (late for him) and everything was good to go by the time he came downstairs. Johnny forgot all about his Santa worries, and spent his first minutes of Christmas searching for the Christmas Pickle. He even got a "Pickle Present" surprise when he found the ornament! The rest of the morning was spent laughing and excitedly forcing us all to pause every ten minutes mid-unwrapping to play with whatever new toy he had just opened. 

To date, we've had 8 Christmases with various family members and have one left to go on Thursday. It has been a wonderful holiday, and we have been very blessed. I was actually amazed that we made it the whole way through with Johnny still believing in Santa. A week or so after his first encounter with Santa at the mall, the local fire company sent Santa around his grandparent's neighborhood to visit with kids while we were at their house. As I had expected, Johnny noticed the difference, even in the dark. (Check out the video I took here!) Thankfully Santa rolled with it and was able to deflect Johnny's inquisition. So, this year remained a Santa Success! We will have to see what next year brings... 

Happy Holidays, everyone!

72 ways to make me puke

10 steps to potty train your child in only 3 days, guaranteed!

17 books your kid needs read before kindergarten!

15 ways you should show your child you love them!

12 steps to a calmer Christmastime!

18 things I wish I'd known before my kids were grown!

Seriously here people, why? There are not 10 steps to potty training your child in 3 days. Potty training is a highly individual experience and not all methods are going to work for all children. Your list of 17 books gets quite expensive, and the kid won't die if he enters kindergarten without having read them all. If it takes reading a list of 15 ways to show your kids that you love them, you're doing it wrong. 12 steps are for AA, not for being zen during the holidays. Take a deep breath and realize that no two Christmases are alike and that you just need to roll with it. I am glad you have 18 things you wish you had known when you were in my position, but part of parenting is learning to ignore the millions of "experienced" parents with endless advice that never fits your own situation. 

How has the internet become so overrun with this crap? While I appreciate that most of the people posting them honestly feel that they are helping the masses, it is complete bull. There is no magical solution for anyone's problems, and there certainly isn't a list that should dictate how they handle their very personal individual family situation. It isn't so much that these bloggers are specifically wrong or ill-intentioned, but the endless barrage of self-helpers who claim to have the solution are in fact placing pressure on young parents today. Even just 5 years ago, there wasn't this intense push for parents to be perfect. Our new social-media crazed world seems to think that judgment should be passed on every parent who isn't personally teaching their preschooler quantum mechanics while maintaining a Better Homes and Gardens house, running several bake sales and PTA meetings, coaching at least 3 children's sports teams, and never once raising their voice. Heaven forbid a parent be... hmm... let's go with human? 

Is it helpful to get ideas for helping potty train your child? Sure. 

Can you benefit from a list of age-appropriate books that your kid might be interested in? Of course.

Is it sometimes fun to find creative and different ways to share your love? I guess... but it shouldn't be that hard if you really love them. Even the most socially stunted people (like my Asperger's self?) can figure it out.

Could we all use a little relaxation during the Holidays? You bet! But there is nothing on these lists that aren't common sense.

Is there something wrong with sharing your aged wisdom? No, but stop expecting it to be relevant. We are raising children in an entirely different world than you did, and while some of the "basics" may remain the same, you have no idea what we are up against. In the same way, we can respect that you raised us in a world that we will never understand from a parenting perspective. However, when they say "times are more complicated" lately, they aren't joshin around. 

I guess my biggest problem is that all of these people seem to think that their life resembles mine. No one has walked in my shoes, and I haven't walked in anyone else's. Unless they quite literally want to take over my life for me for a good month to really get a feel for my circumstance, I'd rather they shut the heck up. There is just something so presumptuous about telling me that there is a sure-fire way to get what I want in life, especially when it comes to my child. Whatever happened to just living life and learning as we go?

I have my own bit of advice, take it or leave it: stop looking to everyone else for the answers. Not one single potty training method I found online helped my son, they only made me feel worse for having tried everything and "failed". Suggestions are one thing, but people have got to stop promising results if you just follow their list. Yes, no one was forcing me to read those blogs or articles, but at the same time, how can a young mom not be drawn to see if the latest "guaranteed" method for handling "problem x" in her life, when nothing else has worked? I wish there was a way to block these lists like my email blocks out spam. I'm sick of seeing them. I'd like to go back to the world that let parents figure things out on their own, with advice given when asked for instead of flooding them unsolicited at every turn. And for heaven's sake, stop with the judgment! It helps no one.

