Have you ever told your kid that you were going to do something for them and then totally forgotten about it? Yeah. Fun times. Especially with a "rules" and "extra literal" kid. The tantrums that ensue are outrageous and I just sit there kicking myself when it happens because we could have avoided a huge problem if I had just remembered. What makes it worse is if he is freaking out about a promise one parent made when it is the other parent he is talking to. It happened last night...
We had gone to Barnes & Noble (a place we hadn't actually been to in quite a long time) after dinner, and I let him pick out a book and gave him his money to pay for it. He tried to get me to let him buy a toy, but I explained that it is a book store, and I don't honestly care if they sell toys, he was going to buy a book or nothing. Johnny took about 20 minutes picking out exactly which book he wanted, and then we went to pay. We went out to the car, and as he was getting into his seat he asked if I could read it to him. I told him no, not in the car, but right before bed I could read it to him.
Two hours later, I had forgotten the book even existed. When we got home I had started doing other things, and so when Steve went to put him to bed, I wasn't even thinking about the book being a factor. I was working on the computer in my room when I heard Steve giving him the usual options: 5 minutes with the lights on with a book with his CD playing, just his CD playing, or nothing at all. Johnny kept saying, "but it is time to read!" over and over and began to have a full-on meltdown. Steve, like anyone, was a bit confused because he had just offered Johnny the choice of reading for 5 minutes with the lights on. When Johnny wouldn't calm down, Steve told him that he would make the decision for him: it was lights-out. Suddenly, something clicked in my brain. Oh yeah! I had told the kid I would read his new book to him! I felt so bad once I realized that the screaming was my fault.
I went over into the room and told Steve I understood what was going on, (since the poor guy had no way of knowing) and I sat down to talk to Johnny. We discussed how screaming and throwing a fit is not a good choice and is never going to get him what he wants from mommy and daddy. We talked about how when we get mad, we should take a deep breath and count numbers. I then told him that it was okay, I had forgotten that I was going to read to him, but that he needed to go tell daddy with calm words what I had promised. He eventually did so, and soon his frustration had evaporated. We cuddled and I read him his book, kissed him goodnight, put on his CD and left the room.
I struggle sometimes between the guilt of having been the one to cause the meltdown and the understanding that if it wasn't me, it would have been someone else, and he needs to learn how to handle situations like that. What kills me is the part where he isn't able to effectively communicate. He really truly thinks that what he is saying makes perfect sense to whoever is listening, but they just don't get it. He was telling daddy that it was reading time; how much clearer could he be? He is 4. And it isn't as though things started off as a meltdown, it was when daddy didn't understand what he was saying (or, as I suspect in his mind, daddy ignored his words even though he started saying them calmly) that things escalated.
I still feel guilty.
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We had gone to Barnes & Noble (a place we hadn't actually been to in quite a long time) after dinner, and I let him pick out a book and gave him his money to pay for it. He tried to get me to let him buy a toy, but I explained that it is a book store, and I don't honestly care if they sell toys, he was going to buy a book or nothing. Johnny took about 20 minutes picking out exactly which book he wanted, and then we went to pay. We went out to the car, and as he was getting into his seat he asked if I could read it to him. I told him no, not in the car, but right before bed I could read it to him.
Two hours later, I had forgotten the book even existed. When we got home I had started doing other things, and so when Steve went to put him to bed, I wasn't even thinking about the book being a factor. I was working on the computer in my room when I heard Steve giving him the usual options: 5 minutes with the lights on with a book with his CD playing, just his CD playing, or nothing at all. Johnny kept saying, "but it is time to read!" over and over and began to have a full-on meltdown. Steve, like anyone, was a bit confused because he had just offered Johnny the choice of reading for 5 minutes with the lights on. When Johnny wouldn't calm down, Steve told him that he would make the decision for him: it was lights-out. Suddenly, something clicked in my brain. Oh yeah! I had told the kid I would read his new book to him! I felt so bad once I realized that the screaming was my fault.
I went over into the room and told Steve I understood what was going on, (since the poor guy had no way of knowing) and I sat down to talk to Johnny. We discussed how screaming and throwing a fit is not a good choice and is never going to get him what he wants from mommy and daddy. We talked about how when we get mad, we should take a deep breath and count numbers. I then told him that it was okay, I had forgotten that I was going to read to him, but that he needed to go tell daddy with calm words what I had promised. He eventually did so, and soon his frustration had evaporated. We cuddled and I read him his book, kissed him goodnight, put on his CD and left the room.
I struggle sometimes between the guilt of having been the one to cause the meltdown and the understanding that if it wasn't me, it would have been someone else, and he needs to learn how to handle situations like that. What kills me is the part where he isn't able to effectively communicate. He really truly thinks that what he is saying makes perfect sense to whoever is listening, but they just don't get it. He was telling daddy that it was reading time; how much clearer could he be? He is 4. And it isn't as though things started off as a meltdown, it was when daddy didn't understand what he was saying (or, as I suspect in his mind, daddy ignored his words even though he started saying them calmly) that things escalated.
I still feel guilty.
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