So the last few weeks have been rough. I didn't even get a chance to update in large part because during the moments when I did actually have time, I was just exhausted and didn't even want to think about the insanity that was going on. This all being said, here was how it happened...
Two Mondays ago, Johnny needed a haircut. I'm adjusting to a new level of income and working my best to save from spending unnecessarily, so cutting it myself seemed best. I usually take him to a salon, but it isn't too complicated to cut a boy's hair all of uniform length, especially when the goal is to make it as short as possible using only scissors. The clippers produce too much noise and vibration for Johnny to handle, so our deal is always that we will only use scissors if he will sit still for us. So, I set Johnny up on a chair in the kitchen with his iPad to play with. For the first half of the haircut, he sat relatively still and didn't fuss at all. Suddenly, mid-cut, he started freaking out. He threw his iPad across the room, began screaming at the top of his lungs, and was flailing about.
"I HATE YOU! I DON'T EVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!"
"I HATE EVERYTHING!"
"I WISH I WAS NEVER BORN!"
"I WISH YOU AND DADDY HAD A GIRL INSTEAD OF ME!"
"I HATE LIFE, I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE!"
"YOU ARE HORRIBLE AND I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU AT ALL!"
"I WANT TO DIE!"
Hitting himself, screaming, clawing at his clothes, (which I quickly removed because they really appeared to be making him uncomfortable) and just generally going postal. And honestly, while as a mom you never want to hear your kid saying things like that, I would know what to do if he was 12 or 17... but 5? What do you do with a preschooler who is screaming that he hates everything and wants to die? While I usually do a pretty good job of remaining composed while Johnny is freaking out about something, I began to cry.
I called Erin, Johnny's BSC, and asked for help. She pretty much told me to ignore everything he was saying and just offer to hold him if he wanted me. Assure him that I love him once or twice, but to not engage in conversation. She encouraged me to pull myself together, but really, my heart was breaking. How could I possibly be okay when my baby... who is still barely more than a baby... sounded suicidal? HE IS FIVE YEARS OLD!
I finally got him calmed down about an hour later, so complete with his horrible and unfinished haircut, we resumed our day. He had an art therapy appointment later that afternoon, and Erin had suggested not even talking about the things Johnny had said until we were far enough removed from the situation. During that session, I watched as Johnny proceeded to act out what he was thinking with some toys the therapist had on hand. There was much of the same, though this time without the intense physical fit. He had one character (a little cat) become the "protector" of the toy Jonathan, who made the mean mommy and daddy toys leave him alone by attacking them. The therapist asked Johnny to talk about his feelings regarding our divorce and the new separate housing situation, but he pretty much ignored her. Since he wasn't having a fit, she didn't push. I just kept reassuring Johnny, as I always do, that he is allowed to have whatever feelings he has. When he is angry or upset, sad or depressed, he is allowed to feel that way. I just want to help him in any way that I can.
In the days since then, I have tried to address with Johnny the issue of his feelings about what all has been going on, but he continues to ignore me any time I bring it up. While the remainder of that week was rough, last week he seemed perfectly fine. Granted, he was still being his obstinate self and not making the best of choices when with me, but he did get to spend almost every evening with his father, so he was super happy about that. I didn't have custody over the holiday weekend, and just got him back yesterday in time to take him to school. So far this week he seems back to being his old self. I feel like I should talk with him about everything again because I know that those feelings don't just go away, but at the same time I'm afraid to rock the boat. I'm still somewhat dumbfounded by the whole thing. How can a kid so young have such intense and deep feelings? He is experiencing life on a different emotional level than most kids his age. I know that I did too, and still do in many ways, but for once that doesn't make it any easier to know how I can help him. I guess only time, and therapy, will tell...
Two Mondays ago, Johnny needed a haircut. I'm adjusting to a new level of income and working my best to save from spending unnecessarily, so cutting it myself seemed best. I usually take him to a salon, but it isn't too complicated to cut a boy's hair all of uniform length, especially when the goal is to make it as short as possible using only scissors. The clippers produce too much noise and vibration for Johnny to handle, so our deal is always that we will only use scissors if he will sit still for us. So, I set Johnny up on a chair in the kitchen with his iPad to play with. For the first half of the haircut, he sat relatively still and didn't fuss at all. Suddenly, mid-cut, he started freaking out. He threw his iPad across the room, began screaming at the top of his lungs, and was flailing about.
"I HATE YOU! I DON'T EVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!"
"I HATE EVERYTHING!"
"I WISH I WAS NEVER BORN!"
"I WISH YOU AND DADDY HAD A GIRL INSTEAD OF ME!"
"I HATE LIFE, I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE!"
"YOU ARE HORRIBLE AND I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU AT ALL!"
"I WANT TO DIE!"
Hitting himself, screaming, clawing at his clothes, (which I quickly removed because they really appeared to be making him uncomfortable) and just generally going postal. And honestly, while as a mom you never want to hear your kid saying things like that, I would know what to do if he was 12 or 17... but 5? What do you do with a preschooler who is screaming that he hates everything and wants to die? While I usually do a pretty good job of remaining composed while Johnny is freaking out about something, I began to cry.
I called Erin, Johnny's BSC, and asked for help. She pretty much told me to ignore everything he was saying and just offer to hold him if he wanted me. Assure him that I love him once or twice, but to not engage in conversation. She encouraged me to pull myself together, but really, my heart was breaking. How could I possibly be okay when my baby... who is still barely more than a baby... sounded suicidal? HE IS FIVE YEARS OLD!
I finally got him calmed down about an hour later, so complete with his horrible and unfinished haircut, we resumed our day. He had an art therapy appointment later that afternoon, and Erin had suggested not even talking about the things Johnny had said until we were far enough removed from the situation. During that session, I watched as Johnny proceeded to act out what he was thinking with some toys the therapist had on hand. There was much of the same, though this time without the intense physical fit. He had one character (a little cat) become the "protector" of the toy Jonathan, who made the mean mommy and daddy toys leave him alone by attacking them. The therapist asked Johnny to talk about his feelings regarding our divorce and the new separate housing situation, but he pretty much ignored her. Since he wasn't having a fit, she didn't push. I just kept reassuring Johnny, as I always do, that he is allowed to have whatever feelings he has. When he is angry or upset, sad or depressed, he is allowed to feel that way. I just want to help him in any way that I can.
In the days since then, I have tried to address with Johnny the issue of his feelings about what all has been going on, but he continues to ignore me any time I bring it up. While the remainder of that week was rough, last week he seemed perfectly fine. Granted, he was still being his obstinate self and not making the best of choices when with me, but he did get to spend almost every evening with his father, so he was super happy about that. I didn't have custody over the holiday weekend, and just got him back yesterday in time to take him to school. So far this week he seems back to being his old self. I feel like I should talk with him about everything again because I know that those feelings don't just go away, but at the same time I'm afraid to rock the boat. I'm still somewhat dumbfounded by the whole thing. How can a kid so young have such intense and deep feelings? He is experiencing life on a different emotional level than most kids his age. I know that I did too, and still do in many ways, but for once that doesn't make it any easier to know how I can help him. I guess only time, and therapy, will tell...
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