1 step to raising an awesome kid? Love them.

nekkid

Our most recent "challenge" with Johnny concerns his clothes. You see, traditionally, people wear their clothes. This fact is apparently too much for Little Man to comprehend...

In the middle of the day, randomly, he will walk downstairs after going potty and be in just his underwear. At GG's house, he will somehow mysteriously lose his pants. At his grandma's house, he recently returned from the bathroom with nothing on. When we ask him where his clothes went, we get a very literal description of where. When we ask him why his clothes have been taken off, he almost always answers with, "I didn't need them!"

Um, yes you do.

Now, some may say that this is payback for me. I am notorious for (when home alone, in the company of my husband or maybe my sister, not just random people) not being the best about making sure I'm entirely dressed. Pants are overrated in my opinion. Modesty has never really been something I've been concerned with, because we all have the same parts, and people can just chill out. I'm not saying I wear provocative clothing, I just tended to be the girl in college who didn't mind wearing only a towel between the bathroom and my bedroom.

When it was my kid running around Target without a shirt on while I chased after him, I began to have a more firm stance on what is appropriate and what isn't. More than anything, this stems from the need for him to understand that there are people in the world who might hurt him. I appreciate that he just now finished potty training, so underwear is still something exciting that he wants to show off, but he can't!

I think perhaps it is my fault in part for letting him spend half of the summer running around in nothing but his diaper. We were at home, alone, and it was hot. Like, really hot. I didn't even think about the fact that I was setting the precedent for how clothing should be regarded. Of course I clothed him when we were leaving the house to go somewhere, but how could he know why I chose to make him wear clothes in one circumstance and let him run around without clothes on the rest of the time? So, it really is my fault. However, I'm not entirely sure how to change his mindset now that he keeps stripping in public. Nothing I say seems to get through to him.

I would also like to note that there is a mound of snow as high as my front door in our yard right now. How is he not cold?! I would have thought that at least winter would discourage such displays. Our house hovers around 63 degrees during the winter months, often prompting me to wear a hoodie. I'm not quite sure how I am going to convince the kid to cover up, but it has to be done!

santa

I have been lucky so far... Johnny still seems to believe in Santa. We didn't take him to see Santa at the mall last year because he was afraid of costumed characters (the Nittany Lion scared him half to death at the time) and so he didn't really seem to care whether or not there was a Santa and what he supposedly did. This year however, Johnny has gotten over his fear of people who are dressed up. He directly asked the Nittany Lion at a hockey game earlier this year, "Did you eat someone?" because he could see the person inside of the lion's mouth since that is how the poor guy is supposed to see. Johnny was so casual and conversational about it, as if the answer being "yes" wouldn't phase him in the slightest. The Nittany Lion couldn't help but laugh, even though he isn't supposed to make any sound, and he gave Johnny a high-five before moving on.

Anyway, all of this is to say that we took Johnny to meet Santa this year. After a nice half hour wait, (which isn't that bad, honestly) we were able to have our turn. Parents aren't supposed to film or take pictures of kids with Santa, because the mall makes money off of the photo packages they sell. Well, I didn't have the money and honestly didn't care so much about a photo as I did capturing the conversation my highly inquisitive son would likely be having with Saint Nick. So, I held my phone in my pocket with the camera lens exposed and filmed it that way. The quality of the film it's self is horrible, but I was indeed able to catch the quite awesome first-encounter moment.

Our Santa was perhaps the most amazing one ever! Despite it being quite a while past the end of his shift by the time our end of the line finally tromped through, the man was jovial and enthusiastic. He was incredibly sweet, and he took plenty of time to chat with each kid. These are my favorite parts from their conversation:


Johnny: "I'm Johnny."
Santa: "I knew what your name was. Didn't you think I knew what your name was?"
Johnny: "Did you know I'm on your list?"
Santa: "You're on my good list! Did you know that?"
Johnny: "What's on your bad list?"
Santa: "Bad list? Oh, I usually don't have a bad list."
Johnny: "Then where's your bad list?"
Santa: "Everybody has been good this year! Do you know what you want for Christmas?"
Johnny: "Uh huh."

~ * ~

Santa: "Tell me what you want for Christmas."
Johnny: "Did you know I give you some wrapping paper for presents? Angry Birds..."
Santa: "No! Do you really?"

