halloween

Growing up, mid-September always marked the time where we began to plan out our Halloween costumes. We didn't have money, and my mom's rule was that we either borrow it from someone who wasn't going to be using it, or we make our own costume out of what we could find at the house. This wasn't just frugal, it forced us to be creative. I remember in the fifth grade I went as Marvin the Martian with a green skirt and red turtleneck, my face painted black with big white circles around my eyes, red tights and white sneakers, white latex gloves (I was working with what I could find!) and a imaginative little hat made from the inside foam padding of a broken bike helmet that had been painted green and topped with an upside-down yellow construction paper brush. I had refused to go my sister's lazy route of borrowing the same extra witch costume from the neighbor, 5 years in a row.

Anyway, when I had Johnny I vowed (among the list of many things that I would change or not change about my upbringing) that I would teach my kids the meaning of creativity and imagination (and not spoil them) by making them work on original costumes for Halloween. His first year he was only 6 months old and we were flat broke. I was going to just stick him in a cute puppy-themed sleeper we already owned, but my mom couldn't resist the uber-cute baby costumes at the store and bought him a chunky monkey outfit that was adorable. His second Halloween I figured he was too young to understand any of it, so I bought him a little $10 soldier uniform off the internet and put my brother's dog tags around his neck. He was the cutest little Army man the world has ever seen!

The year he was 2 1/2 I took him to the store to look at the costumes and get an idea of what he thought might be fun. He was obviously still too young to get the concept of Halloween, but he did already have a box full of dress-up clothes and was excited when mommy offered him something new. Instead of him picking something generic that I could easily make at home, he picked Cookie Monster. Well, whatever. I just caved and bought it. It isn't like he was going to learn anything from me making it at home anyway. Last year, at age 3, Johnny decided he wanted to be "SUPER JOHNNY" for Halloween. We dressed him in a fedora and necktie with boxer briefs over his pants and put a cape on him that I had hand-sewn, made from old t-shirts. Finally! We were starting into the tradition of making the costumes ourselves. I didn't spend a single penny, though I wasn't (and am still not) opposed to buying supplies for his future costumes: I just don't like the idea of a complete costume out of a box. I especially detest the $45+ that they charge for some of these costumes! I digress...

This September rolled around and after we got into the swing of things with school, I decided to ask the kiddo what he wanted to dress up as for Halloween? He remembers trick-or-treating last year, so he was quite excited. What did he want to be? Well, Luigi of course!

Wait-- Luigi? Not Mario?

"But mom! Mario is already HERE!" -- Correct! We have our very own beloved Mario with us 24/7, so it does make sense that he wants to dress the part of Luigi to match. How could a mom believe otherwise? "You're so silly. You have to think, mommy!" Yes, think.

- Luigi hat

- Long sleeve kelly green shirt without logo or markings

- White gloves

- Blue overalls

- Brown shoes

- Mustache

So I got to work. I ordered the Luigi hat off of Amazon (complete with matching Mario hat, though Johnny knows nothing about that one quite yet!) and the gloves there as well. I know Amazon's prices fluctuate, but when I ordered them the hats were $6.50 as a set with free shipping and the gloves were $3.50 with free shipping. I had looked at making the hat on my own, but the supplies cost more than it did buying that set outright! 

Then, after checking every store in our town that sells children's clothing and eventually resorting to trolling the internet for something that could work, I finally came across WalMart's school uniform shop online. You can't buy school uniforms in stores, but you can order them on the website, so I ordered the shirt in a double pack, one in the shade of kelly green and the other a pretty blue that I'm sure he will wear at some point. Cost: $12 for 2. (I would have bought the other one in red so that he would have a Mario outfit all lined up and ready for him, but the only red they had was more of a scarlet...) 

So, add in one of the mustaches I found at Party City for 35 cents in their favors section, a pair of hand-me-down brown shoes someone gave us and a pair of jean overalls from Kid 2 Kid for $3.99, and we've got our costume! All-in-all, I spent less than $17 on the actual costume, which is cheaper than the ones they sell in the stores. (Plus, the ones in the store are flimsy quality things that fall apart after one day!) The best part is that he will have use for most of the components past just his dress-up time. 

