rules for boys

Yesterday was not one of our better days. Having had such an amazing experience with the kiddo last weekend, I was somewhat surprised when our church picnic ended in Johnny spiraling out of control.

To be completely honest, I couldn't tell you which child set him off. I do recall some long bright blonde hair, but that describes multiple little girls who attend our church, and the minute I noticed the look on Johnny's face and his hostile posture, I began to run, seeing with tunnel vision from that moment on. I do know that every little girl that could have possibly been the catalyst to Johnny's meltdown is at least two years younger than he is, and none of those children have a history of malicious behavior. From what I could gather, the girl had accidentally tripped Johnny while they were playing, and she herself had begun to tumble, so she grabbed a hold of him to right herself. The problem with this is that in the world of Johnny, intention is directly tied and proportionate to the level of pain he feels. If you hurt him, you must have done it intentionally, and meant for it to hurt. If you hurt him a lot, you must have really meant it.

I've tried countless times to explain to Johnny that this isn't how most people work. Sure, there are individuals who will on occasion intentionally hurt someone else, but 9 times out of 10, if someone got hurt while playing, it was an accident. In his mind, those odds are reversed and the only times it is unintentional is when he's the one who accidentally hurt someone else.

Anyway, so I see Johnny rushing toward a little girl with his teeth barred and holding his hands out like claws, growling. It might have been comical if it weren't for the fact that I knew he was dead serious and out for blood. I ran across the yard and threw myself between them, scooped him up, and took him over to where I had been sitting on a bench. I locked him down on my lap by trapping his legs with my own and began to apply pressure in the form of a giant hug/restraint. Johnny proceeded to claw at, attempt to kick and bite me, and managed to get in a few good swings. Once I got him calm enough to carry him away, I took him into the house to be away from the situation. He screamed at the top of his lungs, a shrill and desperate cry that was anything but fake and most fully the expression of complete frustration and rage. Every time he gets that upset, my heart breaks for him. My own childhood flashes through my mind, and the overwhelming sensation of helplessness, confusion and frustration that I felt on countless occasions so similar in nature all come rushing back to me. He yelled and screamed that he couldn't calm down, that he was angry, that he wanted to hurt me, that he hated me, that I made everything worse, that she meant it, that she was horrible, that I let her be horrible to him, that I wasn't being fair, that I needed to die, that he needed to die. He launched himself at me multiple times, but I kept pushing him back into an empty room, insisting that he go and calm himself down privately. When Johnny is freaking out, there's nothing private about it, but I maintain that he needs to separate himself from everything and everyone when he is that far gone. I remember that level of all-consuming rage. I remember being so far gone that I couldn't even fathom how to stop from spiraling even further. As an adult, I've experienced that a handful of times, but as a kid, I remember it being far more often. Yesterday I felt so incredibly helpless because while I've found coping mechanisms as an adult that keep me from getting to that point again, they don't translate to things a 6 year old can easily do. Hell, sometimes it is hard enough for my 28 year old self to manage. So as my son continued to freak out, I kept a safe distance but remained as a barrier between him and the rest of the people there.

I won't lie, I broke down and cried.

Usually I'm at least able to hold it together until a situation is over and he's long since returned to whatever activity he was taking part in. Most of the time I can keep the tears in until I've put him to bed, cleaned up some of the house, and sunk slowly onto my bed to allow myself to process the events of the day. But yesterday? Yesterday I bawled as silently as I could manage, praying that my son wouldn't hear from the other room. My one friend Niki came over and gave me a hug and held me while I cried and told her how exhausted I am from moments like this. I love my child more than anything else in the world and feel amazingly blessed to have him in my life, but the powerless feeling of not knowing how to help him is crushing at times. Intimately knowing his pain but being unable to show him a way to fix it is one of the most infuriating feelings I've ever experienced.

When Johnny did finally calm himself, he still wanted to blame the little girl for everything. He began to beg to go home, and I felt that it would be a bad example to set that I would change my plans for the day just because he threw a tantrum. His dad was supposed to have him for the rest of the day anyway, and I needed someone to back me up and reinforce the idea that he is not allowed to hurt other people, including me, so I texted Steve to come and pick him up. By the time Steve got there, Johnny had gone back to playing calmly with the other kids and acted like nothing had happened. Steve, on the other hand, was quite stern when he picked Johnny up, and later relayed to me the conversation they had in the car on the way home.

There are times when my ex husband is able to find a brilliant way to approach a situation with our son that I would never in a million years have thought of. I'm not saying that Steve is by any means incapable of parenting Johnny, merely that as with most divorced family situations, (and often within those where the parents are still together) mom is usually the bad guy who handles the day-to-day and dad is the fun one. Having nannied kids for 10 years, and being the parent with primary custody, as well as having the same diagnosis as the kiddo, I'm often the one taking charge with how we approach a problem-- and Steve is usually extremely supportive. Steve's way of handling the situation yesterday when I didn't have a clue what to do with Johnny was perfect for who Johnny is and how he views the world: dad explained the rules.

While Johnny knows he isn't allowed to hit or attack other kids, and that is by no means a new concept for him, Steve approached it by pointing out that Johnny is a boy, and boys have special rules in life. There are a lot of cool things that come with being a boy, he explained, but it also comes with the rule that you never EVER hit a girl, for ANY reason. This new revelation about a special rule that he has to follow because he belongs to the male gender was just what it took for something to click in Johnny's brain. "Oh, I should apologize to mommy!" Yeah, buddy. You really should. (And he did!)

Steve's approach has bought me some time. We are still working on securing a new TSS and BSC for Johnny through CenClear, where he is receiving family based services right now, but in the meantime, I have a new way of approaching Johnny when he physically attacks me. Interestingly enough, I'd say that about 90% of the time he gets into a fight that causes him to become physical, it is an issue with a girl. This "boy rule", which is most definitely a very real and important rule, will be my constant reminder to him when things get heated. Hopefully soon we will have extra help on hand and can begin to really figure out ways to promote self-calming strategies.