*** I proceeded to explain that Johnny wants to send up wrapping paper so that Santa could wrap his presents in the special Angry Birds wrapping paper we found at the store. Note: this was entirely Johnny's idea, but I love it, because it means I don't have to get different paper for him. He is, after all, the kind of kid who would catch on to things if his presents were all wrapped in the same paper we used to wrap all of the family's gifts! Last year everything Santa brought him was wrapped in purple paper, so he knew exactly what was his and was still able to be a part of the wrapping process for the gifts we were giving. I really want to make sure that each Christmas, Johnny is as involved in the giving as he is in the receiving of presents, if not, more so.

~ * ~

Santa: "What would you like for Christmas?"
Johnny: "Angry Birds"
Santa: "What else?"
Johnny: "Angry Birds Star Wars, Lego Angry Birds..."
Santa: "Did you make a list?"
Johnny: "Yes"
Santa: "We'll take a look at it, okay? And can I bring you some stuff that's not on your list? Can I surprise you?"
Johnny: "You bring something that's not on my list, okay?"

~ * ~

Santa: "Do you got a stocking? Did you put a Christmas stocking up?"
Johnny: "We have a stocking. And guess what? You can also put them under the tree! If you don't have room..."
Santa: "Okay, alright."

~ * ~

Santa, handing Johnny an ornament: "Here you go, buddy. Look at this! Easy on it, tell mommy this will fall out of there (the backing)... you can put a picture in it and hang it on your tree."
Johnny, bringing the ornament to mommy, 2 feet away: "This will fall out of here. This will fall out."


After I turned off the camera, Johnny proceeded to go back to Santa and remind him: "But REMEMBER! Christmas is on twenty-five, okay? You come and bring presents to open on twenty-five. Remember, okay?"

I love my little guy so much! His repetitive speech, trying to both process information himself and make sure everyone else understands, his obsessive interests, the need to reassure himself and everyone else that things are exactly the way they should be... he is too cute! By his age, I had spent half of my life not believing in Santa. I literally called the guy out who tried to pass himself off as the old man. I told him that if he was Santa, (he was really the neighbor's uncle stopping for a surprise visit, and was sent over for the girl next-door as well because they thought it would be nice: little did they know) then he should be able to tell me what I asked for at the mall. I also wanted to know where his reindeer were, why he wasn't at the North Pole working like he should be, and why he would go anywhere without his sleigh. The poor guy had no idea he would be facing the Spanish Inquisition when he came to talk to a 2-year-old, but seeing him solidified my non-belief. My sisters, as a result of growing up with a very black-and-white minded older sibling, were never really given the chance to believe in Santa themselves. I was too young to understand that I was ruining something special for them, and just felt that people shouldn't lie because lying is bad.

Luckily my little dude hasn't figured all of this out yet. I seriously do believe that he would pick up on it if we took him to a different Santa after having met this other guy, and using the same wrapping paper would totally tip him off if it weren't for the fact that he himself decided to send some to Santa so that he could have the Angry Birds gift wrap he picked out for everyone else. After all, he did call out the Nittany Lion already. Most kids I know in this town didn't realize that there was a person inside of that suit until they were much older. That, or they saw the man inside (like my aunt did) and were scared to death of the lion that eats people.

At leasts for this year, Johnny believes in Santa. I will be interested to see when and how he comes to the realization that the wonderful man we met at the mall was in fact a guy named Frank who spends the rest of his year enjoying his retirement, here in State College.

brains that work differently

Johnny came home yesterday to tell me that there is a new kid in his class. This new kid "sticks out his tongue when he is happy?!" I opened my email to find that Autumn had filled me in a little more: the child has down syndrome. Apparently Johnny was having a rough time handling the new addition, as he makes dramatic (and in Johnny's eyes, rude) facial expressions and doesn't follow any of the rules. Autumn had explained that he wasn't being rude to classmates, it was his way of showing everyone that he is happy. We had a chat at dinner time about how everyone has a brain that works differently from the next person, and that this new kid's brain is just more noticeably different. (The rest of the explanation will come at a later age...) I talked about how he is going to show that he is happy in ways that Johnny isn't used to, and that as a member of the class who knows all of the rules already, Johnny needed to not only be patient with the new kid, but understand that he might never follow the rules completely. I charged him to be a big helper and be friendly to the new boy, because it can be just as hard to not know or understand the rules as it is to have a friend near you that isn't doing what you know they should be doing.

