hiatus

With the school year, I have found myself extremely busy. This blog has essentially fallen by the wayside because I just don't have the time for much outside of work and Johnny, and in the moments I do find, the only thing I want to do is sleep. -- Not that sleep has gotten any easier. To top things off, I ended up sick and in the hospital again, which then meant taking a week and a half off of work and staying in bed endlessly, while trying to juggle the kiddo's wellbeing at the same time. Thanksgiving break has come and I am just now (three weeks later) starting to feel like myself again, though still, very tired. Steve has taken the kiddo for the majority of his days off school, and I've spent the holiday with my mom, stepdad, sister and stepbrother.

It's been an interesting holiday break so far. I almost didn't know what to do with myself without the kiddo under my feet, but I really felt that it made sense for him to be with his dad since Steve's family came in from out of town and my side of things remained very small. I picked him up this morning and took him to church with me. We headed back out to spend some time at my mom's, and ended our evening at home marathoning his new favorite show: MasterChef Junior.

Every now and then I seem to forget that my son is my mini-me. This evening, as I'm working on laundry, Jonathan came over and sat down beside me. He cocked his head to one side, then ran his hand down my arm and said, "you seem stressed". He made me stop the laundry for a moment and told me he was going to help me relax. Then, he began to do the one thing that instantly helps either one of us: he began to draw on my back. Don't get me wrong-- I know a lot of people who enjoy that sensation-- but talk about knowing me well! We may not be able to read people to save our lives and we may have to ask a million questions to understand what is going on with someone else, but we can recognize when something is "off" about one another and know exactly what to do to make the world stop spinning quite so fast.

I think I'll keep him!

slow to adjust

I was hoping that by the end of September, Johnny and I would both have settled into our new routine. Maybe John would be used to the hours of school and have stopped the constant meltdowns that begin the moment he gets home and don't end until he is fast asleep? Maybe I would feel like I had my feet under me with the new job, and would not still feel overwhelmed constantly? Well... yeah... no. The kiddo is still having a hard time with the transition from school to home in the afternoon, and while I am feeling a little more like I know what I am supposed to be doing at work, (in part because I have taken a job as a long-term sub, covering for the same person for several weeks) I don't feel like I ever have a moment of sanity. My house is a wreck because the last thing I ever feel like doing is cleaning, and between dealing with the little guy's tantrums and suffering from some of the worst insomnia I've had in a long time, I'm nothing short of exhausted. And unable to sleep.

Another very obvious consequence of this new schedule and increased amount of stuff going on has been my lack of time/motivation to write. As you can see, my blog has gone from regular updates to a short little snippet if I happen to have the time one random day of the month. My writing writing, (like, working on the book) has gone to nil. I feel both guilty and justified in this. I want to be doing more writing, I feel like I need to be doing more, but at the same time, it isn't like I don't have a perfectly good reason for slacking off lately. I'm busier than I've been in a long time!

While all of life may have sped up, Johnny seems to be racing time to grow even faster than I could imagine. From the random things he says that astound me to the endless wealth of knowledge that he has to share with the world, Little Man never ceases to amaze. He is a goof, and I love him. I only wish that we both were having an easier time of it with this whole transition into the school year. For now, I'll hold onto the moments we share together, being silly and having fun!

the new guy

A little while back, I did something that I was very nervous about doing: I introduced Johnny to my boyfriend, Kyle. While I was confident that the two would get along swimmingly, and Johnny had shown me every sign that he is ready and open to the idea of me dating someone, it still made me anxious. I'd never been faced with the prospect of introducing two people I care so much about to one another. Granted, I'd done the whole bring-the-guy-home-to-meet-the-family thing before, but it is a bit different when that "family" is your 5 year old son, not your parents and siblings. I was ready for it, I needed it to happen, but my stomach was still in knots right up until Kyle walked in the door.

The plan was to have dinner and then go to a baseball game. Since I asked Kyle to grab one of my missing ingredients on his way over, dinner wasn't quite ready. Johnny quite enthusiastically embraced the opportunity to have Kyle all to himself, and began playing some game involving all of his Angry Birds stuffed animals that I'm pretty sure, had I been paying closer attention, would have gotten him in trouble for throwing things in the house. The last thing I meant to do was have my boyfriend walk in the door and entertain my child while I finished dinner, but that is exactly what ended up happening. By the time I finished cooking 10 or 15 minutes later, Johnny had decided that they were best of friends. Aside from a slight tantrum that he began to throw over eating his food, (which was a meal he specifically requested) dinner went smoothly and then we headed out to the game. We made it through about half of the innings before Johnny's eyes started to glaze over (it was past his bedtime) and I decided to call it a night. Johnny was super thrilled because Kyle had gotten him a fly ball, and he passed out pretty quickly once we put him down to bed. They've made plans with each other to watch The Croods sometime soon, and in the times where they've run into each other since then, Johnny has been thrilled to get a few minutes to play with his new buddy.

I feel like I can breathe again. No matter how much I like Kyle, that relationship (or any other) could only exist to a certain point without Johnny being introduced into the mix. And whereas my own mother didn't have to worry about us kids getting along with whoever she brought home, since we were 16, 18, 19 and 20 years old when she started dating again, (so it was beneficial if we got along with the guy but not imperative) any guy I bring home will have a much more prominent role in my child's life. Obviously Johnny has a father, and no one would ever take Steve's place -- nor should they want to, he doesn't need another dad -- but whoever I end up with, they'll be around for most of Johnny's childhood. Getting along with my kid is a make-or-break kind of deal. To my relief, Kyle and Johnny seem to like one another just fine. Then again, I would hope that my boyfriend could appreciate my mini-me... Johnny is, after all, so very much like his mother. We are a wonderfully unique (but fun) package deal.

kindergarten

So I've been super busy and haven't written a post in a while. Today it is kind of unavoidable, as this was Johnny's first day of kindergarten. Guess what? He did just fine. Exactly as I expected. Why did I expect this? Well, partially because it was only an hour long and I was with him, but partially because I really expect the first month or two of school to go quite smoothly. Tomorrow he will get picked up by his transportation van and taken in for his first full day. I think he's super excited to get the ball rolling. In contrast, his comment after today's hour-long intro session was, "Well, that was BORING!" -- Um, yeah, I can't blame him for that reaction. I'd have been bummed if I were him, too, after having everyone get me really hyped for starting kindergarten and then only getting to spend an hour there on the first day.

Tomorrow marks my own first day: I'll be working as a substitute paraprofessional for the school district. This allows me to have a flexible schedule, so I think it will be a really good situation for both me and the little man. I'll admit that I'm nervous about starting, but I'm sure everything will go smoothly. This fall marks a lot of "firsts" for our little family, but I'm optimistic!

camping

Continuing the new trend of surprising me at every turn, Johnny had an extremely successful first camping trip the other weekend! Our church was taking all of the kids camping, and while they offered to have parents just drop the kids off and pick them up the next day, I obviously stuck around with the little guy and spent the night. The adults that were running the event are all people who are used to working with Johnny during Sunday School, so they were also super impressed with how well he did-- several made comments to me about what a successful experience it was for Johnny.