Boy Rule #2? Always pay for the date. We'll approach that one in a few years...

proud mama

Days like today always blow me away. I know that it probably shouldn't be so surprising when my kid has such an awesome day, but when it comes down to it, 90% of our interactions involve me telling him that he has to do something he doesn't want to do. You see, I have Johnny from Sunday night until I drop him at school on Friday. This means that I spend the majority of the time I have him telling him to wake up, get dressed, eat his breakfast, prepare to go to school, (a transition he doesn't do well with) do homework when he has it, eat dinner -- which is rarely the peanut butter and jelly sandwich he begs for, get a bath, (water is a trigger) brush his teeth, and go to bed. His dad has mentioned that he doesn't have a lot of the issues with him over the weekend that I see throughout the school week, but I think it is because none of the "fun" stuff happens on weekdays. The days I've had him this past week when there was no school were some of the most fun I've had with him in a very long time. I'm getting to see a side of my son that I'm not used to. I've been able to see him relax, have fun, and to a certain extent, learn to roll with the punches. I got to keep him this weekend while his dad went out of town.

Today started off nice and lazy, just hanging out and cuddling while watching a movie. My friend Corinne then joined us this morning and into the afternoon as all three of us worked on different painting projects. I pushed for Johnny to stretch beyond his typical paintings by asking him to include a background. He seemed frustrated with me, but he tried it anyway. The result was wonderful! He also worked on some homework that we had been avoiding, and after a little bit of lip about not knowing how to do it, he successfully finished the task. When it came time for lunch, he ate everything I set in front of him. Then we went to get his hair cut, which is a task I absolutely dread. (Note: here was one of the hardest times I had cutting his hair!) Not only did he sit extremely still for his hair to be cut, he even allowed the girl to use a very small pair of clippers to trim his neckline and around his ears. Our agreement before even showing up was that no clippers would go anywhere near him, but when she talked to him about it and let him listen to them, (they were tiny, I think for facial hair) he acquiesced and I was floored!

After his haircut, we went to my cousin's kid's birthday party. Johnny was older than the majority of the kids present, and he usually has a hard time understanding that younger kids can't be held to the same standards that he knows and is expected to adhere to. While I was anticipating to have to field endless problems with him, I barely had to say a word to him all day. We arrived around 3:00 and didn't leave until almost 8:00! My cousin's husband even reported to me that when he checked in on the kids, (something the parents were taking sifts doing with the older ones who were playing outside) Johnny was managing to keep it together when he usually would be melting down about various things. He handed out all of the candy he got from the pinata game to the other kids (and my aunt) because he can't have sugar. When it came time for dinner, he was polite about asking for what he wanted and even drank a good bit of water with his meal, something we've been working very hard at doing since he hates water. Usually getting him to even take a sip of water is a fight and a half. To top it all off, when it was time to leave, he didn't fight me at all! He just said goodbye to the kids he was playing with, then hopped in the car and buckled himself in.

While I spent the entire day praising his good choices in the moment, I was so impressed with the decisions he made that when we got home, I made a huge fuss. I sat him down, walked him through our day and pointed out all of the moments where he made me proud and talked about how awesome his choices were. Since I don't have the usual worry of school in the morning, I told him that he was allowed to stay up late and even watch an entire episode of his show before bed, in my room (his favorite place to be in the house) while eating a special treat to make up for the candy he couldn't have. He was in heaven, and I got to cuddle with my favorite person in the whole world! What an awesome day!

tooth fairy

What can I say? My life is all over the place. Between the kiddo, work, school and dating, there is always something new happening that affects Johnny. I've recently interviewed for a new job, (I don't think I'll get it, but still...) my classes have been intense, and dating? Well-- long story there pretty much ends in starting over again. That fact makes me feel bad about Johnny getting to know the last guy, but at the same time, he is a resilient kiddo and after an initial feeling bummed, he seems over it. Meanwhile, we are experiencing the winter that will NEVER. END. The lack of time outdoors in the sunshine is taking it's toll on pretty much the entire Northeast, and my kiddo and I are no exception. One thing remains true: Johnny is Johnny, no matter what you do!

The most recent bit of excitement in our lives has been a kiddo milestone that Johnny has reached. The other day, he lost his first tooth. Unfortunately, he swallowed it. I don't think that this would have been a huge deal, had it not been his very first lost tooth.

We had been over at my mom's house for dinner that evening, and he proudly showed his grammy and pappy the wiggling tooth. For part of his dinner, he ate an apple. I thought nothing of it. On our way home, I stopped by the drive-thru CVS near our house, and in the middle of going to pay, he started shouting from the back seat, "It's gone! It's gone! I lost my tooth!". Well, this seemed to be exciting and fun until we realized that the tooth was nowhere to be seen. After searching all around him in the car and in the folds of his jacket, we called my mom to have her look around her house wherever he had been. The wonderful lady at the window who was watching all of this unfold was very positive and continued telling Johnny that either way, it would be okay, sometimes kids just swallow them. While she was just trying to help and certainly said what I would have said to any kid in that situation, it threw him for a loop. She even offered him a lollipop, which he usually isn't allowed to have because of the sugar content, but seeing that it was just a little dum-dum, I made an exception because I felt horrible that he was so upset and the lady unassumingly had made it worse.

As I'm driving home, Johnny's wails run the gamut from being sure the Tooth Fairy wouldn't come if there was no tooth, to needing to go to the hospital to get the tooth out of his belly because you're not supposed to swallow teeth and he might die. It isn't every day that you hear a kid wail, "I need a doctor!!!" repeatedly. (Truthfully, he was really worried. He was more concerned about it hurting him than he was about getting it back. He was convinced that it would kill him, because teeth don't belong in your belly!) Once we got home, it took some serious explaining and quite a bit of reasoning with Mr. Logical about the situation.

