praying for peace

Sometimes I think that his tantrums and mood swings will keep me locked in my house forever.

I have been planning dinner all day. A new recipe, some homemade sides and dessert, (non-sugary because the doc has recently put Johnny on a no-sugar diet) and I was really looking forward to it. Well, that's nice. Because I won't be able to make dinner at all now. It is 7:22pm and I still haven't been able to get Johnny calm enough to do anything let alone leave the house. What did I do to offend him? I can't honestly remember at this point. He's been at it since 3:45.

There seems to be a fine line decision to be made between walking him through the choices he is making, explaining to him what needs to be done, and physically walking away. At the moment, as you can tell since I'm typing this, I have physically separated myself from the child. Johnny is currently hurling all of his belongings across his room yelling "BAD MOMMY! I HATE YOU! I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!" at the top of his lungs. This is the 4th time today that I have locked myself in my room to a) keep myself calm, b) not give him the gratification of seeing me getting upset myself, c) keep my body safe from everything he is throwing and all of his physical abuse,  and d) attempt to make him learn to calm himself down. Because I've done it at least 10 times today -- calmed him down. We talk through the steps, we examine what it means to make good decisions, he repeats back to me the rules, and then 20 minutes later he is flipping out again.

I can't take every single item in a room away from him to stop him from throwing things. I can't continually physically restrain the child to keep him from hitting me. I certainly can't keep him from saying horrible things. He is 4 and is an absolute nightmare. On his good days, he is the sweetest child on earth. But days like today...

Johnny can snap in and out of a mood in the blink of an eye. Because of this, he thinks that if he "calms down" that he will get what he wants. At the moment, that is a trip to the grocery store for ingredients, (something mutually appealing, as I've been dying to cook!) but I won't do that unless he can prove to me that he is going to continue to behave. About an hour ago he calmed down enough to give me hugs and snuggle for a while and start goofing off again. He asked if we could go yet and I told him that I needed to know that he was going to continue making good choices while we were out of the house. He needed to let me get ready alone and entertain himself either in the living room or in his bedroom. He refused to leave my side, despite the repeated request. That isn't what I agreed to. "The deal was..." The kid can't even listen to what I have to say for five minutes. Why on earth would I take him out in public? So I picked him up and put him outside my bedroom door and locked it. Result: epic tantrum. Over-emotionality and countless unseen and unpreventable triggers are a bad mix.

Yesterday we had to leave a birthday party early because he got mad at me and started beating my chest, face and head. He calmed down after 10 minutes in the car (we hadn't left the parking lot because I couldn't get him calm enough to sit in his seat and I'm no longer physically capable of forcing him into it) and expected to be taken right back in. Um... wrong. It seems lately that I am unable to complete any out-of-the-house venture. I can't even get to the checkout half of the time; I have to leave a cart full of stuff in the middle of a store and walk out. A lot of parents have had to do this once in a while, but it seems like it is a constant for me. I couldn't even get my back adjusted at the chiropractor last week, something that takes less than 5 minutes from the time I pull into the parking lot to when I leave it, without him having a complete meltdown and throwing a fit. In the end, he got what he wanted (stickers at the front desk) because the doc told me to just leave him with the receptionist so he could crack my back quickly. It wasn't a walk-out-and-come-back-later kind of situation, I needed adjusted. I was in intense pain. And go figure my back is all messed up; I still have to pick up a kicking and screaming 4 year old several times a day.

Will I ever be able to leave the house and have a productive outing ever again? I cherish the moments when he is peacefully sleeping...

momgaritas

My friend Claire is graduating from pharmacy school on May 11th. I received one of the casual invitations that she sent out to all of her friends and loved ones, but I'm sure I was placed on the mental lives-too-far-away-and-won't-come list. Usually I'd agree with this assessment because I have Johnny to take care of and I don't know that a 10 hour drive with him is worth it for one day of visiting (with a million other people present, making it hard to get real "quality time" with my friends) and another day driving home. He is after all only just 4. I can only imagine how insane 2 whole days in the car would be with the little dude. However, I still wanted to go. I wanted to surprise her!