The "challenges" for Johnny to handle included some time spent out on a canoe on the pond, frog hunting, collecting firewood, cooking over the fire, getting mud all over him, mosquito bites, sleeping in a tent and even being sent to bed before the rest of the kids. Okay, so I sound like a mean mom for making him hit the hay a little earlier than everyone else, but we were already over an hour past his bedtime and when the kid does best when kept to a schedule, I decided he could forgo staying up to watch a projected movie that he has at home anyway. After just a moment of protest, he crawled into his sleeping bag and was out cold in less than a minute. He even slept in later than anyone else!

Our summer continues to bring new experiences for the little man, and I am thrilled to say that while we of course still deal with some of the same struggles we have always faced, Johnny is thriving more than ever. He continues to enjoy his summer camp every weekday morning, and with the National Autism Conference just around the corner, he has plenty more fun in store for his summer.

leaps and bounds

This past week or so has been full of big steps for Johnny. While it may not seem like a big deal to most people, my son has overcome two of his biggest sensory challenges and I couldn't be more proud. 

The other day we went out to my mom's house for the evening. Johnny's Grammy and Pappy Chris own a small farmette a little way out of town, and we like to go there and let Johnny help out with feeding the chickens, collecting eggs, planting and maintaining the garden, and mowing the lawn. (I've covered that last bit previously!) Anyway, the other evening we were there and it was hot out. For some reason his dad had sent Johnny to camp in long pants that morning, and being the stellar mom that I am, I didn't even notice it until we were out at my mom's a few hours later. The poor kid was dying, so I told him to take his pants off and just not worry about them. After all, it was just my mother and I out there with him. Well Johnny decided he was going to help Grammy clean out and refill the chickens' water, and before I knew it I heard squeals coming from the other side of the barn. Johnny was taking turns chasing grammy with the hose and vice versa. Eventually my mom talked him into helping her water the plants around the house, and by the end of it they had settled on watching the sprinkler in the garden for a little while. 

Johnny ventured into the garden while the sprinkler was running and before long was covered in freezing cold water, mud and grass. We let him play like that for a good long while, and every few minutes he would come running over to have me "check" his shirt or his shoes to show me just how dirty they were getting. While this may seem like a relatively simple and normal thing for a 5 year old to do, you have to understand that Johnny doesn't mix textures... ever. We have spent the past two years or so working so hard to have him handle mixed textures, and even just a single texture like mud or the feel of grass have been hard. Add in the fact that he was getting sprayed in the face with water, (yet another major issue we have dealt with in the past) I was floored that he was handling everything the way he did. He was seriously excited! Which in turn had both Grammy and me excited! I could barely believe what he was doing-- in soaking wet muddy sneakers and all. Super proud.

Well, then Wednesday came this week and it was our time to say goodbye to Ashleigh (his TSS) for good. What else would I choose to do on her last day than tackle one of Johnny's most difficult problems? I mean, I could have taken it easy on the poor girl, but honestly I was worried that without her and in the process of "breaking in" a new TSS, it might be a while until I had help with this particular issue, so I just went ahead and decided to shoot for it... a haircut. I gave Johnny three options: I could cut it at home with scissors, he could get it cut at a salon with scissors, or I could buzz it with the clippers at home. He asked what incentive I would give him for any of those options, so I told him that he could have chocolate if he got his hair cut with the scissors at either place, but could have a toy he has been begging me for for the past few months if he let me buzz it. Keeping in mind the fact that he hasn't had his hair buzzed in over 2 years because the noise and vibration are both too much for him to handle usually, I explained to him that if he let me use the clippers, he would get to go longer between haircuts. While that sounded good to him, I really think that the prospect of that toy is what did it for him: we were going to buzz it.

After the last haircut experience we had, (read here) I was super psyched that he was going to let me use the clippers because they're honestly a lot easier for me. However, I was expecting a full-on meltdown during the process, several stops, and was fully ready to accept that I might only get half of his head done before he lost it entirely and made the rest of the day a living nightmare. To my delight, he sat *relatively* still and it was all over in less than 10 minutes. Gone! A whole pile of strawberry blonde hair on the floor and a clean looking kid! We did go and get him the toy and he was just about as proud of himself as I was. 

After all of this, in addition to the experience we had at the ocean when he fell under and then got back up to keep playing, I can't help but look back at where things were even just a year ago. I am astounded by the progress he has made, and the fact that all of the big things seem to be happening in close succession leads me to believe that he is truly adjusting to the changes in his life. With custody evening out to start our set hours at the beginning of next month and school starting near the end, I think that Johnny and I have definitely found our footing. I am still just so impressed with the progress he has made, and I don't know that I could ask for anything more. I love that boy!

a peaceful summer

You can tell we're into the full swing of summer when I'm having a hard time remembering to write. However, this week started Johnny's camp that will see him through until school starts, so I am beginning to find myself with a little more free time on my hands. In addition to his camp, I've decided to take a few weeks off of school, so even the kid-less time that I usually use for homework has been freed up. So far I've made spectacular use of it all and caught a few naps here and there. 

We've had a few great moments and a few bumps along the way over the past few weeks, but overall I think the little guy is doing pretty well. The difference between last summer and this summer is like night and day. Where last year I couldn't take him out of the house without an additional set of hands, I've not only taken him on that trip to Maryland, but generally found a way to get him out of the house every day that he is with me. Parks, shopping, play dates, church... we've kept busy. The biggest downside to everything is that after almost a year with her, we will be losing his TSS Ashleigh. I couldn't have a higher respect for that girl, and she has been an amazing addition to our lives. She has been super helpful and sweet as can be, helping us through some tough times. Next week is his last session with her. After saying goodbye to Autumn, it feels a little hard to turn around and have Ashleigh leave as well. (Although to be fair, I saw Autumn yesterday and she plans on hanging out with us again soon!) 

In the world of accomplishments, Johnny has made some other big steps. Where the past few years have seen him too afraid to get on his Pappy Chris' tractor, Johnny has decided that this year the noise and height are worth it. He held his hands over his ears for the first 10 minutes or so, but settled into it and decided that he never wanted to get down. He now wants me to take him over every weekend so that he can help Chris mow the grass. Johnny also has been more open to some new foods as of late, and not only did I convince him to try venison the other day, he downed it! We drove home from Grammy's with some more for me to cook up. He also ate a ton of ham the other day, and for those who know the kiddo, getting him to eat meat of any kind has always been a huge challenge, so I'm impressed and thrilled! He even ate the chicken alfredo I made for dinner a few nights ago, which I've never seen him so much as touch before. 

June has kicked off our summer well, and I'm glad that Johnny is enjoying life again. I was seriously worried for a while there, but it seems like he is adjusting to his new life and is maybe even starting to thrive again. He did talk to me this morning about the fact that he wishes his daddy and I were still married, but he was completely relaxed during our conversation and I simply explained that sometimes adults don't stay married and that his daddy and I will always love him just as much as we did before, and his daddy and I are friends. It isn't as though he hasn't heard this all from me a million times over the past few months, but I felt like this morning he really was listening to me when I said it. He gave me a big hug, then looked me in the eyes and said, "You're happy now, mom. I like it when you are happy. It's all okay, because you're always my family and I'll never not be your son." 