1. Kids swallow their teeth accidentally all of the time, the Tooth Fairy understands and other kids have all lived.
2. In order to ensure that the Tooth Fairy realizes that he lost the tooth, we can simply leave her a note.
3. Yes, you're right, the tooth fairy must be busy checking under every boy and girl's pillow every night, not knowing when or if anyone has lost any teeth.
4. Expect $1 bill from the Tooth Fairy.
5. The faster you relax, calm down, and get to bed, the faster the Tooth Fairy can come.

While he argued that the Tooth Fairy really might not realize to even come and check under his pillow to begin with, and time doesn't actually speed up no matter what you do, I did eventually talk him into writing a letter to the Tooth Fairy and got him off to bed only about 45 minutes later than usual. Note: he also needed a full scientific explanation as to the journey his tooth will take through his body, all the way down to where it will end up... and no, mama will not retrieve it from it's final destination.

You would think that this was the end of the Tooth Fairy drama, but you would be wrong.

Ecstatic about his dollar, Johnny came running to me at about 4am and decided he needed to hop in my bed and tell me all about it. I couldn't help but smile, and pulled back the blankets for him to join me. I had only just fallen asleep myself, and I'm pretty sure I dozed throughout the conversation. When daylight came and we began getting ready for school, he was off on his merry way and good to go. Then, walking out the door, he realized his dollar was missing. Queue panic. Honestly, I was in a hurry and while it might not have been the most gentle way to handle the situation, I picked him up and carried him to the car, assuring him that we would find it when we got home.

Johnny proceeds to get home that afternoon and scour the entire house. As it became apparent to me that he really might not find it, I pulled another dollar out of my wallet and just dropped it on the floor. However, the newly appointed Mr. Observation was able to tell that it wasn't the same dollar. He still can't explain to me how he knows, but he instantly knew it "didn't look the same" as the other one, (neither had any markings from what I could remember-- but knowing my kid, he looked at the serial number) and insisted that I must have lost my own dollar. I admitted that I had lost a dollar, but that he could keep that one and I'd just take the other one if it ever showed up. Um... nice try, mama. He wanted the one the Tooth Fairy gave him. No amount of talking could convince him otherwise. He set out on another search, to no avail. Finally he decided that he would hold my dollar for me to "keep it safe" until he found his own.

Oh my word-- I had no idea that being the Tooth Fairy would be such an involved job! It remains both amusing and sometimes frustrating to me that Johnny's brain works so differently from a lot of other children. I know that mine is just the same, but it doesn't make it easy sometimes. Most other kids are a little more trusting of whatever explanation you give for a situation. And goodness, noticing that it was a different dollar? Really? It remains amazing to me how capable both he and I are at observing the little details with random things in life, yet remain incapable of picking up on details pertaining to people. In the end, my job as the Tooth Fairy may have been less than perfectly executed, but at least I'll know what might be coming the next time around.

keeping busy

A lot has happened over the past few months of my life, and most things were for the good. I have finally secured services for Johnny again, after having lost everything near the beginning of the school year due to lack of providers in our area. They still don't have anyone to provide TSS or BSC services around here, but I was able to get Johnny signed up for a program that provides in-home services that focus on the family as a whole (or in our case, split) in order to provide the child with consistency and stability. We just started up with this program, so it will be interesting to see how the next few months unfold. I'm excited for the possibilities it affords Johnny, and I am glad to finally feel like I've got a little bit of support again. This school year has been tough without an extra hand or two!

I know I've covered this aspect of things in terms of how it affects the kiddo in a previous post, but changes have occurred in the realm of my dating life. Things ended between me and the first guy I introduced Johnny to after my divorce and have begun to get serious with another person, a man who Johnny was just met for the first time yesterday. It all sounds kind of crazy and fast, but it has been a while since I blogged, so it isn't as quick as it may seem. While Johnny had a little bit of a hard time when my last relationship ended, (and I wouldn't have introduced him had I had any inkling that it wasn't going to be a more lasting situation) he adjusted fairly quickly and then was thrilled to meet my boyfriend, who ironically bares the same name as him. As my mother has told me countless times, kids adapt. While Johnny may have a harder time adapting than most children, he is still a kid and he does bounce back. He is now looking forward to a new buddy to play with! An interesting and new dynamic enters into the situation because my boyfriend has two children, both around Johnny's age. While it might be a little bit before they actually meet one another, since Jon's kiddos reside primarily in Virginia, I am interested to see how Johnny handles the addition of other kids into my life, specifically. I have no doubt that he will do fine making new friends, and may even thrive all the more because of it, but I do think that it will be hard for him to realize that while the kids are new to his life, they are also entering my life as well. Time will tell, I guess.

In the meantime, I have a fairly happy and energetic kiddo who keeps me laughing and never ceases to find ways to amaze me and make me proud!

hiatus

With the school year, I have found myself extremely busy. This blog has essentially fallen by the wayside because I just don't have the time for much outside of work and Johnny, and in the moments I do find, the only thing I want to do is sleep. -- Not that sleep has gotten any easier. To top things off, I ended up sick and in the hospital again, which then meant taking a week and a half off of work and staying in bed endlessly, while trying to juggle the kiddo's wellbeing at the same time. Thanksgiving break has come and I am just now (three weeks later) starting to feel like myself again, though still, very tired. Steve has taken the kiddo for the majority of his days off school, and I've spent the holiday with my mom, stepdad, sister and stepbrother.

It's been an interesting holiday break so far. I almost didn't know what to do with myself without the kiddo under my feet, but I really felt that it made sense for him to be with his dad since Steve's family came in from out of town and my side of things remained very small. I picked him up this morning and took him to church with me. We headed back out to spend some time at my mom's, and ended our evening at home marathoning his new favorite show: MasterChef Junior.