I have to say, I lucked out this year. It doesn't get much easier than putting together a Luigi costume. And at least for the next few years, the creativity aspect is on me. Figuring out how to use what is at hand or make a costume with minimal extras and only buying parts and pieces of it will be a fun thing to watch Johnny learn how to do when he gets old enough. Since he couldn't do all of that this year, I did make him "earn" part of his costume. Because everything in our lives revolve around his potty training issues, it was only fitting that in order to get a Luigi hat, he had to show us that he could be a big boy! He earned it tonight, and so he was allowed to try on the entire outfit. 

I think it turned out well! 

whoops

Have you ever told your kid that you were going to do something for them and then totally forgotten about it? Yeah. Fun times. Especially with a "rules" and "extra literal" kid. The tantrums that ensue are outrageous and I just sit there kicking myself when it happens because we could have avoided a huge problem if I had just remembered. What makes it worse is if he is freaking out about a promise one parent made when it is the other parent he is talking to. It happened last night...

We had gone to Barnes & Noble (a place we hadn't actually been to in quite a long time) after dinner, and I let him pick out a book and gave him his money to pay for it. He tried to get me to let him buy a toy, but I explained that it is a book store, and I don't honestly care if they sell toys, he was going to buy a book or nothing. Johnny took about 20 minutes picking out exactly which book he wanted, and then we went to pay. We went out to the car, and as he was getting into his seat he asked if I could read it to him. I told him no, not in the car, but right before bed I could read it to him.

Two hours later, I had forgotten the book even existed. When we got home I had started doing other things, and so when Steve went to put him to bed, I wasn't even thinking about the book being a factor. I was working on the computer in my room when I heard Steve giving him the usual options: 5 minutes with the lights on with a book with his CD playing, just his CD playing, or nothing at all. Johnny kept saying, "but it is time to read!" over and over and began to have a full-on meltdown. Steve, like anyone, was a bit confused because he had just offered Johnny the choice of reading for 5 minutes with the lights on. When Johnny wouldn't calm down, Steve told him that he would make the decision for him: it was lights-out. Suddenly, something clicked in my brain. Oh yeah! I had told the kid I would read his new book to him! I felt so bad once I realized that the screaming was my fault.

I went over into the room and told Steve I understood what was going on, (since the poor guy had no way of knowing) and I sat down to talk to Johnny. We discussed how screaming and throwing a fit is not a good choice and is never going to get him what he wants from mommy and daddy. We talked about how when we get mad, we should take a deep breath and count numbers. I then told him that it was okay, I had forgotten that I was going to read to him, but that he needed to go tell daddy with calm words what I had promised. He eventually did so, and soon his frustration had evaporated. We cuddled and I read him his book, kissed him goodnight, put on his CD and left the room.

I struggle sometimes between the guilt of having been the one to cause the meltdown and the understanding that if it wasn't me, it would have been someone else, and he needs to learn how to handle situations like that. What kills me is the part where he isn't able to effectively communicate. He really truly thinks that what he is saying makes perfect sense to whoever is listening, but they just don't get it. He was telling daddy that it was reading time; how much clearer could he be? He is 4. And it isn't as though things started off as a meltdown, it was when daddy didn't understand what he was saying (or, as I suspect in his mind, daddy ignored his words even though he started saying them calmly) that things escalated.