He's going to be just fine. This is what was best for all of us, including him.

the beach

Well, we went to the beach to visit my friends Joel and Sara. I have to say that for a 5 day trip with just me and the little man, things went about as well as I could have possibly hoped. He was in a pretty good mood for most of it, listened to me really well, and got along with his new friend Isaac (the oldest son of the family we were visiting, who is 4) swimmingly. I was even impressed with how well he handled the 1 year old twins, Jack and Ben. Johnny can be somewhat unsure of how to handle babies, but he did great.

This was the first time Johnny had ever seen the ocean. While the entire trip went amazingly well, I was the most impressed with how my kid handled the ocean. Within 5 minutes, he had been knocked on his butt and swallowed up momentarily by a wave, (I was right there and pulled him back up) and I seriously expected him to start to cry and refuse to go anywhere near the water for the rest of the day. He doesn't handle water touching his face at all, and to be knocked over and pushed under briefly was something I was sure would send him into a panic. However, he simply stood back up and sputtered for a moment, looked at me, and said "woah". That was it... just "woah" and then back to playing. He never went quite as deep again as he had been in that moment, (about 6 inches of water) but he proceeded to play with Isaac and chase the waves up and down the beach for several hours more. Joel and I literally had to coax the shivering boys out of the water.

The trip was good for me as well, in a lot of ways. While I enjoyed the beach immensely, more than anything I needed the time spent with such great friends. They're the kind of people you meet early on in life and connect with, and no matter how much time has passed or the distance that has physically grown between where you live, you are able to pick back up without blinking. Joel and Sara are two of a small handful of people who I truly feel relaxed around. Staying up an entire night with Joel and talking over the changes in life we have both experienced in the 7 years since we last saw one another, and spending the days with Sara sharing the good, the bad, and the ugly side of being a stay at home mom were priceless experiences for me. Looking back, it is amazing how little time we actually spent together when we first became friends. It is kind of insane that such a bond has lasted over the years, and I'm thankful to have them as a part of my life, no matter how far apart we may be. I'll have to admit: it was somewhat entertaining and almost a relief to be with friends who, when I put my foot in my mouth or said something completely off the wall, just laughed and said "you're still Karie" with a smile. Not a whole lot of people in my life react to me that way, outside of my family. It is good to have friends who accept me, quirks and all.

Anyway, the drive home felt longer than the drive down and I was relieved to find that my ex's parents were willing to take Johnny for the evening, because it turned out that he had believed he was going to see his dad that night, (who was working until 10, so that wasn't the plan) and he had begun to have a meltdown by the time we made it the whole way home. He was able to see his dad, even for just a few minutes, before falling asleep that night. I feel bad because I know that this whole split custody thing is still really confusing for Johnny, and at least for the remainder of the summer, it is a little strange while we work around Steve's schedule. I think that when the fall does come, we are going to have a hard time adjusting him to the set week/weekend schedule. I may see if his dad is willing to start that a week or two before school begins, just so that he isn't dealing with so many changes at one time. We'll have to wait and see.

the end of a chapter

So he has finally done it... he's finished up his 2 years of preschool. Those 2 years have gone slowly at times and quickly at others, but on the whole I find I'm surprised that the end is actually here. Today was more emotional for me than when he started preschool or any of his birthdays to date. Something about saying goodbye to an amazing woman who has been such a huge part of our day-to-day for almost half of Johnny's life was just overwhelming. I truly could not have asked for a more amazing teacher to work with my son, and I will be forever thankful that she became a part of our lives. Autumn-- you rock!

I went in about an hour before school ended to deliver Johnny some sugar-free frozen yogurt since the class was having an ice cream treat, and it was fun watching him end out his time there. They even had a little graduation ceremony, complete with little hats and diplomas. Mid-ceremony, Johnny began to have a bit of a breakdown. I joined him over at his seat and he flopped down in my arms, crying that he was never allowed to come back once we left and he wouldn't see Miss Autumn anymore, even though he loves her. We've been talking about the end of the school year for a few weeks now, and everyone has been trying to help him get ready for the transition, but I don't think it really hit him until it was time to say goodbye. He gave her the presents he picked out, ("The Best Teacher Ever" book and a beautiful necklace he chose all by himself) and proceeded to cuddle for a moment before leaving for good.

In a few weeks the school has a group trip scheduled for DelGrosso's Amusement Park, (or as the townies know it from our childhood, Bland's Park) and then in July there will be a mid-summer picnic for any of Miss Autumn's old students. We will be attending both, and Autumn has promised him to visit at our new house and continue a relationship on into the next school year and beyond. I'm a little nervous about starting school next year with a brand new teacher, because Autumn has set the bar so high. Hopefully whoever we end up with will be at least a fraction as amazing.

Goodbye, Matternville!

suicidal?

So the last few weeks have been rough. I didn't even get a chance to update in large part because during the moments when I did actually have time, I was just exhausted and didn't even want to think about the insanity that was going on. This all being said, here was how it happened...

Two Mondays ago, Johnny needed a haircut. I'm adjusting to a new level of income and working my best to save from spending unnecessarily, so cutting it myself seemed best. I usually take him to a salon, but it isn't too complicated to cut a boy's hair all of uniform length, especially when the goal is to make it as short as possible using only scissors. The clippers produce too much noise and vibration for Johnny to handle, so our deal is always that we will only use scissors if he will sit still for us. So, I set Johnny up on a chair in the kitchen with his iPad to play with. For the first half of the haircut, he sat relatively still and didn't fuss at all. Suddenly, mid-cut, he started freaking out. He threw his iPad across the room, began screaming at the top of his lungs, and was flailing about.

"I HATE YOU! I DON'T EVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!"

"I HATE EVERYTHING!"

"I WISH I WAS NEVER BORN!"

"I WISH YOU AND DADDY HAD A GIRL INSTEAD OF ME!"

"I HATE LIFE, I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE!"

"YOU ARE HORRIBLE AND I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU AT ALL!"

"I WANT TO DIE!"

Hitting himself, screaming, clawing at his clothes, (which I quickly removed because they really appeared to be making him uncomfortable) and just generally going postal. And honestly, while as a mom you never want to hear your kid saying things like that, I would know what to do if he was 12 or 17... but 5? What do you do with a preschooler who is screaming that he hates everything and wants to die? While I usually do a pretty good job of remaining composed while Johnny is freaking out about something, I began to cry.

I called Erin, Johnny's BSC, and asked for help. She pretty much told me to ignore everything he was saying and just offer to hold him if he wanted me. Assure him that I love him once or twice, but to not engage in conversation. She encouraged me to pull myself together, but really, my heart was breaking. How could I possibly be okay when my baby... who is still barely more than a baby... sounded suicidal? HE IS FIVE YEARS OLD!

I finally got him calmed down about an hour later, so complete with his horrible and unfinished haircut, we resumed our day. He had an art therapy appointment later that afternoon, and Erin had suggested not even talking about the things Johnny had said until we were far enough removed from the situation. During that session, I watched as Johnny proceeded to act out what he was thinking with some toys the therapist had on hand. There was much of the same, though this time without the intense physical fit. He had one character (a little cat) become the "protector" of the toy Jonathan, who made the mean mommy and daddy toys leave him alone by attacking them. The therapist asked Johnny to talk about his feelings regarding our divorce and the new separate housing situation, but he pretty much ignored her. Since he wasn't having a fit, she didn't push. I just kept reassuring Johnny, as I always do, that he is allowed to have whatever feelings he has. When he is angry or upset, sad or depressed, he is allowed to feel that way. I just want to help him in any way that I can.