Every now and then I seem to forget that my son is my mini-me. This evening, as I'm working on laundry, Jonathan came over and sat down beside me. He cocked his head to one side, then ran his hand down my arm and said, "you seem stressed". He made me stop the laundry for a moment and told me he was going to help me relax. Then, he began to do the one thing that instantly helps either one of us: he began to draw on my back. Don't get me wrong-- I know a lot of people who enjoy that sensation-- but talk about knowing me well! We may not be able to read people to save our lives and we may have to ask a million questions to understand what is going on with someone else, but we can recognize when something is "off" about one another and know exactly what to do to make the world stop spinning quite so fast.

I think I'll keep him!

slow to adjust

I was hoping that by the end of September, Johnny and I would both have settled into our new routine. Maybe John would be used to the hours of school and have stopped the constant meltdowns that begin the moment he gets home and don't end until he is fast asleep? Maybe I would feel like I had my feet under me with the new job, and would not still feel overwhelmed constantly? Well... yeah... no. The kiddo is still having a hard time with the transition from school to home in the afternoon, and while I am feeling a little more like I know what I am supposed to be doing at work, (in part because I have taken a job as a long-term sub, covering for the same person for several weeks) I don't feel like I ever have a moment of sanity. My house is a wreck because the last thing I ever feel like doing is cleaning, and between dealing with the little guy's tantrums and suffering from some of the worst insomnia I've had in a long time, I'm nothing short of exhausted. And unable to sleep.

Another very obvious consequence of this new schedule and increased amount of stuff going on has been my lack of time/motivation to write. As you can see, my blog has gone from regular updates to a short little snippet if I happen to have the time one random day of the month. My writing writing, (like, working on the book) has gone to nil. I feel both guilty and justified in this. I want to be doing more writing, I feel like I need to be doing more, but at the same time, it isn't like I don't have a perfectly good reason for slacking off lately. I'm busier than I've been in a long time!

While all of life may have sped up, Johnny seems to be racing time to grow even faster than I could imagine. From the random things he says that astound me to the endless wealth of knowledge that he has to share with the world, Little Man never ceases to amaze. He is a goof, and I love him. I only wish that we both were having an easier time of it with this whole transition into the school year. For now, I'll hold onto the moments we share together, being silly and having fun!

the new guy

A little while back, I did something that I was very nervous about doing: I introduced Johnny to my boyfriend, Kyle. While I was confident that the two would get along swimmingly, and Johnny had shown me every sign that he is ready and open to the idea of me dating someone, it still made me anxious. I'd never been faced with the prospect of introducing two people I care so much about to one another. Granted, I'd done the whole bring-the-guy-home-to-meet-the-family thing before, but it is a bit different when that "family" is your 5 year old son, not your parents and siblings. I was ready for it, I needed it to happen, but my stomach was still in knots right up until Kyle walked in the door.

The plan was to have dinner and then go to a baseball game. Since I asked Kyle to grab one of my missing ingredients on his way over, dinner wasn't quite ready. Johnny quite enthusiastically embraced the opportunity to have Kyle all to himself, and began playing some game involving all of his Angry Birds stuffed animals that I'm pretty sure, had I been paying closer attention, would have gotten him in trouble for throwing things in the house. The last thing I meant to do was have my boyfriend walk in the door and entertain my child while I finished dinner, but that is exactly what ended up happening. By the time I finished cooking 10 or 15 minutes later, Johnny had decided that they were best of friends. Aside from a slight tantrum that he began to throw over eating his food, (which was a meal he specifically requested) dinner went smoothly and then we headed out to the game. We made it through about half of the innings before Johnny's eyes started to glaze over (it was past his bedtime) and I decided to call it a night. Johnny was super thrilled because Kyle had gotten him a fly ball, and he passed out pretty quickly once we put him down to bed. They've made plans with each other to watch The Croods sometime soon, and in the times where they've run into each other since then, Johnny has been thrilled to get a few minutes to play with his new buddy.

I feel like I can breathe again. No matter how much I like Kyle, that relationship (or any other) could only exist to a certain point without Johnny being introduced into the mix. And whereas my own mother didn't have to worry about us kids getting along with whoever she brought home, since we were 16, 18, 19 and 20 years old when she started dating again, (so it was beneficial if we got along with the guy but not imperative) any guy I bring home will have a much more prominent role in my child's life. Obviously Johnny has a father, and no one would ever take Steve's place -- nor should they want to, he doesn't need another dad -- but whoever I end up with, they'll be around for most of Johnny's childhood. Getting along with my kid is a make-or-break kind of deal. To my relief, Kyle and Johnny seem to like one another just fine. Then again, I would hope that my boyfriend could appreciate my mini-me... Johnny is, after all, so very much like his mother. We are a wonderfully unique (but fun) package deal.

kindergarten

So I've been super busy and haven't written a post in a while. Today it is kind of unavoidable, as this was Johnny's first day of kindergarten. Guess what? He did just fine. Exactly as I expected. Why did I expect this? Well, partially because it was only an hour long and I was with him, but partially because I really expect the first month or two of school to go quite smoothly. Tomorrow he will get picked up by his transportation van and taken in for his first full day. I think he's super excited to get the ball rolling. In contrast, his comment after today's hour-long intro session was, "Well, that was BORING!" -- Um, yeah, I can't blame him for that reaction. I'd have been bummed if I were him, too, after having everyone get me really hyped for starting kindergarten and then only getting to spend an hour there on the first day.

Tomorrow marks my own first day: I'll be working as a substitute paraprofessional for the school district. This allows me to have a flexible schedule, so I think it will be a really good situation for both me and the little man. I'll admit that I'm nervous about starting, but I'm sure everything will go smoothly. This fall marks a lot of "firsts" for our little family, but I'm optimistic!

camping

Continuing the new trend of surprising me at every turn, Johnny had an extremely successful first camping trip the other weekend! Our church was taking all of the kids camping, and while they offered to have parents just drop the kids off and pick them up the next day, I obviously stuck around with the little guy and spent the night. The adults that were running the event are all people who are used to working with Johnny during Sunday School, so they were also super impressed with how well he did-- several made comments to me about what a successful experience it was for Johnny.