I still feel guilty.

things are picking up

Fall has officially arrived; we're back into the swing of the school year. The air has finally started to cool some and the leaves are beginning to change colors. Raffle tickets are for sale, and Halloween costumes are in the works. The weather seems to have taken a while to cooperate, but Johnny and his mama are definitely in "fall mode". He has been back to school long enough now to fight me on having to go each morning and refuse to leave when the day is over. All reports say that he is starting to ease out of the honeymoon phase and get back to the kid we all know and love to work hard with. The easy days may be over, but now we can all get down to helping him learn to self-regulate his emotions. It may sound strange, but to me the start of the year is harder because it feels like wasted time. I know the "problem behaviors" are going to come back, and it is almost as though we've just pressed pause on them. I want to get to the root of things and help him change his mindset for good, not sit around as if the issues are gone. According to today's phone call with Autumn, my boy is acting more like his normal self. With all of her wonderful grace, Autumn is just as ready to jump in and work with him as I am. I couldn't ask for more!

The biggest change for Johnny this school year doesn't have anything to do with school. This year, Johnny is (as he tells everyone he meets) four AND A HALF, and is now the proud "daddy" of two adorable kittens. A week ago Sunday, Steve's coworker Jackie brought over all five kittens from the litter her cat had birthed six weeks prior. They were all awesome little fuzzballs, and we got to spend the entire day with them to choose which two we wanted to keep. Johnny didn't seem to have an opinion past "an orange one and a black one" (two were orange and the other three were black) so Steve and I picked the two we wanted. Since the kiddo was most interested in naming them after cartoon characters from his current favorite shows, which we doubt he will still watch six months from now, we took the liberty of naming them. The slightly larger black one we named Holmes and the orange striped one became Watson.

We could not have picked a better time in his life to have that kiddo in charge of some pets! While he obviously is too young to care for them entirely on his own, we do have him help with the feeding and general training. This morning I went downstairs to find him sitting with his hand across a lounging Watson's belly, just chillin. I asked him what he was doing? "Feeling him purrrrrrrr." I'm thrilled with how well he has taken to them, and he is quickly becoming a top-notch pet owner.

Johnny did inform us that he is their daddy, Steve is their grandpa, and I am their mommy because they "can't not have a mommy!" Gotta love him.

"pointment"

Yesterday was an adventure. I had to take Johnny for a re-evaluation through CenClear in order for him to continue receiving services with Ashleigh and Erin. Because the person they had on staff to do this in the State College area recently quit, I had to drive him to Philipsburg (some 40 minutes from my house) and have the meeting there.

I went to the school a bit early to pick Johnny up, knowing that it might be a good idea to not only have warned him before he left to get on the bus in the morning but also to give him some time once I got there to break himself away from whatever activity the class was involved in. Sure enough, when I walked in the door he sees me and yells "NO mommy! I CAN'T go until I finish LITERACY GROUPS!!!" He wasn't mad, he was excited. As a mom, I'll always prefer him to be that enthusiastic about literacy groups. Autumn has told me before that it is his favorite part of the week. (Which tells me that he is ready for more instruction-based learning, but I know that isn't how they work at a preschool level, and most kids wouldn't do well with it at that age...) My arrival coincided with Ashleigh's departure, so we stood and chatted for a few minutes while Johnny finished his literacy group. The day was reported to have been a harder one than any have been since he started back to school, but still no over-the-top moments. He has been doing a lot of building up for a big tantrum and then talking himself back down. -- Proud mama time!

Anyway, Ashleigh left and literacy groups ended just a minute later. I didn't have to have Johnny out the door quite yet, as I'd planned for a half hour of cushion time because in the past it has taken that long on many occasions, so I told him he could stay and have circle time and then his snack before we left. "My mommy is here, guys," he said. "My mommy had surgery" was followed by "My mommy is taking me to meet a new friend at pointment" and "You guys have to sing the goodbye song just to me since I have to leave with my mommy". It was easier for me that he was excited about my presence. After a snack, we began to head on our way.

We didn't leave until they sang the goodbye song "just to him".

I was already in a bit of pain (my meds were out by that time but I obviously couldn't take more if I was going to be driving) before we even got in the car, and the drive help. After finding the correct building and waiting our turn, we were shown into a little room to talk with one of the men who worked for Mental Health Services. He turned out to be a really cool guy and was easy to talk to. I answered all of his questions about Johnny, and like the last time he was evaluated, the kid himself was only asked about 3 questions in the hour we were there. Having remembered our previous experience, I had come prepared, carrying his iPad. Between that and a play-doh set that the guy (I think his name was Andrew?) let Johnny borrow while we were there, the kiddo made it through the "pointment" okay and we left for home.