In the days since then, I have tried to address with Johnny the issue of his feelings about what all has been going on, but he continues to ignore me any time I bring it up. While the remainder of that week was rough, last week he seemed perfectly fine. Granted, he was still being his obstinate self and not making the best of choices when with me, but he did get to spend almost every evening with his father, so he was super happy about that. I didn't have custody over the holiday weekend, and just got him back yesterday in time to take him to school. So far this week he seems back to being his old self. I feel like I should talk with him about everything again because I know that those feelings don't just go away, but at the same time I'm afraid to rock the boat. I'm still somewhat dumbfounded by the whole thing. How can a kid so young have such intense and deep feelings? He is experiencing life on a different emotional level than most kids his age. I know that I did too, and still do in many ways, but for once that doesn't make it any easier to know how I can help him. I guess only time, and therapy, will tell...

mother's day

So after a long week of no daddy time, Johnny was super psyched to see his dad and is thrilled to be spending today with him, since Steve has the day off and can be with him all day. The only downside to this is that it is Mother's Day, and Johnny is now worried about not being with me. Interestingly enough, within the standard custody agreement we both signed, the only set days out of the entire year that we are obligated to allow one another custody are Mother's Day and Father's Day. However, after the rough week the kiddo had and knowing how much he wants to be with his daddy, I had no problem with the idea of a childless Mother's Day. Steve offered to let me hold on to Johnny, but Steve doesn't have another day off until Thursday and I really think that the kiddo just needs to feel a little more balance than that. Never mind the fact that the end of the month will have a similar week of no daddy, one evening with about 3 hours together, and then Johnny and I leave for the beach for 5 days.

Still, my sweet boy was worried about me spending Mother's Day alone. He made me some stuff at school, and he wanted to be sure that I know that I'm "awesomesauce". The more honest side of me will never admit to him that really, a day to myself isn't the worst Mother's Day gift in the world. Sometimes moms need breaks, too. While I love him to death, I won't really complain about a chance to shower without the door opening 5 times, eat a meal where I don't have to cut up someone else's food first, and maybe even kick back and watch some TV that doesn't involve small cartoon animals. Plus, despite the annoying/boring factor, I could use some time to work on homework uninterrupted.

Today I'll enjoy a little *me* time and take a moment to be amused at how very similar we are. I'm truly raising a little clone.

moving

We're in! All of our stuff is into the new place and I've started the endless process of unpacking. Johnny is super psyched about everything and is thrilled with our new backyard. He says he doesn't like the "stinky cow smell" that is currently surrounding us because of the corn fields, but I think he is getting used to it already. Welcome to the country! (And really, we aren't even that far out there!) I did, however, pass my house when driving home in the dark last night. I hadn't left the light on outside and it was pitch black... way to be. It's all good, though. I'm just awesome like that.

There is now less than a month left of school for the kiddo. I've yet to hear back as to whether or not he has gotten into the summer camp that we applied to, but I'm pretty confident that it will all work out. At this point, it has to. And the first week of June? I'm taking the little dude to the beach. We're ready for summer in this house...

exhausted

I am so tired, I can't even begin to describe it. The house is mostly packed, though I know I'll never get all of the little things done before the time comes. I've spent the last day and a half trying to get as much homework done as possible in advance so that when the time comes to move, I won't have to worry about school. However, everything getting packed up means that Johnny is without pretty much all of his toys at the moment. While I didn't have him over the weekend, and I only have him one more full day between now and the move, I feel bad that he is left without much to do. I typically make a point of not finding ways to entertain him every second of the day and instead force him to play independently some, but I have a feeling that the next few days are going to involve more screen time than I would usually allow. On the up side, he at least has a play date coming up on Thursday evening while I move stuff!

What I need is a full 24 hours to sleep, with nothing hanging over me that needs to be done. I know, funny, right? In a dream world...

a question of timing

So... when do you tell your kid that you've started dating? I mean, he is 5. It wouldn't be so much hey, I'm dating now as it would be here, meet the guy I'm serious about. But at that, when has enough time passed? Johnny is still wrapping his head around the idea that mommy and daddy aren't married anymore. Obviously we're nowhere near that point quite yet because he wouldn't handle it well at all, but it still poses an interesting question. And really, for any of you who know me, I don't fall that easily but when I do, I fall hard and fast. While I've only really been in love twice, I also have grown and experienced enough to know exactly what I want and need in a man. When I am certain that I have who and what I want, it is going to be hard for me to wait around. As within all aspects of life, I am struggling to understand balance. Where is the line drawn that takes Johnny from unready to handle something like that to good-to-go? He is 16 years younger than I was when my parents got divorced... I don't know how to approach it from that age/angle. I know that it took me a very long time to adjust to the idea of my mom remarrying, (she had been married to my step-dad Chris for about a year before I was finally okay with it) but Johnny hasn't experienced much of life yet... how much does he really comprehend time in longer amounts than days or weeks? How long would it take for him to stop seeing mommy and daddy as a single unit and instead view us as two different parts of his life? Moving into a new house away from the one we once shared together as a family will be immensely helpful, I'm sure. But still... I have no idea how (or when) I'm going to do this.

Little Man doesn't handle change well. I wish my adult life and choices didn't impact him so much.

clowns

I have to say, I really think that even though Johnny has only been to 2 sessions so far, his new Art Therapy appointments have been going really well and have been helpful. The other day, Johnny had his appointment right before we were leaving town to go to the circus in Altoona with my mom and step-dad. Johnny was really anxious about going, and he was convinced that the clowns would be too scary. We talked about it during his therapy session, and his therapist explained that whenever he didn't want to see them, all he had to do was close his eyes or turn away. She told him that they are normal people who are just dressed up silly, and that it is okay if he doesn't like them.

Come time for the circus, Johnny still seemed a little anxious. The circus was at the Jaffa Shrine, (Masons) and my step-dad Chris belongs to the fraternity. Both Pappy Chris and Grammy knew all of the guys dressed up as clowns, and one of them had said that he wanted to meet Chris' grandson. We took Johnny on down to the floor and over to their friend, and at first Johnny was really shy and turned away. When Grammy explained that she knew that clown and that they are friends, Johnny warmed up a little. Then the clown pulled out an extra red nose to give to Johnny. The smile that lit up his face was amazing! I couldn't be more proud of how he ended up handling the situation, and afterward he repeatedly informed us that clowns "aren't really scary" and that some of them are even "cool".

The little steps forward keep me grounded in the middle of all of this chaos.

in the very merry month of may

The month of May is shaping up to be a complete disaster. Starting off with us moving, which I'm really excited about but expect will bring some issues for Johnny because he hates change, (don't we all?) and Steve immediately going on vacation without him, to Mother's Day being right after Steve returns, (which means I will most likely just hand the kiddo over because he will be an absolute nightmare for me after a whole week with no daddy, so why torture myself?) and ending with a week where Steve is working every hour that Johnny will be awake, (resulting in a second "no daddy" week) and I'm just dreading the whole month.

Run-on sentence enough for ya? That's how I feel about the whole thing.