The "challenges" for Johnny to handle included some time spent out on a canoe on the pond, frog hunting, collecting firewood, cooking over the fire, getting mud all over him, mosquito bites, sleeping in a tent and even being sent to bed before the rest of the kids. Okay, so I sound like a mean mom for making him hit the hay a little earlier than everyone else, but we were already over an hour past his bedtime and when the kid does best when kept to a schedule, I decided he could forgo staying up to watch a projected movie that he has at home anyway. After just a moment of protest, he crawled into his sleeping bag and was out cold in less than a minute. He even slept in later than anyone else!

Our summer continues to bring new experiences for the little man, and I am thrilled to say that while we of course still deal with some of the same struggles we have always faced, Johnny is thriving more than ever. He continues to enjoy his summer camp every weekday morning, and with the National Autism Conference just around the corner, he has plenty more fun in store for his summer.

leaps and bounds

This past week or so has been full of big steps for Johnny. While it may not seem like a big deal to most people, my son has overcome two of his biggest sensory challenges and I couldn't be more proud. 

The other day we went out to my mom's house for the evening. Johnny's Grammy and Pappy Chris own a small farmette a little way out of town, and we like to go there and let Johnny help out with feeding the chickens, collecting eggs, planting and maintaining the garden, and mowing the lawn. (I've covered that last bit previously!) Anyway, the other evening we were there and it was hot out. For some reason his dad had sent Johnny to camp in long pants that morning, and being the stellar mom that I am, I didn't even notice it until we were out at my mom's a few hours later. The poor kid was dying, so I told him to take his pants off and just not worry about them. After all, it was just my mother and I out there with him. Well Johnny decided he was going to help Grammy clean out and refill the chickens' water, and before I knew it I heard squeals coming from the other side of the barn. Johnny was taking turns chasing grammy with the hose and vice versa. Eventually my mom talked him into helping her water the plants around the house, and by the end of it they had settled on watching the sprinkler in the garden for a little while. 

Johnny ventured into the garden while the sprinkler was running and before long was covered in freezing cold water, mud and grass. We let him play like that for a good long while, and every few minutes he would come running over to have me "check" his shirt or his shoes to show me just how dirty they were getting. While this may seem like a relatively simple and normal thing for a 5 year old to do, you have to understand that Johnny doesn't mix textures... ever. We have spent the past two years or so working so hard to have him handle mixed textures, and even just a single texture like mud or the feel of grass have been hard. Add in the fact that he was getting sprayed in the face with water, (yet another major issue we have dealt with in the past) I was floored that he was handling everything the way he did. He was seriously excited! Which in turn had both Grammy and me excited! I could barely believe what he was doing-- in soaking wet muddy sneakers and all. Super proud.

Well, then Wednesday came this week and it was our time to say goodbye to Ashleigh (his TSS) for good. What else would I choose to do on her last day than tackle one of Johnny's most difficult problems? I mean, I could have taken it easy on the poor girl, but honestly I was worried that without her and in the process of "breaking in" a new TSS, it might be a while until I had help with this particular issue, so I just went ahead and decided to shoot for it... a haircut. I gave Johnny three options: I could cut it at home with scissors, he could get it cut at a salon with scissors, or I could buzz it with the clippers at home. He asked what incentive I would give him for any of those options, so I told him that he could have chocolate if he got his hair cut with the scissors at either place, but could have a toy he has been begging me for for the past few months if he let me buzz it. Keeping in mind the fact that he hasn't had his hair buzzed in over 2 years because the noise and vibration are both too much for him to handle usually, I explained to him that if he let me use the clippers, he would get to go longer between haircuts. While that sounded good to him, I really think that the prospect of that toy is what did it for him: we were going to buzz it.

After the last haircut experience we had, (read here) I was super psyched that he was going to let me use the clippers because they're honestly a lot easier for me. However, I was expecting a full-on meltdown during the process, several stops, and was fully ready to accept that I might only get half of his head done before he lost it entirely and made the rest of the day a living nightmare. To my delight, he sat *relatively* still and it was all over in less than 10 minutes. Gone! A whole pile of strawberry blonde hair on the floor and a clean looking kid! We did go and get him the toy and he was just about as proud of himself as I was. 

After all of this, in addition to the experience we had at the ocean when he fell under and then got back up to keep playing, I can't help but look back at where things were even just a year ago. I am astounded by the progress he has made, and the fact that all of the big things seem to be happening in close succession leads me to believe that he is truly adjusting to the changes in his life. With custody evening out to start our set hours at the beginning of next month and school starting near the end, I think that Johnny and I have definitely found our footing. I am still just so impressed with the progress he has made, and I don't know that I could ask for anything more. I love that boy!

a peaceful summer

You can tell we're into the full swing of summer when I'm having a hard time remembering to write. However, this week started Johnny's camp that will see him through until school starts, so I am beginning to find myself with a little more free time on my hands. In addition to his camp, I've decided to take a few weeks off of school, so even the kid-less time that I usually use for homework has been freed up. So far I've made spectacular use of it all and caught a few naps here and there. 

We've had a few great moments and a few bumps along the way over the past few weeks, but overall I think the little guy is doing pretty well. The difference between last summer and this summer is like night and day. Where last year I couldn't take him out of the house without an additional set of hands, I've not only taken him on that trip to Maryland, but generally found a way to get him out of the house every day that he is with me. Parks, shopping, play dates, church... we've kept busy. The biggest downside to everything is that after almost a year with her, we will be losing his TSS Ashleigh. I couldn't have a higher respect for that girl, and she has been an amazing addition to our lives. She has been super helpful and sweet as can be, helping us through some tough times. Next week is his last session with her. After saying goodbye to Autumn, it feels a little hard to turn around and have Ashleigh leave as well. (Although to be fair, I saw Autumn yesterday and she plans on hanging out with us again soon!) 