Johnny, Steve and his dad had been teasing me for all of dinner that I am crazy for not wanting ketchup on my baked macaroni and cheese like they do, so I told Johnny that maybe I don't like that taste because my own brain registers the taste as yucky to me, but that he tastes something yummy. He then sang me a song about trying new foods, so despite my insistence that I've tried it multiple times before, I ended up taking a bite of Steve's ketchup-covered pasta. "Nope! I still don't like it!" I made a silly face at him and then told him that my brain might never decide that macaroni and ketchup tastes good, just like his classmate might never understand that sticking his tongue out is something that other people sometimes find offensive. Just like Johnny still loves me even if I don't like his preferred meal alteration, (it really is gross) Johnny needs to be nice and polite to the boy whose brain doesn't work the same way his does. 

I am hoping that at least some of what I had to say got through to Johnny and his day at school goes a little differently than yesterday. He seemed open to the idea, so with a little luck and some help from Autumn and Ashleigh, this rough adjustment might just be manageable without the new kid being subjected to Johnny's own rudeness. (Which, if he were older, I'd be able to explain as being pretty much the same thing as the boy sticking his tongue out-- he isn't trying to be rude, but his actions are perceived as rude. He doesn't realize this because his mind works in a way that gives him the need to make sure everyone has the same expectations placed on them in all things!) 

How (and when) will I go about explaining to Johnny that he has autism? Being so far on the one end of the spectrum, it is something he will definitely be able to fully grasp, once he is old enough. If he is anything like myself, (which he continues to prove he is) he will hopefully be able to embrace and even thrive in the understanding of his own mind. But when is he old enough? When will it be something he should hear? I would have killed to know and understand why and how I was different when I was a child. I had no explanation, and I was just "that weird kid". Had I been diagnosed much younger, I think my self esteem would have been higher and I wouldn't have been as bothered by what the other kids said; I would have known that I am just different. That sounds incredible to say of my child self, as most kids might be upset if told that their brain is abnormal. But if you understand how my brain works in it's overly-rational way, the rational reaction to my diagnosis would have been exactly that. I am different. I am almost always smarter, I have abilities that other people can't even begin to comprehend, and I have more to offer the world than anyone realizes. I don't have a disability, I have an ace up my sleeve. 

I can't fully express what it was like to be told I have autism as an adult. It is something I chewed over and over in my head for months after I was diagnosed, and on some days I still don't quite know how to juggle this idea in my head. I am not the face of autism. I am not what people expect. At the same time, there is no doubt of my diagnosis. The everyday person might not see it, but my coping mechanisms for dealing with stress, anxiety, depression or over-stimulation (which I experience quite often) involve the stereotypical autistic behaviors. Rocking back and forth, the need for physical compression, (a tight hug, hiding under a mountain of pillows, having something heavy sitting in my lap) the tendency to gravitate toward swings for that kind of movement, obsessively trying to find and experience a new texture if the last thing I touched/ate didn't sit well with me, needing someone to scratch/draw on my back to calm me... they are all hallmark signs pointing to the spectrum. I've just gotten really good at hiding them in public. 

I have, over my 26 years, made some of these things seem almost normal, even to the people closest to me. I've always wanted my back scratched, I remember paying my sisters to do it for me when I was a kid. I've always sat with several pillows in my lap whenever possible when engaging in conversation or watching a movie. I had a mountain of stuffed animals that grew to be a pile of pillows on my bed under which I have always slept. No one thinks twice about the girl who spends a lot of time spinning around in an office chair or swinging on swings when she is trying to concentrate... it isn't a totally abnormal behavior, especially considering the fact that the upright hammock my family owned was a blast (I used to spend hours there). The rocking might be a little more absurd among mixed company, but you won't typically notice because I usually have a kid on my lap and it seems natural. Ask my husband, I don't go to sleep at night without sitting there and rocking for a while; I've always done this. As a kid, it just came off as antsy. So individually, none of my behaviors seem "off" to most people. Add them up, and it becomes clear that they are all ways in which I cope. In addition to other elements, I am most definitely on the spectrum. 

