hugs & kisses

I've known a lot of sweet kids in my life. Snuggle bugs, kids that always want everyone to be happy, kids that smile non-stop... but nothing could have prepared me for the way I feel when my own little guy wants to "fix it" for me.

I guess it makes sense that after countless times that I have tried to convince him that all of his troubles can be solved with a hug and a kiss, (I mean, come on, at this age it is a good philosophy!)  he would start to believe it. "You don't feel good, mommy? Don't worry, I'll make you all better." Hug, hug, hug, hug, hug (in rapid succession so I'm being patted on the back with both arms around me amidst tight squeezes) and kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss. "There! You are feeling better, you just forgot!" -- That's one of his favorite things to say when he thinks his father or I was wrong and need to change our minds about something; "you forgot". Couple that with "you didn't know" (another favorite when he thinks we are woefully ignorant about something of great importance) and you've mastered his two main phrases. 

Whether it is because I am depressed, my chronic back pain is worse, or I stubbed my toe, Johnny is always there to fix me. While his efforts don't make a lick of difference in relation to the root cause of why I am upset, they are my favorite aspect of being his mom. Somehow, with the grace of God, I have given birth to the boy in possession of the biggest heart in the world. 

Yesterday I very suddenly became violently ill. I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say that I haven't been that sick since I went out on the town for my sister's 21st birthday party and forgot that I had taken a benzo when I'd been overwhelmed in a crowded restaurant at dinner. Bad mix. "Mommy, you forgot." -- Anyway, the whole evening (and so far today) all I could think about was how much better I would feel if I could only have my little man hold me for a moment and kiss away the pain. I'd still be sick, but I crave that overwhelming feeling of love that he radiates. Aren't we as parents supposed to kiss away the pain our children experience? How did he take on that role? 

Don't get me wrong, I give plenty hugs and kisses to my son and spend hours rocking and holding him when he is upset. I do everything I can to help him calm down and whatever is possible to make him feel better. But still, I am in awe of the fact that he has so totally mastered that skill at the age of 4. The otherwise on-the-go kid will slow down and snuggle for an hour if I'm having a rough day. If my back hurts, he tells me he will crack it for me like the doctor because he is going to make me feel better. His little hands suddenly find their way to my back while I sit there, allowing him to press as hard as he can (a gentle nudge, honestly) and then break into a big grin at what a good job he did. While I feel utterly helpless in the moments where I can't take away his pain, he is completely confident in his ability to make a difference in my wellbeing. 

I wish I wasn't possibly contagious. I could really use some Johnny right now.