Turns out, I'm not the most optimistic person in the world. Well, I already knew that. As a result, I'm not the most optimistic blogger in the world. Makes sense, plus I know my blog has often been a place for me to rant about what is going on in my life.
Does this make for the best read? No.
Does this make me sound whiny sometimes? Absolutely.
Does it bother me? Not so much.
And I'll tell you why; I didn't start out this blog with an audience. I fired up the computer (okay, iPad) and started essentially journaling in a public forum. -- A public forum that I hadn't actually let anyone in my life know about. Still now, only my husband and a close friend in South Korea know it exists. To my knowledge. They're the only ones who have asked, so they are the only ones I have sent the link to. I don't think pretty much anyone else in my life knows I blog anymore. Yet, I have a following of around 1,000 people.
For the first two years of Johnny's life, I blogged at a decreasingly steady rate. I started a few weeks before he was born, and finally called it quits around the time he turned 2. The people in my life were constantly asking for updates on the kid, and it was easier than blasting them with emails. With a blog, they could catch up when they wanted to or ignore it altogether. I came to realize that they had moved toward that "ignore it" option, and since Johnny was beginning to exhibit some of the issues we are dealing with today, it was easier to just stop and focus on the kid. Now, 2 years later, I'm back at it for a totally different purpose: I need my own "calm down" time. I need a sounding board (that doesn't respond in resounding condescension, though I don't have any opposition to comments and questions) where I could both return to my passion of writing and talk things out with myself.
I'm one of those people that process events in their life much better by voicing it.
I think what bothers me most about discussing some of these things with people who are a part of my life but not actively involved is that I am either judged or dismissed as exaggerating. Yes, I have a side to me that exaggerates sometimes, but that is usually about the size of the line at the checkout or the intensity of a movie. When I say that I can't leave my kid with a normal sitter, I'm not blowing things out of proportion. I can't. I have a very small list of people who I trust can not only handle my kid, but be a positive source of help and lovingly correct him when he is doing something he shouldn't, working to guide him in the right direction. When someone doesn't understand my son, they just deal with him the way they would any other child. You can't do that with Johnny -- it is not simply a bad idea that causes more tantrums and meltdowns, it can be damaging to him. When I think of how adults treated me when I was a child, I can easily see how they had a huge affect over my self esteem. When you're always being told that you're bad or in constant trouble for something, it is hard to think you're worth squat.
One of the biggest challenges in my life is also my most important goal: I will not treat my son the way I was treated as a child. While it is something you might think would come naturally because I am hyper-aware of the issue, it is still a struggle when I'm so used to being handled in that way. It is also sometimes hard to remind myself not to dismiss his actions as "bad" without looking at the root cause when I'm physically tired and turning into a puddle of mental exhaustion. I do make sure I always do one thing though, and it hasn't been hard to make this adaptation to typical parenting: I do not tell my child he has been bad. I do not tell my child he has been good. I make sure my son knows when he has been making good or bad choices. Because he isn't a bad kid. As with all kids, (and people in general) his actions come from a specific part of his interpretation of life, be it accurate or not. It should be kept in mind that while bad choices are easily pointed out, the good choices a kid makes need to be acknowledged as well.
Did you make good choices today?
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