I checked plane tickets nearby, finding that one out of Harrisburg would be by far the cheapest. An hour and a half drive to cut a ticket price into 1/3 sure makes sense to me. Still I was faced with the fact that buying 2 tickets for me and Johnny would cost a little more than I wanted to spend, and I would still be stuck in a "new" city with myself as the only stability the child would have. Once in a while you can change his schedule, location, or general person-to-Johnny interaction, but never all at the same time and never too close together. Flying solo with him (well, the flight it's self isn't the worry-- the subsequent time in Charlotte without additional hands to help is really the issue) just doesn't sound smart at the moment with the way he has been reacting to anything that sets him off lately.

Enter the supportive family that surrounds us. I was lucky enough that Steve has off two of the four days I want to be gone (Friday through Monday -- although I won't leave until late night on Friday!) and his mom and sister as well as my grandmother are willing to trade off time with Johnny during Steve's work shifts the other two days.

It wasn't until a few days after I booked the plane ticket that I realized that the Sunday I will be gone is Mother's Day. It will be the first time I am not with my son for the day when the world recognizes the dedication that mothers have to their children. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it. I mean, it isn't like it is really a day any different from the rest. And of all things, I'm kind of getting the ultimate gift that a mom can get -- a break. My friend Becca said to me, "Get some rest, relax, and have a few momgaritas!"

And I'll try.

Something makes me think that I'll be dying for some Johnny time before the weekend is up. I finally get the mom vacation I've been dying for, and it turns out that I'll miss out on one of the days specifically set aside for me to spend with my son.

violence

My baby turned 4 last Friday. Unlike most moms, I don't think I really spent the majority of my little guy's birthday reminiscing about the time when he was born or the years that have passed since. I have on his birthdays up until now, but this year was different. This year all I could think about is the next 4 years and beyond; the journey we will take together. I just took him for an intake evaluation to become involved in a few new therapy options, and to be honest, all I can focus on at the moment is the relief I feel that someone is going to start helping me with the biggest growing concern I have in terms of my boy's wellbeing: he's getting violent.

"Johnny, if you don't put those toys away like I asked, I'm going to have to take them away for the rest of the day."

"NO! You WON'T! I'll take them back and throw them at you, and when they hit you, you'll be DEAD! I'LL KILL YOU! I HATE YOU!"

I know that he doesn't understand the gravity of his words. I know that despite my insistence that you don't kill bad guys, you put them in jail and you don't kill the pigs in Angry Birds, you "squish" them, he's in school now and several of the little boys in his class are obsessed with more violent TV shows and characters than I'll allow my son to watch. They share this information, and on numerous occasions since the beginning of September I've had to sit Johnny down and explain that kicking and punching (which up until recently he only did for fun, like his friends, never with violent intentions or aimed toward real people) isn't something he is allowed to do. While Steve and I have definitely talked about enrolling him in a Tae Kwon Do program when he gets a little older, the goal of that discipline is not only self defense, but also respect toward others and awareness of self. Until that time comes, there is to be no punching or kicking under any circumstances.

It isn't just his words anymore. I'm getting beat up. Kicking is hard to dodge because his legs are now more than my arm's length. Hitting is almost impossible to avoid when it is usually done as a result of me picking him up to physically remove him from a situation so that he can calm down elsewhere.

At his birthday party, he started to really freak out while the kids played a bowling game because they weren't setting the pins up exactly the same way every time or with the colors in the right place. What a lot of people don't understand is that it isn't a tantrum that is based around "I want what I want and everyone has to play the game my way", it is about things not being the way he perceives them to be correct. It isn't an issue of getting what he wants, it is a matter of the laws of his universe being disturbed and needing to fix it so that everything is alright. Imagine going to Britain and suddenly having to drive on the left-hand side of the road; part of your daily experience is abruptly changed from what is "right" (no pun intended) and swapped around. While as adults, we can find a way to emotionally handle it, the experience isn't without quite a bit of uneasiness and an instinctual need to return to what is familiar and known as a set rule. Add in the emotions of a preschooler and things become volatile.