I couldn't have asked for all of it to have gone any better than it did, but I was still in a lot of pain by the time it was all over. I knew I couldn't have pushed the meeting to another day because we were already right up against the deadline to get it done. If I hadn't taken him, he would have lost services and we would have had to start the entire process all over. I guess you do what you have to as a parent, no matter the cost to yourself. It wasn't life and death for me or anything, but I am still today feeling the effects quite strongly.

Today is Friday and he will hop on the bus a little after 11, not to return until 4. I need the time to try and rest in order for my body to catch up with me. For the third time this week, I intend to turn my phone off entirely. If the school needs to reach someone, Steve will have to do.

headway

So apparently we are making some progress!!! And by we, I mean Johnny. Today at school during lunch the new classroom aide passed out the cups at the table and there was one that didn't match the rest. Last year something similar happened when they had holiday themed plates that weren't his normal routine and he threw them, yelled, had a meltdown and then refused to eat or participate in any activities for the rest of the day. Today, he told Autumn that it was "not okay!" and then started to cry. He then switched gears and began to demand that he have the "special cup" as his own, (it wasn't at his place setting) but Autumn told him that it didn't work that way. He could either use the cup he was given or not drink anything at all, it was his choice. Instead of flipping out, he simply told her that maybe next time he would get lucky and have the special cup, then went on with his meal like nothing had happened.

I got this report in my daily email from Autumn and was excited to learn about it. I will be interested to hear both Ashleigh and Erin's take on the situation, as they were both present in the classroom today. They obviously weren't there at all last year, but I know that with Ashleigh's uber-observant eye, I might get a more detailed run-down. -- You might wonder how something like this simple situation could have more details: what I mean is that she records the amount of time an "incident" takes and what level of emotional response he gives, etc.

Anyway, it is nice to see the results of some of our hard work this summer! I must say that we ended out the season with a very different attitude and far fewer outbursts per day. Back in May, I wasn't sure what I was going to do to make it through the break from school, but Johnny has grown by leaps and bounds. I am anxious to watch as he continues to develop more socially appropriate behavior. Gold star for my boy!

The other fun part of today was working on a project with Johnny. The school sent home a big poster where he can draw a picture of himself, write his name really big at the top, color some parts in and then answer a series of questions. We just tackled the questions since mommy was confined to bed for the most part. Here are some of the questions and their resulting answers:

• What is your favorite color? -- Purple

• What is your favorite animal? -- Tiger (Which I have never heard him ever mention before, but he has been watching "Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood" a lot during my recovery!)

• What is your favorite food? -- Bagels & Cereal (Pretty much the only thing he has eaten during the past few days, since it is what has been on hand, is easy, and mama is able to put on the table in less than 10 seconds.)

• What do you want to be when you grow up? -- (Swirling his hand around his head while he answers...) "A guy who wears the crown. A king! I want to be The King!"

• What makes you a "star"? -- Practice. 

• Give 3 fun facts about yourself. -- 

               1. Loves Angry Birds

               2. Loves Mario & his "Whites" 

               3. Loves going to the carnival. (Whaaaa?)

• What is your favorite book? Race Cars (I have no idea?)

• How do you show love to people? (After insisting that I hold my hand out, he kisses my palm...) "With Kisses. On the hand."

Needless to say, I enjoyed our little chat and if I'm feeling better tomorrow than I did today, I'll be able to venture downstairs to the kitchen table and we can work on decorating the poster. Maybe I'll even get some stickers out for him! I grabbed one out of the basket at the doctor's office today during my post-op checkup. It has an angry bird on it. He should be thrilled!

back to school

The kiddo has started up school again (Thursday was his first day) and I am still working on healing. And by that I mean that I am trying to be as lazy as I can bring myself to be since I'm not supposed to be doing anything past napping and making sure I eat enough. The eating part has been hard as nothing is appetizing, but I'm getting there.