Johnny is still emotionally all over the place for me but remaining an angel for his daddy. I was hoping that by now, 2 months in, I would have started to see a bit of a ceasefire when it comes to his attitude toward me. We're still experiencing screaming fits about how horrible I am and how I am keeping him from the parent he really loves. I'm a mean, horrible mommy who he doesn't want to be with. I never let him do anything he wants to do. My favorite moment recently *sarcasm, heavy sarcasm* was when he hid under the table at his dad's and cried, telling his dad that he doesn't want to get in trouble with daddy because he is always in trouble with mommy. You'd think I beat the child the way he reacts when he is forced to spend time with me. He has decided on multiple occasions to go the entire day without acknowledging my existence. Like I said, I'm just thrilled about the reaction I'm going to get when he finds out that he is going to go a long stretch without daddy, twice, in the month of May. I'm praying that when I take him to the beach for a week in June, he doesn't flip out on me for even more for "no daddy" time. It won't be much of a vacation if he spends the whole time screaming at me. I'm insistent on trying, though. I really want to visit my friends in Maryland, and I am excited about getting to meet their kids. Hopefully all of our boys will get along really well!

Anyway, other than May looking like it will potentially be the worst month of my life, (yes, I'm dramatic) I'm glad that the big move is almost here. I've spent most of today packing. Really, I think that the most interesting part of my afternoon has been going through a bunch of childhood and high school papers that I didn't even realize I still had. It has been cool reliving my life through the eyes I possessed at all of those points in time. Now I wonder all the more what my son will be like at each of those stages in his own life.

Love him. Can we skip May?

party fun

As usual, I had a little bit too much fun putting together Johnny's birthday party. Mario & Luigi party items aren't really sold anymore, so I made everything by hand. In the end, I believe the Birthday Boy really enjoyed himself, and I am thrilled at how everything turned out. The day even went better than last year's party, with only one minor setback in terms of Johnny's behavior. Honestly, it wasn't even an issue that he would have known how to handle prior to it coming up... no kid knows what to do when they open a present they don't want until it happens and they are then instructed on the proper way to react publicly.

Kids --all kids-- sometimes get presents that they aren't to thrilled about. My whole family will never forget the Christmas that my cousin was around 5 or 6 years old and he got hangers as a gift. Granted, it was an odd present, but all of us got some... Ethan, however, began to whine and cry. "But I don't WANT hangers for Christmas!!!" Every kid has a moment like that in their life, and apparently this year Johnny was going to experience that on his birthday. Thank goodness that the gift was from his GG, who is totally understanding and wasn't the least bit phased when Johnny cried out, "I don't want THIS! NO THANK YOU GG!" and folded his arms with a scowl of protest. Funnily enough, it was actually something he had asked me for countless times, (and didn't ever get) and I hadn't even told GG that he wanted it. However, when the kid is yelling and being rude about a present someone has given him, it becomes time to teach a life lesson.

You are allowed to not like a present.

You are not allowed to whine and complain about it to that person.

"No thank you" is the right way to handle food you don't like, (after trying some) but isn't okay for presents.

You say "thank you" and keep your thoughts to yourself for the moment. That person picked out a present just for you, and your words might hurt their feelings.

Smile, be polite, and then you can tell mommy or daddy that you didn't want that present later.

Make sure that when you tell mommy or daddy, you're alone with them.

He did begrudgingly go over and give GG a hug, still with a scowl, and then worry about "hiding" the present from his view. But really, an unwanted gift for a child is something that you don't really think to prep them for ahead of time... it is one of those circumstances that is handled when it arises.

Anyway, check out the awesome party I threw, because I'm super excited about it:

Cloud Jell-O Parfait

1-up Mushroom Cupcakes

Food Table

"Adult" Table

Kid's Table

The Birthday Boy

Friend, Jadyn

Grandpa "Without the Mustache" (found one!) and Miss Deb

Present Time!

Johnny's New iPad

Like I said, I had quite a bit of fun putting it all together. It took a bit of creativity and a whole lot of time, but I think it turned out well. I enjoyed making everything, and I am happy that Little Man had a good time.

Next year: bouncy house! 

here comes the sun

We finally got outside yesterday!!! Actually, I spent all but the end of my day with Johnny outside in the fresh air. I arrived at the house in time to let Steve get to work by 12:30 or so, and took Johnny over to meet up with Erin and her kids. We took everyone up on to campus with a picnic lunch, (Chick-fil-A) and let them play at the duck pond. After a nice time, we headed back to the house to let the little ones nap and allow Johnny and Ruthie to play outside. Eventually they got in a bit of time riding bikes, and then we went back to our house to play with the neighbor kids for a little while as well. We came in around 6 and relaxed a little because Johnny had declared that he was "totally tired!" and needed to just hang out. Around 7 the meltdowns began. While I wanted to pull my hair out by the time I finally got him off to bed, I think it was really good that he got that much energy out and had a chance to enjoy the sunshine. He slept in until 8:30 this morning!

Today is supposed to be even warmer, though overcast. I'm just excited that spring seems to finally be making an appearance in State College.

That's all! :-)

"the change"

It has been a little over a month since The Change as I have come to call it in front of Johnny. It isn't that the word divorce is never used, but rather that I have found that his ears perk up a little when he is within earshot and I say "divorce" in a conversation with someone, but if I simply say "The Change" he doesn't seem to notice. And lately, with all of the extra meetings that have been had with various therapists, teachers, aides and even more recently a representative from Managed Care, (almost all of which Johnny has been present for, unavoidably or by necessity in the case of Managed Care) the topic of The Change has been covered ad nauseum. I'm actually a little surprised that at this point the little guy isn't covering his ears with his hands and singing out, "la la la la la!" and trying to ignore us.

Johnny is doing really well... at school, and with his dad. With me, that isn't the case. We're almost to the point we were at last summer, before I had finally found help for him. The fact that his behavior isn't like that all of the time is a wonderful thing, but I have had to ask for additional TSS hours at home and I've found myself unable to take Johnny out in public more often than not. On days where I can't handle him on my own anymore, I've called for backup from family members to keep me sane. Without the additional help from Dotty and Lizzie that I have come to rely on over the past two years, because I really can't ask my ex's family to help out on "my time" with Johnny when they are helping out during "daddy time" and will soon have Johnny living in their house on weekends, I have started to feel overwhelmed and lacking in options. My prayers for the next few weeks are that Johnny will begin to relax a little when with me and that his anxiety will subside, at least a little bit. He begins with a new therapist in about a week, with the main goal to address his panic attacks and help him express his feelings through art. I think that it will be highly beneficial, and I believe that he will really enjoy the sessions.

In other news, we've found a new house. It has become really hard for me to live half time in two places, and while I would be willing to do anything for my son, I think that it is actually starting to get a little confusing for him. While I stand by my original belief that splitting the home in two right away would have been detrimental, for both of our sakes I feel it is time to move into a new place for a fresh start. I was lucky enough to find half of a duplex in the part of town where I grew up, in the footprint of Ferguson Township Elementary's part of the district. Johnny will just hop on the bus to the school that I had cherry-picked for him anyway, and I won't have to worry about driving him to and from every day. Additionally, the house we will be renting has a nice large yard and the other half of the duplex is used as a second home for the owners of the place. They're only there a few select weeks of the year, so the property will be primarily ours. I'll have a garage and they handle all snow removal and lawn care... what more could I ask for?