In the world of accomplishments, Johnny has made some other big steps. Where the past few years have seen him too afraid to get on his Pappy Chris' tractor, Johnny has decided that this year the noise and height are worth it. He held his hands over his ears for the first 10 minutes or so, but settled into it and decided that he never wanted to get down. He now wants me to take him over every weekend so that he can help Chris mow the grass. Johnny also has been more open to some new foods as of late, and not only did I convince him to try venison the other day, he downed it! We drove home from Grammy's with some more for me to cook up. He also ate a ton of ham the other day, and for those who know the kiddo, getting him to eat meat of any kind has always been a huge challenge, so I'm impressed and thrilled! He even ate the chicken alfredo I made for dinner a few nights ago, which I've never seen him so much as touch before. 

June has kicked off our summer well, and I'm glad that Johnny is enjoying life again. I was seriously worried for a while there, but it seems like he is adjusting to his new life and is maybe even starting to thrive again. He did talk to me this morning about the fact that he wishes his daddy and I were still married, but he was completely relaxed during our conversation and I simply explained that sometimes adults don't stay married and that his daddy and I will always love him just as much as we did before, and his daddy and I are friends. It isn't as though he hasn't heard this all from me a million times over the past few months, but I felt like this morning he really was listening to me when I said it. He gave me a big hug, then looked me in the eyes and said, "You're happy now, mom. I like it when you are happy. It's all okay, because you're always my family and I'll never not be your son." 

He's going to be just fine. This is what was best for all of us, including him.

the beach

Well, we went to the beach to visit my friends Joel and Sara. I have to say that for a 5 day trip with just me and the little man, things went about as well as I could have possibly hoped. He was in a pretty good mood for most of it, listened to me really well, and got along with his new friend Isaac (the oldest son of the family we were visiting, who is 4) swimmingly. I was even impressed with how well he handled the 1 year old twins, Jack and Ben. Johnny can be somewhat unsure of how to handle babies, but he did great.

This was the first time Johnny had ever seen the ocean. While the entire trip went amazingly well, I was the most impressed with how my kid handled the ocean. Within 5 minutes, he had been knocked on his butt and swallowed up momentarily by a wave, (I was right there and pulled him back up) and I seriously expected him to start to cry and refuse to go anywhere near the water for the rest of the day. He doesn't handle water touching his face at all, and to be knocked over and pushed under briefly was something I was sure would send him into a panic. However, he simply stood back up and sputtered for a moment, looked at me, and said "woah". That was it... just "woah" and then back to playing. He never went quite as deep again as he had been in that moment, (about 6 inches of water) but he proceeded to play with Isaac and chase the waves up and down the beach for several hours more. Joel and I literally had to coax the shivering boys out of the water.

The trip was good for me as well, in a lot of ways. While I enjoyed the beach immensely, more than anything I needed the time spent with such great friends. They're the kind of people you meet early on in life and connect with, and no matter how much time has passed or the distance that has physically grown between where you live, you are able to pick back up without blinking. Joel and Sara are two of a small handful of people who I truly feel relaxed around. Staying up an entire night with Joel and talking over the changes in life we have both experienced in the 7 years since we last saw one another, and spending the days with Sara sharing the good, the bad, and the ugly side of being a stay at home mom were priceless experiences for me. Looking back, it is amazing how little time we actually spent together when we first became friends. It is kind of insane that such a bond has lasted over the years, and I'm thankful to have them as a part of my life, no matter how far apart we may be. I'll have to admit: it was somewhat entertaining and almost a relief to be with friends who, when I put my foot in my mouth or said something completely off the wall, just laughed and said "you're still Karie" with a smile. Not a whole lot of people in my life react to me that way, outside of my family. It is good to have friends who accept me, quirks and all.

Anyway, the drive home felt longer than the drive down and I was relieved to find that my ex's parents were willing to take Johnny for the evening, because it turned out that he had believed he was going to see his dad that night, (who was working until 10, so that wasn't the plan) and he had begun to have a meltdown by the time we made it the whole way home. He was able to see his dad, even for just a few minutes, before falling asleep that night. I feel bad because I know that this whole split custody thing is still really confusing for Johnny, and at least for the remainder of the summer, it is a little strange while we work around Steve's schedule. I think that when the fall does come, we are going to have a hard time adjusting him to the set week/weekend schedule. I may see if his dad is willing to start that a week or two before school begins, just so that he isn't dealing with so many changes at one time. We'll have to wait and see.

the end of a chapter

So he has finally done it... he's finished up his 2 years of preschool. Those 2 years have gone slowly at times and quickly at others, but on the whole I find I'm surprised that the end is actually here. Today was more emotional for me than when he started preschool or any of his birthdays to date. Something about saying goodbye to an amazing woman who has been such a huge part of our day-to-day for almost half of Johnny's life was just overwhelming. I truly could not have asked for a more amazing teacher to work with my son, and I will be forever thankful that she became a part of our lives. Autumn-- you rock!

I went in about an hour before school ended to deliver Johnny some sugar-free frozen yogurt since the class was having an ice cream treat, and it was fun watching him end out his time there. They even had a little graduation ceremony, complete with little hats and diplomas. Mid-ceremony, Johnny began to have a bit of a breakdown. I joined him over at his seat and he flopped down in my arms, crying that he was never allowed to come back once we left and he wouldn't see Miss Autumn anymore, even though he loves her. We've been talking about the end of the school year for a few weeks now, and everyone has been trying to help him get ready for the transition, but I don't think it really hit him until it was time to say goodbye. He gave her the presents he picked out, ("The Best Teacher Ever" book and a beautiful necklace he chose all by himself) and proceeded to cuddle for a moment before leaving for good.