According to Miss Autumn, Johnny's school year kick-off has gone well. He is confused as to why some of the students from last year aren't there, even though we discussed the fact that they have moved on to kindergarten and he will too next year. I'm told that he was excited to see one of the friends he made on the playground last year. Yesterday he got hit in the stomach with one of those little plastic golf clubs while they were outside, but after the teachers calmed him down enough to explain that it wasn't on purpose, (as he is want to believe whenever anyone hurts him) but in fact an accident, he was fine and went on playing.

The really amazing thing to me about the start to Johnny's school year is that upon hearing about the lost pregnancy and resulting surgery, Miss Autumn sent home a bouquet of flowers for me. Something so simple yet so far above and beyond what is expected of a teacher -- I was both stunned and touched. She is really invested in the whole family, not just her student. It shows me that her attitude toward family health and cooperation in order to best help a child grow is something that all teachers should have. I'm not saying all teachers should send student's moms flowers after surgery, but I do believe that the kind of dedication Autumn has to becoming truly involved in the life of her students is quite exceptional and often lacking in others. Yay Miss Autumn!

Otherwise, my life remains somewhat on hold while I wait to recover. There are no crafts, no special games, and no trips out into the community. I can't drive and some days I can barely walk. Today was one of the harder days I've had because last night the kid accidentally kicked me in the stomach. He came into my bedroom around 2:00am crying and not fully awake, so despite my better judgment, I pulled him up into the bed with me to snuggle. About 2 hours later I received a nice whack in the gut from his amazingly powerful little feet and I promptly dialed Steve's cell (he has been sleeping on the couch since the surgery because he rolls a lot in his sleep and is afraid of hurting me) and woke him to carry the little guy back to bed. Johnny mumbled something about his Mario and needing his whites to go back to bed, but I have a feeling he was out again before his head hit the pillow.

I'd been craving snuggle time. It is one of the things I miss the most as a result of this whole ordeal. I will admit, I might still need more time to heal before snuggling again.

Sad panda.

At least I should be able to drive again sometime toward the end of next week!

stigmas

So, my standpoint on the stigma surrounding mental health and the "disabled" in general may astound some people. While I think it is horrible that those seeking help from the health care community are placed in a box or labeled taboo for being "strange", "different" or "messed up" in some way, I also see the reality of the world in which my child is being raised. The stigma is very wrong, but as much as I wish and will strive to change the public perception of those in need of help, I do know that things aren't going to be easy for anyone in my son's situation. And let me be clear; he needs help adjusting to a world that is at odds with the way he views things. He isn't disabled in any way. I'm not going to get cheesy and use the term "differently abled" because I think that it is still sticking my kid in a box, along with anyone else that society sees as different. Let's just go with this: cool. Because he is. He is a cool kid who has many strong talents and is amazingly comical.

Anyway, as much as I plan on raising my child to refrain from participating in any sort of labeling, (of himself or others) it doesn't diminish the fact that the world will continue to do so. Is it wrong of me to hope that through early intervention, we may be able to have him transitioned to simply being a part of the learning enrichment group by the time he hits middle school and no longer in any sort of learning support classroom? I mean, even though I could have greatly benefitted from help in my younger years, I eventually found a way to pass as something close to "normal" and be a part of the advanced track in school. I did not need any help other than additional intellectual challenges to keep me engaged in my education. A learning support classroom wouldn't have been appropriate for me. If he continues to be anything like me, and get the help he needs now while he is young, he shouldn't need extra help when he gets older.

Isn't that the point of early intervention?

But I feel that I get a lot of negative feedback from the autism community for having this view. "Autism never goes away". Well, yeah. I never said it would! "We're here and we're proud!" Neither my husband or I am in the least bit ashamed or upset with our son and the way that he learns. We are very proud of him. I simply want my child to have the chance to adjust to the mainstream and then let him swim with the other fish. Who he is will never change, nor will his diagnosis. However, his level of ability to interact with others in a socially acceptable manner is definitely something that can improve with the right help.