I think part of what is hard for me to fully reconcile about the diagnosis is that when I was a kid, autism wasn't considered something people could live independently with. The autistic kid at school was always expected to spend the rest of his life depending on someone else, if he ever moved out of the house. The autistic kids weren't dating material; no one thought they would get married. They were much closer to the middle if not low end of the spectrum. People as "high functioning" as me weren't really ever on the radar. While some of the autistic kids were considered incredibly smart, it came with the imbalance of appearing uninterested in having friends and having socially debilitating coping mechanisms. Until more recently, and even now, kids who are "high functioning" are expected to have no social inclinations at all. This is simply untrue! Even the ones who don't comprehend when someone is making fun of them I can promise you do catch the gist of it every now and then and are always confused by it. And believe me, there is no doubt about my son's diagnosis yet he remains one of the most social kids in the universe. He may not always socialize successfully with other kids, but he sure wants to! 

So, when should I tell him? How do I tell him? What is it, exactly, that would make him "ready" to hear and understand? Will it be hard for him? Will it be a relief like it was to me? Will it be helpful to know that mommy is the same way? 

I don't know.

thanksgiving & black friday

Thanksgiving this year consisted of Steve, Johnny and myself. Just us 3! My mom's side of the family was in Houston this year, my dad was with Deb's family, and Steve's family was in Philly. Considering Steve had to work before the crack of dawn the next morning, we decided to just stay home and have our own little Thanksgiving celebration. We watched some of the parade, caught a little football action on and off throughout the day, and even went to see Frozen in the theater!

Technically, I'd call our Thanksgiving adventure Johnny's first actual movie theater experience. He went with the Delafield side of the family to see The Proposal when he was about 3 months old, since we all wanted to go and there was no point in hiring a sitter when an infant is free to take in. It was a mid-summer matinee, and as we predicted, no one there but ourselves. When he was just a little over a year old, we went to see Despicable Me with some family and again were without a sitter, but just the same it was again a mid-summer matinee and there weren't many people there. Johnny started to get fussy (obviously not watching the movie) about a half hour in, so Steve and I just took turns pacing in the hallway outside of the screening with the door propped open so we could still see what was going on. Thursday however was Johnny's first real movie. We of course sprung for the insanely expensive popcorn to enjoy the experience in it's full glory, half of which Johnny promptly spilled all over the floor, and found some perfect seats in an almost-empty screening room. Johnny wore his headphones for the first 3/4 of the film, and then since kid's movies are never turned up quite as loud as adult flicks, his ears had adjusted enough that he was able to watch the last bit of the movie without them on. The Steeler's game ended our little Thanksgiving, and the kid slept in the next day until almost 10:30.

Black Friday: Yes, I'm one of those parents who took my kid shopping with me on the most insane day of the year in the world of retail. In all fairness, I didn't have a list or anything in particular I was looking for, and when Little Man got tired, we went home. We just ventured out to look for good deals and do his part of the Christmas shopping. While it took a little persuasion for me to convince him that after our 20 minute look through Kohls that it wasn't worth waiting in line for 2 hours to pay for the $3 fleece blanket that he wanted, I was able to convince him that we could buy one elsewhere for about the same price without a line. (And we did!)

The best part of the day by far was going to the Dollar Store to let him pick out stuff for everyone. I gave him a whole list of people to buy for, and wrote down who was getting what as he stuck it in the cart. Gifts included things such as: a neon pink ski hat for my father, "Grandpa Without the Mustache": mardi gras beads for my 15 year old cousin, Wally; a large ornament shaped cut-out made of felt for his grandma; and a 2-pack of reindeer antler headbands for Steve's dad, "Grandpa With the Mustache". I am so excited that he is old enough to do his own shopping like this! It is too much fun!!! I remember my parents taking me to the Dollar Store to pick out Christmas presents when I was his age, and I think that the tradition of allowing us kids to be involved in gift-giving from such an early point in our lives is what turned me into such a Christmas nut. (I'm one of those people who is usually finished shopping by August and any deals found on Black Friday are just an additional bit of joy or used for later birthday presents! Don't worry though-- I'm not one of those people playing Christmas songs by November 1st and watching all of the TV specials before Thanksgiving is even over!)

Overall, our holiday weekend was quite lovely. I got a chance on Saturday to FaceTime for about 2 hours with one of my best friends who is all the way over in South Korea. Yesterday we began attending a new church, which was very welcoming, and then had a small-ish Thanksgiving celebration at my mom's house with her and her husband, my stepbrother, and my sister Christy and her boyfriend. It wasn't our typical overly-rushed family-intense holiday, but I think I kind of like how it turned out. After all, we'll see all of those same people we missed in less than a month, anyway. It was kind of nice having some time with just my boys.