In order to allow Johnny to feel the most control over our situation as possible, Steve and I have decided to let him help us decorate. He picked out a bedroom set for his "new house" with daddy (they'll be living with Dotty, Gary and Lizzie) and he has decided that he wants a Lego themed room. Since he will be bringing all of his current bedroom things to mommy's house, he's picked out the new bathroom decor to match: Angry Birds. He is quite excited, and I was extra thrilled to find a set on clearance. Move-in is May 1st, and both Steve and I have been working on packing all of the non-essentials and splitting up our things. I'm now officially in the market for a new toaster, microwave and blender, couch set, twin bed frame, kitchen table and chairs. I think that we have found a very fair and even distribution of things. One more month to go.

The Change was abrupt and drastic, but despite the issues Johnny has been facing, I am optimistic that my amazing kid will bounce back. Life will never be the same, but with two parents that love him to death and are willing to work together to raise him and give him every opportunity for stability that they can, I believe that Johnny will eventually be able to thrive.

feeling sick & falling in love

I'm convinced that Johnny is doomed to be sick for the rest of his life. Okay, that may be a little dramatic, but he really hasn't been 100% for at least two months now. Every time I think he is finally getting over whatever he has, I am proven wrong. I woke up the other morning to a message from Steve saying that Johnny has taken yet another turn for the worse, after having finally perked up a little. At the rate he is going, I think I'm going to have to take him in to the doctor. Before now, it wasn't too worrying because part of his symptoms were expected after getting his vaccinations, but now we're a week and a half past his shots and he has gotten sick again. I'm hoping that this is just a bug and will go away on it's own, but I feel like it would be bad parenting on my part if I didn't take him in at this point. I'm totally not one of those moms who rushes my kid in to see the doctor over every little thing, but if it persists... which this has...

I blame the weather. I know that is pretty much everyone's excuse for anything going wrong right now, since the entire country has been going through an insane winter, but I am serious. It was 65 on Monday, soaking wet and around 40 on Tuesday, pure ice on Wednesday, a windchill of -12 yesterday, and it is supposed to get to 60 today. Whaaaa? You can't tell me that the weather hasn't been wreaking havoc on immune systems everywhere. Can it just be spring already? Or even better, summer?!

Anyway, due to the horrible weather and a sick kiddo, not much new is going on. We originally had a Family Day planned so that Johnny could have both parents at the same time, but since he ended up staying home from school yesterday, we ended up skipping the theater and renting a movie to watch at home. It was cute (Free Birds) and I think Johnny was pretty happy. He got to eat his dinner in the living room as a special treat, so all was well in his book.

Today is Steve's birthday, so he has the kiddo. While on the whole Johnny has been adjusting better than I thought he would, he still has moments where he shows how rough this transition has been on him. He wanted to know why I wasn't going to be at "the birthday party"tonight with Steve's family. Every time he sees a movie where the main characters end up getting married, he asks me, "Are they falling in love? Are you and daddy going to fall in love again? Are you going to get married?" and when I say no, he tells me that he wishes I would fall in love with him instead if I am not going to be with his daddy. I remind him that I fell in love with him the moment I knew he was growing inside my belly, and all over again the day he was born. I fall even more in love with him every day, and it is a special kind of love that only a parent can have for their child. I assure him that his daddy loves him the same way. Love is a hard concept when you're 4.

getting away

So I am in Pittsburgh for a few days. Steve has off work all of this week, so he could take Johnny for a bit while I leave town. There has been so much needed sister time, as I'm staying with Christy, and as always I wish she lived closer. I've enjoyed doing a bit of nothing for large parts of the day as well as going to a movie, out to eat, and generally just relaxing some. I miss the little man, though. My life would have a gaping hole in it without him.

Today I'm getting the chance to go visit my aunt, uncle and cousins. I have to say, the Clark family is perhaps one of my favorite groups of people to be around. They are genuine, loving, and downright funny. All year long I wait for the large family gatherings to get to hang out with them, and it is nice to be able to actually go see them for a change.

Tomorrow I'll see an old childhood friend who moved to Pittsburgh a little while back, and that will be a lot of fun. My friends have really scattered to the wind since we all became adults. Missouri, North Carolina, Maryland, Indiana, Kentucky, Ohio, Colorado and Seoul... not to mention the countless Army/Navy/Air Force/Marines who are constantly on the move. Very few people stuck around State College, (but I love the few who did!) and it feels a bit lonely sometimes. With the furthest away I have ever lived being just above Pittsburgh, which is about a 3 1/2 hour drive from my home town, I guess I really kind of wish I had lived a few other places before settling down here. Most likely I would have always been drawn back to State College, I have so many family members locally, but it would have been nice to experience a little more of the world (or heck, even just the country) before putting down roots.

All of this being said, I wouldn't give up my "roots" for anything. Johnny is by far the best part of my life, and if having him means sticking around, then I'm game. I can always travel for a little while and then return to State College. I'm proud of the kid I helped create, and even after almost 5 years of having him around, I am still amazed to look at him and think that I was a part of bringing such an independent and strong human being into this world.

For now, I'm enjoying a little break from my life. Resting, recharging, and having a good time. I couldn't live like this forever, though. Johnny is just too much a part of who I am to spend any real length of time away from him.

easterly parkway & final decisions

So yesterday I had my meeting and tour with Easterly Parkway Elementary. I have to say, while it seemed like a pleasant school, I don't think that I will be choosing it. From what everyone was telling me, I was expecting it to blow Ferguson out of the water, but I didn't get that impression at all when I was there. I liked the principal, Michael Maclay, but I just didn't get the same go-get'em attitude from him as I did from Charlotte Zmyslo. While Smyslo had a team of several people assembled for our meeting and had an entire host of questions for me and facts/figures/examples ready to share, Maclay was on his own and seemed helpful but not fired-up. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with not being a person who is on their toes every second of the day, (it is indeed that is a hard thing to aspire to no matter who you are) but when placing my child in a school because he has special needs, I want as much enthusiasm as possible from the entire network of people who would be helping him. The Ferguson crew wants to send in people to observe him at his preschool, they were throwing ideas at me left and right as to how we can best facilitate the transition for Johnny, and in general just seemed excited. Maclay had a great idea for helping Johnny become more independent toward the end of the school year when it comes to sharing with mom what he did at school, and I think it is a really cool and insightful concept, but that is all I was given. I get the impression that Maclay is very sweet and very good at his job, but that Zmyslo is a powerhouse. When it comes to getting a team to back me in supporting Johnny's educational experience, I think I'll choose a group of people as head-strong as I am.