Call me what you will, but I pose a very realistic question: Would you have dated the autistic kid in high school? I mean, I wasn't diagnosed until I was in my 20s. I didn't have that label growing up, and I know that I wouldn't have dated someone with it. Been friends with them? Worked together on projects? Sure. But I wouldn't have dated the autistic kid. Yet here I am, diagnosed as autistic, married to a neuraltypical guy and the mother of a beautiful and smart child. I lead a "normal" life. My diagnosis doesn't define me, and with the continued help of therapists to regulate my emotions, get perspective when my over-rationality kicks in, and alter my often black-and-white view of the world, very few people would pick me out of a crowd and label me as anything more than eccentric. Do I hide from my diagnosis? Not at all. Am I afraid that people will find out? -- Ha! I actually usually inform people of it when they begin to judge my child for his tantrums. The "oh!" look on their faces are a great source of entertainment, as they suddenly are forced to shift their perspective at least a little bit due to how "normal" I appear to them. (Like I said, the better you know me, the more obvious my diagnosis becomes).

So, while I am "that mom" who will advocate for my child to the end, and I will never be afraid of standing up for him when he needs it no matter what label is placed on him, is it so bad that I would wish for my child to enter his older years in education without being placed in that box? By middle school age, students become aware of the peers in their classes that are in learning support. Is it wrong that I wish for my child a middle and high school experience where he doesn't have to fight against such a strong stigma? I already and will continue to teach him to never deny who he is, but what the autism community often forgets is that people are not defined by their diagnosis. He is not his autism. He has autism. Autism is simply a word that explains how his brain works in a different way than the "average" person.

Stigmas suck. People suck. But since I am capable of recognizing that the world won't be changing any time soon, it is only fair that I wish my son the least traumatizing childhood experience possible.

home days & haircuts

Today is my first day at home alone with Johnny. Steve made the kid's lunch and grabbed some extra snacks, then piled them all on the bed next to me. He filled 2 or 3 cups and lined them up in the refrigerator so that Little Man can get them whenever he wants. Johnny has already made use of the pile of goodies. Good call, daddy!

With pleas to Johnny that he only use the potty today and avoid getting his diaper dirty and a reminder to be extra careful with mommy, Steve was out the door. I only have to make it until a little after 3 and then Gary (Steve's dad) is picking the kiddo up. 4 more hours. It shouldn't be too bad. I was hoping to be well enough to do this without a second thought by now, but I am continuing to heal slower than the docs expected.

In the world of major progress with Johnny, I'm proud to announce that he got a haircut at a salon! Successfully! Without tears! And he even smiled at one point!!! Proud mama right here! (Notice all the exclamation points?) He sat very still, watched in the mirror and came out looking like quite the dapper young man. I couldn't have been more excited. I spent the rest of the night repeatedly telling Steve that we have an awesome big boy who got a haircut and did a great job. I think Steve was annoyed by the time the night ended, but I was so overjoyed! This has been something we have battled for the past 3 1/2 years (his first trim was around his first birthday) and I can't believe he has finally had a good experience.

So proud.

a long week

So this week has been... interesting. Recovery is going slower than the doctors expected, and having a 4-year-old at home who can't come within a 3 foot radius of me isn't any easier than it sounds. GG took him off my hands the first day I was back, and then gave him to Grandma and Aunt Lizzie that evening until Steve finished work. However, the next day was rough.

I had Johnny at home with me and while I had a steady flow of helpers in the house, (never left alone with him for fear of something happening to either one of us that I wouldn't be able to handle) it was a very long day. I woke up at around 6am and didn't get to sleep again at all until 2am. Between the inability to sleep from the constant parade of people in my house and the second trip to the ER around 6pm, there was just no rest. My body was mad at me. I had honestly wanted to skip another stint at the hospital, but when I called to ask about upping my pain meds for just a day or two, I was asked a barrage of questions that I apparently failed to answer in the desired way. I was ordered back to have an ultrasound, CT scan, blood work, and the like. By around 1:30 in the morning, they had finally decided that I was just healing very slowly and maybe they should up my pain meds... to the exact dose I had suggested several hours previously from the comfort of my own bed. While I appreciate the fact that they were trying to be thorough and just wanted to help, I was exhausted, grumpy, and in a lot of pain.