Not once, not twice, but five times we had to remove Johnny from the room until someone finally put the bowling set away and out of sight. The second time I picked him up to take him out of the room in order to calm down away from the catalyst that caused his intense emotional breakdown, he started hitting my chest, shoulders and head as hard as he could, wailing away. He ended up hitting me so hard over the head that I became dizzy and needed to hand him to Steve so that I could sit down for a minute. I almost began to cry myself. These violent outbursts started about a month ago, and they have been getting progressively worse. Over the past two weeks, his horribly violent words have become more frequent and alarming.

I was fortunate enough that these beating sessions were only aimed at myself and my husband, not at other kids or caretakers, but that all changed yesterday. In my daily update from Autumn, his teacher, I found out that he had tried to beat her up too. She knew about the violence he was displaying at home, but it has finally entered the classroom. The spark for Friday's fire? Autumn put his food in the "wrong" place on his plate (something we constantly deal with at home) and told him that he could only have a second meatball if he finished the first. He thought there should be two to start with, like at home, and so he started hitting.

We talk about his actions every time he does this. It is hurtful, it makes us sad, his words are very mean and his is NEVER allowed to hit, no matter how upset he is. He is allowed to feel whatever emotions he is experiencing and be as mad as can be, but he is never allowed to hit or kick someone nor is he allowed to say mean things. Johnny eventually calms down, is remorseful, hugs us and says he is sorry and that he "made a bad choice",  (in the cutest and sweetest little voice) but two or three minutes later when he is set off again, it is like he never heard a word we said. And, like his mama, he can go from zero to ten in two seconds flat. Fine, calm, happy, optimistically energetic -- then flash -- throwing himself on the floor in a tantrum, screaming, hitting and kicking, yelling violent words and generally disturbing anyone who is in the room with him. (Okay, that isn't how I handle my intense feelings as an adult, but I understand him and still deal with similar emotional breaks. I understand the feeling of a switch being flipped that causes instant rage.) What is hardest to reconcile about these situations is that he is honestly one of the sweetest little kids you could ever meet.

I can't wait for him to start with the behavioral and family therapists. I can't wait until the family therapist starts to teach me new ways to help him, because I am at a loss. I don't know how to help him any more than I already am, and the only alternative I know is how I was raised. I'm fully of the belief that when you stop and try to understand why a kid acts the way they do and work with them on changing how they react to certain situations, you stand a much better chance at helping them. We do NOT physically punish our child. That not only confuses them but also teaches them that it is okay to react with violence. How counterproductive can you get? "You're not allowed to hit, but I'm going to hit you to make you stop doing it to others"?

I never want my child to ever be afraid of me. It diminishes the child's ability to truly feel loved by the parent, (something I strive daily to make sure Johnny is aware that I feel about him) and creates a mistrust between child and parent. I am intimately aware of the affects of physical discipline, and it doesn't work. No part of it ever changed my behavior, it only caused pain: both physical and emotional. For those children who do react to physical punishment in terms of a change in behavior, they have literally been beaten into submission. It may seem like a drastic thing to say, but really, that's what it is. Physical punishment with the goal of changing behavior is no different from a man beating his wife to get her to "behave" and do what he wants her to do. While the level of pain directed toward a child in the form of a spanking is most likely less intense, it is still pain. No one should ever be subjected to that, no matter how "bad" they've been. At that, I don't even tell my son he is a "bad boy" when he is behaving poorly. Instead I make him aware that he is a good boy who is making bad decisions, and he can change the way he is acting and make good decisions that are right. Because my son isn't a bad kid. What child really is? They're simply making poor choices when they act up, and what they need is loving guidance and redirection. I believe the key with Johnny will be helping him find coping skills to calm himself when he becomes upset in order for him to have a clear head and make good choices. His emotions are just much more intense than most children, and he doesn't know what to do with them.

On the 4th anniversary of my son's birth, he repeatedly let me know that he hates me. My response? He doesn't have to like me; I'm his mom, not his friend. He doesn't even have to love me, though I know he does. Johnny, and all children, simply need to know that they are loved unconditionally and that their parent's role is to help them make good choices in life. Violence is never the answer. Not from the child and not from the parent.