All of that said, Easterly Parkway really was a beautiful school that I think most students probably thrive in. Would it work for Johnny? Most likely. However, I'm choosing to go a different route. Kindergarten sign-ups begin in 3 days. I'm glad to have gotten that meeting in so that I could make an informed decision. This is especially true because before going in, I had been leaning towards Easterly Parkway simply because they were more centrally located and I'm not quite sure where we will be living. However, I think that an out-of-the-way drive would be totally worth it to have Johnny placed in the school that is the best fit for his situation. Ferguson it is! 4th generation student in the building!

finding peace

I've had a lot of struggles in my life, but by far the biggest one I would say has been finding peace. No matter what situation I am in, I'm always somewhat anxious. Granted, I have more of a reason right now to feel anxious than any other time in my cumulative 27 years of existence, but I'm just a high-strung person. I know how to relax, I know how to have fun, but there is an underlying tone of insecurity that I've never fully been able to shake. In the past, this insecurity has often taken the form of personal insecurity. I've been unsure of who I am and what I want, of who I am meant to be. These past 7-8 years I have spent a lot of time working on those questions, and while I still am a little unsure of what God has planned for me, I do know that I have found myself. For the first time in my life, I am truly comfortable in my own skin, and more importantly, in my own mind. 

But, true to nature, just as I am starting to feel solid in most of the aspects of my life, I'm thrown another curve ball. Suddenly the world has opened up all over again, and I am faced with starting over. 27 is by no means too old to start over, and I do honestly know that this won't be the end of my world, but the whole idea is daunting. Never mind the fact that this time around, I have a kid in tow. 

So now my insecurity is taking a much more tangible form. I'm sure of myself and I'm sure of how I feel and what I believe, but I am absolutely clueless as to what the next several years hold. I am beyond anxious about how I am going to make a life for my son, and I'm just... scared. This is where the finding peace part comes in, Karie. Take a hint. 

You know, I think about the fact that my grandmother, at a similar age, took her 3 kids and started over. How did she find strength? How did she find peace? I know that she had amazingly supportive parents, and I am blessed with an entire network of people who assure me that they won't let me fall, but yet I seem incapable of letting go and trusting that things will work out. I'm scared because I honestly can't hold down a job to save my life, I'm scared because my child is his own special brand of complicated (though amazing), and I'm scared because I never in a million years ever saw my life being where it is right in this moment. In my head, I know that what I need to do is just trust that God will take care of me. I need to let go and just believe. I'll admit, this is perhaps my greatest shortcoming: I search everywhere for peace and struggle to find it, because I am too stubborn to just have faith. I feel the need to personally have control over situations, and there is nothing I fear more in life than being powerless, especially when it comes to providing everything my son needs. So my newest (and oldest) mission is to the test: finding peace. 

remember to breathe

As expected, Johnny is a bit of a hot mess. School seems to be a huge struggle, and when he is with me, he is having constant tantrums and getting set off by things as simple as me breathing. Everything puts him in a rage, and calming him isn't even close to possible most of the time... he has to decide for himself that he wants to.

I've been trying to do special things together when I get my turn with him, but there are only so many activities that I can come up with, especially in the dead of winter and with the stipulation that it be free. We've already exhausted so many of the indoor options throughout the past few months, and my creativity is running low, even in the wake of Pinterest. Yesterday we made "tie dye" cupcakes to take to today's church potluck. I'd never made them before with sugar-free cake batter, and it turns out that where a sugary mix usually convects and mixes together into cool patterns, the sugar-free ones stay pretty much exactly how you pour the batter in. Which, all in all, isn't really a problem: they're just marbled instead of swirled. They ended up pretty cute, albeit kind of Easter themed without meaning to.

For dinner last night I let him pick what we did, and as he wanted "crazy bread" and I had a gift card from Christmas that was for Olive Garden, I took him out. When we got there, it was insanely busy and the line was about an hour long. He was determined though, and started to cry when I suggested that we go home and make our own food. Once I was sure that he understood exactly how long of a wait it would be, and he still remained adamant, I agreed to stay. We literally sat on the floor near the entrance (because what else was I supposed to do? He wanted me to hold him!) and played Angry Birds on my phone for an hour. When it was finally our turn to go eat, I got some soup and he ordered his food: pasta, grapes and salad with a side of "CRAZY BREAD PLEASE!!!" to fill him up. He proceeded to eat only the grapes, croutons from the salad, and bread sticks. Honestly, I didn't push for much else. I made him try a bite of the pasta, but then considered my parenting "eat healthy" duties done for the night because I didn't have the energy to pick a fight over food. We chatted about what he wants to take to school this week to share with his classmates for his turn as Star of the Week. He tried to talk me into taking all 18 of his stuffed Angry Birds, but I'll have to wait and will see what he finally decides on as his (limited to 3) items.

After dinner we came home and sat around for a little while until my cousin texted me and asked if we wanted to come over for the remaining hour before bedtime. YES! Play time with other kiddos! And, as a bonus, some company for mommy. When we got home, (they live 2 blocks away, so we walked) Johnny resumed his angry mode and refused to get ready for bed. After a long battle that consisted mostly of me standing with my back turned to him so that he wasn't getting any attention to fuel the fire, I eventually got him into his room. We then FaceTimed with his daddy and read his Bible, said prayers, and went to bed.

The thing that I think I am having the hardest time with when it comes to Johnny is that I just can't even begin to figure out how I can help him with the emotional roller coaster he is on. Mommy is the "bad guy" because he thinks that mommy is making daddy leave the house on his nights off. He asked me why I won't let daddy come home. He spends the majority of his less-angry moments with me begging to see his daddy and crying because he misses him. The most ironic part: he is actually spending more one-on-one time with his daddy than ever before. And while my head is just screaming that none of this is my choice and that I don't want things to be like this any more than he does, I'm a mom... I can't say any of that. All I can do is hold him and reassure him that his daddy loves him and misses him too; let him know that he is allowed to have whatever feeling he is experiencing and that it is okay to be upset. I have to stand there and take it, because that is what my little guy deserves. He deserves every last ounce of support I can give him.

A friend of mine gave me this perspective: with a stay-at-home mom, kids know that they will always be loved no matter how they act. Johnny knows that he can fall apart or be really really angry at me and throw a million tantrums, and it will never change how I feel about him or how much I love him. Countless hours spent together have shown him that. Dads are more of a mystery because they don't spend as much time together and kids don't tend to see daddy as an emotional support. For the rest of my life, his daddy will always be the "fun one"... but this doesn't mean that mommy can't be fun or that he prefers to spend time with his daddy more (though there will definitely be times where that is the case). All it means is that he sees mommy as primarily one thing: safe. And if that is how my little guy is going to view me, I'm okay with that.

In his prayers last night, he asked God to help mommy be able to sleep. Thanks, buddy. For the first time in months, I really did.

family changes

Well, if it were possible to drop a bigger bomb in Johnny's lap, I don't know what that bomb would be. Steve has asked for a divorce. I don't write about this to delve into the details of our marital situation, but rather to explore and wonder how my son is going to handle such a huge change in his life. If we weren't already having a hard time providing him with a stable schedule, (yay snow!) this sure is going to mess with him.

We've decided to ride out the remaining 9 months or so of our lease. Steve will be here with him on his days off and 1-2 additional evenings a week, and I'll be here the rest of the time, each of us living with family during our "off" time. I think that this is the best way to keep Johnny's world as stable as possible and make him feel like the change isn't so drastic. Then, in the fall, we will begin the process of splitting the house in two and helping him adjust to separate houses. While the back-and-forth isn't easy on us as parents, I do truly believe that it is the best possible circumstance for the kiddo for the time being.