In a few weeks the school has a group trip scheduled for DelGrosso's Amusement Park, (or as the townies know it from our childhood, Bland's Park) and then in July there will be a mid-summer picnic for any of Miss Autumn's old students. We will be attending both, and Autumn has promised him to visit at our new house and continue a relationship on into the next school year and beyond. I'm a little nervous about starting school next year with a brand new teacher, because Autumn has set the bar so high. Hopefully whoever we end up with will be at least a fraction as amazing.

Goodbye, Matternville!

suicidal?

So the last few weeks have been rough. I didn't even get a chance to update in large part because during the moments when I did actually have time, I was just exhausted and didn't even want to think about the insanity that was going on. This all being said, here was how it happened...

Two Mondays ago, Johnny needed a haircut. I'm adjusting to a new level of income and working my best to save from spending unnecessarily, so cutting it myself seemed best. I usually take him to a salon, but it isn't too complicated to cut a boy's hair all of uniform length, especially when the goal is to make it as short as possible using only scissors. The clippers produce too much noise and vibration for Johnny to handle, so our deal is always that we will only use scissors if he will sit still for us. So, I set Johnny up on a chair in the kitchen with his iPad to play with. For the first half of the haircut, he sat relatively still and didn't fuss at all. Suddenly, mid-cut, he started freaking out. He threw his iPad across the room, began screaming at the top of his lungs, and was flailing about.

"I HATE YOU! I DON'T EVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!"

"I HATE EVERYTHING!"

"I WISH I WAS NEVER BORN!"

"I WISH YOU AND DADDY HAD A GIRL INSTEAD OF ME!"

"I HATE LIFE, I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE!"

"YOU ARE HORRIBLE AND I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU AT ALL!"

"I WANT TO DIE!"

Hitting himself, screaming, clawing at his clothes, (which I quickly removed because they really appeared to be making him uncomfortable) and just generally going postal. And honestly, while as a mom you never want to hear your kid saying things like that, I would know what to do if he was 12 or 17... but 5? What do you do with a preschooler who is screaming that he hates everything and wants to die? While I usually do a pretty good job of remaining composed while Johnny is freaking out about something, I began to cry.

I called Erin, Johnny's BSC, and asked for help. She pretty much told me to ignore everything he was saying and just offer to hold him if he wanted me. Assure him that I love him once or twice, but to not engage in conversation. She encouraged me to pull myself together, but really, my heart was breaking. How could I possibly be okay when my baby... who is still barely more than a baby... sounded suicidal? HE IS FIVE YEARS OLD!

I finally got him calmed down about an hour later, so complete with his horrible and unfinished haircut, we resumed our day. He had an art therapy appointment later that afternoon, and Erin had suggested not even talking about the things Johnny had said until we were far enough removed from the situation. During that session, I watched as Johnny proceeded to act out what he was thinking with some toys the therapist had on hand. There was much of the same, though this time without the intense physical fit. He had one character (a little cat) become the "protector" of the toy Jonathan, who made the mean mommy and daddy toys leave him alone by attacking them. The therapist asked Johnny to talk about his feelings regarding our divorce and the new separate housing situation, but he pretty much ignored her. Since he wasn't having a fit, she didn't push. I just kept reassuring Johnny, as I always do, that he is allowed to have whatever feelings he has. When he is angry or upset, sad or depressed, he is allowed to feel that way. I just want to help him in any way that I can.

In the days since then, I have tried to address with Johnny the issue of his feelings about what all has been going on, but he continues to ignore me any time I bring it up. While the remainder of that week was rough, last week he seemed perfectly fine. Granted, he was still being his obstinate self and not making the best of choices when with me, but he did get to spend almost every evening with his father, so he was super happy about that. I didn't have custody over the holiday weekend, and just got him back yesterday in time to take him to school. So far this week he seems back to being his old self. I feel like I should talk with him about everything again because I know that those feelings don't just go away, but at the same time I'm afraid to rock the boat. I'm still somewhat dumbfounded by the whole thing. How can a kid so young have such intense and deep feelings? He is experiencing life on a different emotional level than most kids his age. I know that I did too, and still do in many ways, but for once that doesn't make it any easier to know how I can help him. I guess only time, and therapy, will tell...

mother's day

So after a long week of no daddy time, Johnny was super psyched to see his dad and is thrilled to be spending today with him, since Steve has the day off and can be with him all day. The only downside to this is that it is Mother's Day, and Johnny is now worried about not being with me. Interestingly enough, within the standard custody agreement we both signed, the only set days out of the entire year that we are obligated to allow one another custody are Mother's Day and Father's Day. However, after the rough week the kiddo had and knowing how much he wants to be with his daddy, I had no problem with the idea of a childless Mother's Day. Steve offered to let me hold on to Johnny, but Steve doesn't have another day off until Thursday and I really think that the kiddo just needs to feel a little more balance than that. Never mind the fact that the end of the month will have a similar week of no daddy, one evening with about 3 hours together, and then Johnny and I leave for the beach for 5 days.

Still, my sweet boy was worried about me spending Mother's Day alone. He made me some stuff at school, and he wanted to be sure that I know that I'm "awesomesauce". The more honest side of me will never admit to him that really, a day to myself isn't the worst Mother's Day gift in the world. Sometimes moms need breaks, too. While I love him to death, I won't really complain about a chance to shower without the door opening 5 times, eat a meal where I don't have to cut up someone else's food first, and maybe even kick back and watch some TV that doesn't involve small cartoon animals. Plus, despite the annoying/boring factor, I could use some time to work on homework uninterrupted.

Today I'll enjoy a little *me* time and take a moment to be amused at how very similar we are. I'm truly raising a little clone.

moving

We're in! All of our stuff is into the new place and I've started the endless process of unpacking. Johnny is super psyched about everything and is thrilled with our new backyard. He says he doesn't like the "stinky cow smell" that is currently surrounding us because of the corn fields, but I think he is getting used to it already. Welcome to the country! (And really, we aren't even that far out there!) I did, however, pass my house when driving home in the dark last night. I hadn't left the light on outside and it was pitch black... way to be. It's all good, though. I'm just awesome like that.