Luckily that evening Christy arrived to help me for the weekend. She headed straight to the hospital to meet me, and when it looked like we were going to be there late, she told Steve she could take care of me and we let the poor man go home to sleep before his next day of work. Dotty had taken Johnny overnight for us, so we didn't have to worry about him for the evening.

The following day (we are now at Saturday) was good. I was still in a good bit of pain, but having Christy there meant I could sleep whenever my body wanted me to and I never had to worry about Johnny. She took me out to dinner at my favorite restaurant for the only food that had sounded even remotely appetizing since the surgery. For the first time in almost a week, I ate. I mean, I really ate. So good! Anyway, we went to Target (me in the motorized scooter) and bought me two flowy dresses to wear while my abdomen heals, and grabbed some much-needed groceries. By the time we returned home I was ready to crash, not to mention dealing with even more elevated pain, but it was all worth it. Besides, it was Johnny's bed time!

Well... Christy has now officially seen (and been point-man for) one of Johnny's more intense tantrums. Throwing toys, hitting, trying to bite, kicking, forcing her to drag him back into his room repeatedly, (which is hard!) and screaming that could wake the dead. About an hour or so into the tantrum, we finally had him in his room with the door held shut until he calmed enough to lay down. We walked away (should I say, Christy walked away... I'd been in an armchair in the living room just trying to duck at thrown objects and use my voice as a form of authority) and left him to his own. A while later, I could hear that Johnny had finally calmed to a slow and quiet cry, so I took his blankets and security toy back into his room for him. I knew he wouldn't sleep overnight without them, but I wasn't going to give them back until it was unrelated to the tantrum. When I got over to the side of the room where he was, traversing past every single object he owned all strewn about the floor, I found a little boy so covered in sweat and tears that he was literally soaked. He was in just his diaper, and even his hair was dripping wet! -- Now, we took out the air conditioners last weekend, which proved to be poor judgment on my part, but it wasn't hot enough to produce that level of sweat!!! Poor little dude! If only he was able to calm himself before getting like that! I mopped him up and had him get up into his bed and rubbed his back while trying to soothe him. He got quiet and both Christy and I gave him our love before shutting the door for him to sleep. We didn't hear from him again.

Talk about one of those heart-wrenching moments as a mother! He was just such a pathetic little thing that all I wanted to do was cuddle with him. I wish I could have! It was all over-- it would have been appropriate if only I could physically handle it. And it is really hard in the middle of his tantrums when I know he is just escalating at the consequences of his own actions (like losing a toy because he threw it) to not just grab him in a big bear hug and rock until he calms. But as a mom, my job is to teach him how to handle these intense emotions on his own. Giving him that big hug would only positively reinforce his negative behavior. Gosh, it kills me though.

Little Dude seems good today from what I can tell, although I woke up in so much pain that I double-dosed my meds and promptly fell back asleep. I was out for almost the entire morning. Christy has him outside with the neighbors at the moment, swimming in their little pool. I will have to wait and see what all he has been up to when they come back in. I don't know what I would have done without Christy this weekend! She is headed back to Pittsburgh this evening, but Steve has off tomorrow. I really though I'd be able to handle Johnny on my own by Tuesday, but we will have to see. There was no way I would have been able to do last night's tantrum on my own, and with my body taking so much longer to heal... things should continue to be interesting.

I am just amazed and so appreciative of the tremendous outpouring of love and support I have gotten from my friends and family throughout all of this. Hopefully they won't tire of helping before I am able to return to normal life. I can't say I know of many people with such an incredible support network as I have.