the end of a chapter

So he has finally done it... he's finished up his 2 years of preschool. Those 2 years have gone slowly at times and quickly at others, but on the whole I find I'm surprised that the end is actually here. Today was more emotional for me than when he started preschool or any of his birthdays to date. Something about saying goodbye to an amazing woman who has been such a huge part of our day-to-day for almost half of Johnny's life was just overwhelming. I truly could not have asked for a more amazing teacher to work with my son, and I will be forever thankful that she became a part of our lives. Autumn-- you rock!

I went in about an hour before school ended to deliver Johnny some sugar-free frozen yogurt since the class was having an ice cream treat, and it was fun watching him end out his time there. They even had a little graduation ceremony, complete with little hats and diplomas. Mid-ceremony, Johnny began to have a bit of a breakdown. I joined him over at his seat and he flopped down in my arms, crying that he was never allowed to come back once we left and he wouldn't see Miss Autumn anymore, even though he loves her. We've been talking about the end of the school year for a few weeks now, and everyone has been trying to help him get ready for the transition, but I don't think it really hit him until it was time to say goodbye. He gave her the presents he picked out, ("The Best Teacher Ever" book and a beautiful necklace he chose all by himself) and proceeded to cuddle for a moment before leaving for good.

In a few weeks the school has a group trip scheduled for DelGrosso's Amusement Park, (or as the townies know it from our childhood, Bland's Park) and then in July there will be a mid-summer picnic for any of Miss Autumn's old students. We will be attending both, and Autumn has promised him to visit at our new house and continue a relationship on into the next school year and beyond. I'm a little nervous about starting school next year with a brand new teacher, because Autumn has set the bar so high. Hopefully whoever we end up with will be at least a fraction as amazing.

Goodbye, Matternville!

suicidal?

So the last few weeks have been rough. I didn't even get a chance to update in large part because during the moments when I did actually have time, I was just exhausted and didn't even want to think about the insanity that was going on. This all being said, here was how it happened...

Two Mondays ago, Johnny needed a haircut. I'm adjusting to a new level of income and working my best to save from spending unnecessarily, so cutting it myself seemed best. I usually take him to a salon, but it isn't too complicated to cut a boy's hair all of uniform length, especially when the goal is to make it as short as possible using only scissors. The clippers produce too much noise and vibration for Johnny to handle, so our deal is always that we will only use scissors if he will sit still for us. So, I set Johnny up on a chair in the kitchen with his iPad to play with. For the first half of the haircut, he sat relatively still and didn't fuss at all. Suddenly, mid-cut, he started freaking out. He threw his iPad across the room, began screaming at the top of his lungs, and was flailing about.

"I HATE YOU! I DON'T EVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!"

"I HATE EVERYTHING!"

"I WISH I WAS NEVER BORN!"

"I WISH YOU AND DADDY HAD A GIRL INSTEAD OF ME!"

"I HATE LIFE, I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE!"

"YOU ARE HORRIBLE AND I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU AT ALL!"

"I WANT TO DIE!"

Hitting himself, screaming, clawing at his clothes, (which I quickly removed because they really appeared to be making him uncomfortable) and just generally going postal. And honestly, while as a mom you never want to hear your kid saying things like that, I would know what to do if he was 12 or 17... but 5? What do you do with a preschooler who is screaming that he hates everything and wants to die? While I usually do a pretty good job of remaining composed while Johnny is freaking out about something, I began to cry.

I called Erin, Johnny's BSC, and asked for help. She pretty much told me to ignore everything he was saying and just offer to hold him if he wanted me. Assure him that I love him once or twice, but to not engage in conversation. She encouraged me to pull myself together, but really, my heart was breaking. How could I possibly be okay when my baby... who is still barely more than a baby... sounded suicidal? HE IS FIVE YEARS OLD!

I finally got him calmed down about an hour later, so complete with his horrible and unfinished haircut, we resumed our day. He had an art therapy appointment later that afternoon, and Erin had suggested not even talking about the things Johnny had said until we were far enough removed from the situation. During that session, I watched as Johnny proceeded to act out what he was thinking with some toys the therapist had on hand. There was much of the same, though this time without the intense physical fit. He had one character (a little cat) become the "protector" of the toy Jonathan, who made the mean mommy and daddy toys leave him alone by attacking them. The therapist asked Johnny to talk about his feelings regarding our divorce and the new separate housing situation, but he pretty much ignored her. Since he wasn't having a fit, she didn't push. I just kept reassuring Johnny, as I always do, that he is allowed to have whatever feelings he has. When he is angry or upset, sad or depressed, he is allowed to feel that way. I just want to help him in any way that I can.

In the days since then, I have tried to address with Johnny the issue of his feelings about what all has been going on, but he continues to ignore me any time I bring it up. While the remainder of that week was rough, last week he seemed perfectly fine. Granted, he was still being his obstinate self and not making the best of choices when with me, but he did get to spend almost every evening with his father, so he was super happy about that. I didn't have custody over the holiday weekend, and just got him back yesterday in time to take him to school. So far this week he seems back to being his old self. I feel like I should talk with him about everything again because I know that those feelings don't just go away, but at the same time I'm afraid to rock the boat. I'm still somewhat dumbfounded by the whole thing. How can a kid so young have such intense and deep feelings? He is experiencing life on a different emotional level than most kids his age. I know that I did too, and still do in many ways, but for once that doesn't make it any easier to know how I can help him. I guess only time, and therapy, will tell...

mother's day

So after a long week of no daddy time, Johnny was super psyched to see his dad and is thrilled to be spending today with him, since Steve has the day off and can be with him all day. The only downside to this is that it is Mother's Day, and Johnny is now worried about not being with me. Interestingly enough, within the standard custody agreement we both signed, the only set days out of the entire year that we are obligated to allow one another custody are Mother's Day and Father's Day. However, after the rough week the kiddo had and knowing how much he wants to be with his daddy, I had no problem with the idea of a childless Mother's Day. Steve offered to let me hold on to Johnny, but Steve doesn't have another day off until Thursday and I really think that the kiddo just needs to feel a little more balance than that. Never mind the fact that the end of the month will have a similar week of no daddy, one evening with about 3 hours together, and then Johnny and I leave for the beach for 5 days.

Still, my sweet boy was worried about me spending Mother's Day alone. He made me some stuff at school, and he wanted to be sure that I know that I'm "awesomesauce". The more honest side of me will never admit to him that really, a day to myself isn't the worst Mother's Day gift in the world. Sometimes moms need breaks, too. While I love him to death, I won't really complain about a chance to shower without the door opening 5 times, eat a meal where I don't have to cut up someone else's food first, and maybe even kick back and watch some TV that doesn't involve small cartoon animals. Plus, despite the annoying/boring factor, I could use some time to work on homework uninterrupted.

Today I'll enjoy a little *me* time and take a moment to be amused at how very similar we are. I'm truly raising a little clone.

moving

We're in! All of our stuff is into the new place and I've started the endless process of unpacking. Johnny is super psyched about everything and is thrilled with our new backyard. He says he doesn't like the "stinky cow smell" that is currently surrounding us because of the corn fields, but I think he is getting used to it already. Welcome to the country! (And really, we aren't even that far out there!) I did, however, pass my house when driving home in the dark last night. I hadn't left the light on outside and it was pitch black... way to be. It's all good, though. I'm just awesome like that.

There is now less than a month left of school for the kiddo. I've yet to hear back as to whether or not he has gotten into the summer camp that we applied to, but I'm pretty confident that it will all work out. At this point, it has to. And the first week of June? I'm taking the little dude to the beach. We're ready for summer in this house...