There is now less than a month left of school for the kiddo. I've yet to hear back as to whether or not he has gotten into the summer camp that we applied to, but I'm pretty confident that it will all work out. At this point, it has to. And the first week of June? I'm taking the little dude to the beach. We're ready for summer in this house...

exhausted

I am so tired, I can't even begin to describe it. The house is mostly packed, though I know I'll never get all of the little things done before the time comes. I've spent the last day and a half trying to get as much homework done as possible in advance so that when the time comes to move, I won't have to worry about school. However, everything getting packed up means that Johnny is without pretty much all of his toys at the moment. While I didn't have him over the weekend, and I only have him one more full day between now and the move, I feel bad that he is left without much to do. I typically make a point of not finding ways to entertain him every second of the day and instead force him to play independently some, but I have a feeling that the next few days are going to involve more screen time than I would usually allow. On the up side, he at least has a play date coming up on Thursday evening while I move stuff!

What I need is a full 24 hours to sleep, with nothing hanging over me that needs to be done. I know, funny, right? In a dream world...

a question of timing

So... when do you tell your kid that you've started dating? I mean, he is 5. It wouldn't be so much hey, I'm dating now as it would be here, meet the guy I'm serious about. But at that, when has enough time passed? Johnny is still wrapping his head around the idea that mommy and daddy aren't married anymore. Obviously we're nowhere near that point quite yet because he wouldn't handle it well at all, but it still poses an interesting question. And really, for any of you who know me, I don't fall that easily but when I do, I fall hard and fast. While I've only really been in love twice, I also have grown and experienced enough to know exactly what I want and need in a man. When I am certain that I have who and what I want, it is going to be hard for me to wait around. As within all aspects of life, I am struggling to understand balance. Where is the line drawn that takes Johnny from unready to handle something like that to good-to-go? He is 16 years younger than I was when my parents got divorced... I don't know how to approach it from that age/angle. I know that it took me a very long time to adjust to the idea of my mom remarrying, (she had been married to my step-dad Chris for about a year before I was finally okay with it) but Johnny hasn't experienced much of life yet... how much does he really comprehend time in longer amounts than days or weeks? How long would it take for him to stop seeing mommy and daddy as a single unit and instead view us as two different parts of his life? Moving into a new house away from the one we once shared together as a family will be immensely helpful, I'm sure. But still... I have no idea how (or when) I'm going to do this.

Little Man doesn't handle change well. I wish my adult life and choices didn't impact him so much.

clowns

I have to say, I really think that even though Johnny has only been to 2 sessions so far, his new Art Therapy appointments have been going really well and have been helpful. The other day, Johnny had his appointment right before we were leaving town to go to the circus in Altoona with my mom and step-dad. Johnny was really anxious about going, and he was convinced that the clowns would be too scary. We talked about it during his therapy session, and his therapist explained that whenever he didn't want to see them, all he had to do was close his eyes or turn away. She told him that they are normal people who are just dressed up silly, and that it is okay if he doesn't like them.

Come time for the circus, Johnny still seemed a little anxious. The circus was at the Jaffa Shrine, (Masons) and my step-dad Chris belongs to the fraternity. Both Pappy Chris and Grammy knew all of the guys dressed up as clowns, and one of them had said that he wanted to meet Chris' grandson. We took Johnny on down to the floor and over to their friend, and at first Johnny was really shy and turned away. When Grammy explained that she knew that clown and that they are friends, Johnny warmed up a little. Then the clown pulled out an extra red nose to give to Johnny. The smile that lit up his face was amazing! I couldn't be more proud of how he ended up handling the situation, and afterward he repeatedly informed us that clowns "aren't really scary" and that some of them are even "cool".

The little steps forward keep me grounded in the middle of all of this chaos.

in the very merry month of may

The month of May is shaping up to be a complete disaster. Starting off with us moving, which I'm really excited about but expect will bring some issues for Johnny because he hates change, (don't we all?) and Steve immediately going on vacation without him, to Mother's Day being right after Steve returns, (which means I will most likely just hand the kiddo over because he will be an absolute nightmare for me after a whole week with no daddy, so why torture myself?) and ending with a week where Steve is working every hour that Johnny will be awake, (resulting in a second "no daddy" week) and I'm just dreading the whole month.

Run-on sentence enough for ya? That's how I feel about the whole thing.

Johnny is still emotionally all over the place for me but remaining an angel for his daddy. I was hoping that by now, 2 months in, I would have started to see a bit of a ceasefire when it comes to his attitude toward me. We're still experiencing screaming fits about how horrible I am and how I am keeping him from the parent he really loves. I'm a mean, horrible mommy who he doesn't want to be with. I never let him do anything he wants to do. My favorite moment recently *sarcasm, heavy sarcasm* was when he hid under the table at his dad's and cried, telling his dad that he doesn't want to get in trouble with daddy because he is always in trouble with mommy. You'd think I beat the child the way he reacts when he is forced to spend time with me. He has decided on multiple occasions to go the entire day without acknowledging my existence. Like I said, I'm just thrilled about the reaction I'm going to get when he finds out that he is going to go a long stretch without daddy, twice, in the month of May. I'm praying that when I take him to the beach for a week in June, he doesn't flip out on me for even more for "no daddy" time. It won't be much of a vacation if he spends the whole time screaming at me. I'm insistent on trying, though. I really want to visit my friends in Maryland, and I am excited about getting to meet their kids. Hopefully all of our boys will get along really well!

Anyway, other than May looking like it will potentially be the worst month of my life, (yes, I'm dramatic) I'm glad that the big move is almost here. I've spent most of today packing. Really, I think that the most interesting part of my afternoon has been going through a bunch of childhood and high school papers that I didn't even realize I still had. It has been cool reliving my life through the eyes I possessed at all of those points in time. Now I wonder all the more what my son will be like at each of those stages in his own life.

Love him. Can we skip May?