I am glad that we have been so blessed with supportive families in the area who are willing to pitch in and help out with the whole custody thing and give Steve and I each an extra home to go to in the meantime. He is part-time back with his parents and my grandma and grandpa (Johnny's GG and Pap Pap) are letting me take over one of their spare bedrooms. I've gotten a lot of calls and texts from other friends and family who don't live around here, and I've really appreciated all of their kind words and offers to help in any way they can. I know Steve has been receiving the same, which is wonderful. We are both praying that everyone keeps in mind that we will be raising this little boy together and are going to have to work as a team for the rest of our lives, regardless of our own personal situations.

Johnny seems to go in waves. This is very new for him, as it happened this past weekend, and I'm still waiting to see how he settles into things. He had an extremely rough day at school Tuesday (hitting, kicking and throwing things/breaking them) but did well there yesterday. Meanwhile, he has been a basket case with me. Yesterday he was refusing to eat dinner because his daddy wasn't there, and it took me about an hour to talk him into it with the bribe of a new book. I didn't force him and waited for him to agree before I even bought the food, (we were at Chick-fil-A) and eventually was able to get him to eat a little. He proceeded to say he didn't want to play until I noticed one of his friends was in the play place and he caved. Then, after he took a quick bathroom break, (where he proceeded to scream at the top of his lungs several times because every little thing has been setting him off) she left and he sat there crying because he was "all alone". Even once I got him home, he flipped out on me several more times before the end of the night for doing things like talking too loud (at a normal level) and not asking his opinion before turning on some music. I'm just... at a loss. I don't know how to help him. He is scared and confused and feels like I'm abandoning him every time I leave the house. As a mom, there is no worse feeling than helplessness.

I just have to keep reminding myself to take things one day at a time. I so desperately want to fix everything or have the next year completely planned out in order to give him the absolute most stability I possibly can, but that isn't something that can happen over night.

winter

Until now, I have never understood why parents with "special needs" children would choose to homeschool, when social interaction is such a huge part of development and a school setting provides that for their children in a way that staying home can't. While I'm sure I'll eat my words on that opinion at some point throughout Johnny's school career, especially if he isn't getting the services he needs, but I'm actually already starting to understand to a small extent. Johnny hasn't had a full week of school since early November. Things have been so back-and-forth: the school doesn't usually call off until 2 minutes before the bus is supposed to pick him up, (so he goes through the process of getting ready to only have his expectations crushed) the weather has been so insane that even the school district is racking up the snow days, and there has been absolutely zero consistency in Johnny's schedule. As someone who also works best with a regular routine, especially during the winter months, I can't fault the little guy for all of the meltdowns and tantrums that have come as a result. In fact, I think that if I had a way to get him the same level of social interaction at home, I'd have yanked the kid out of school months ago. The back-and-forth is worse than just not having school at all! If he were homeschooled, there would at least always be consistency in his schedule! Granted, I'm not the best at providing that stability because it takes a lot of effort to hold myself to a schedule much less anyone else, but man... I would do just about anything to fix this horrible cycle we're stuck in right now.

Today (Thursday) was Johnny's first day of school since last Tuesday. Not the Tuesday that just happened, the one BEFORE that. I literally had to drag him kicking and screaming out of the house to get him there, because he has decided that school is a horrible thing. Personally, I probably would think the same thing if I was repeatedly promised something and had it repeatedly yanked out of my grasp. "Go to bed, you have school tomorrow!" -- wake up -- "Get ready, you have to go to school!" -- get dressed-- "Wait, just kidding!" I mean really, Steve and I have been trying to plan for the snow that is predicted by preparing Johnny for the possibility that the next day may or may not have school, but it doesn't really do much to help things. Either way, Johnny feels played. It is no wonder that when a school day finally does happen, Johnny doesn't want anything to do with it. The fact that his Valentine's Day class party keeps getting pushed back (supposedly it will finally take place tomorrow) hasn't helped. Each day Johnny wakes asking if he gets to give everyone their Angry Birds Valentines that he has worked so hard on, and each day he is disappointed to find out that no, that isn't going to happen.

I had an appointment with Easterly Parkway Elementary set up for yesterday, but as it was yet another snow day, it has now been rescheduled for the first week of March. I'm anxious to get everything settled on that front! I hate uncertainty, and when it comes to my kid's placement for school, it seems my anxiety is amplified.

Winter sucks. I want to move south.

ferguson township elementary

So today I met with a team of people at Ferguson Township Elementary (where I attended school) to see what it would take to place Johnny there for kindergarten and find out what kind of help I could get for him. I still plan on meeting with Easterly Parkway Elementary as well, but I have to say that I was quite impressed with what Ferguson has to offer!

I met with the principal, Charlotte Zmyslo, the Learning Enrichment teacher, Diane Reed, and the Autistic Support teacher, Keri Hewitt. (Mary was along for the ride, and we got a brief chance to chat about our impressions afterward!) I feel that it was a really productive meeting, and came away with the impression that if I decide to go with Ferguson, Johnny will be looked at as an individual and addressed on his own level in each aspect of his education. They talked about how they have a lot of different kids dealing with the same issue of being very advanced in one or two areas and a bit behind in others. Johnny would be given the chance to learn with the rest of a class but also be challenged if he is finding assignments too simple. One of their current kindergartners attends a second grade math session throughout the week in order to meet his educational needs, but stays the rest of the day in the correct grade with peers his own age who can help him with emotional and behavioral growth. The school sounds like it has changed in more ways than just the recent renovation and building addition.

As silly as it sounds, I think I will have a harder time with Johnny's transition into the school district than Johnny will. At least for the first month and a half or so, Johnny will just be in a daze, extremely excited about the new adventure. I'm not even all that worried about the start of the school year, because I feel like he handles that initial change quite well. What has me stressing is the question of what things will be like after Johnny settles in more and the bright, sparkly, shiny part of kindergarten wears off. I find that I even have more confidence in his first year of school than I do the rest of his elementary career. While my first few years of school I only noticed that I was a little more advanced than the other students, (I was the only kindergartner reading novels and I didn't understand why the other kids didn't have similar literary interests) it was during my mid-elementary years that I began to realize just how different I was from the other students. My hope for Johnny is that when that moment comes, it isn't something that ends up defining him. I was very alienated as a child, and I don't want that to happen to my son. However, it sounds like Ferguson has found a great way to accommodate such children. In addition to this, they have made it so that kids can take friends with them to the Autistic Support room, which has turned what used to (when I was in school) be viewed as the derogatory exercise for the "Special Ed Kid" into an extra opportunity for fun. Keri said that other students literally beg for a turn to go along with her kids.

You know, I walked away from the meeting just feeling as though the people who would be working with Johnny actually enjoy their jobs and are excited to collaborate not only with one another but with me as well. Charlotte told me that whatever reward systems or coping methods we already have in place can be carried over into the classroom in order to help Johnny transition more smoothly and keep his rules consistent. I really appreciate that they want to make an effort to include the methods that we have worked so hard on at home. She also assured me that I could have a brief email from the teacher each day, similar to the report I get from Autumn. (Really, I just ask for a short paragraph telling me about any problems during the day and any successes! Four or five sentences and I'm thrilled!) Anyway, I feel as though a weight has been lifted off of me. Easterly Parkway might be even better or it may not quite live up to Ferguson, but I now know that either way, there is a great elementary school in our district for Johnny.

I'll keep y'all posted as I learn more about Easterly Parkway!