As expected, Johnny is a bit of a hot mess. School seems to be a huge struggle, and when he is with me, he is having constant tantrums and getting set off by things as simple as me breathing. Everything puts him in a rage, and calming him isn't even close to possible most of the time... he has to decide for himself that he wants to.
I've been trying to do special things together when I get my turn with him, but there are only so many activities that I can come up with, especially in the dead of winter and with the stipulation that it be free. We've already exhausted so many of the indoor options throughout the past few months, and my creativity is running low, even in the wake of Pinterest. Yesterday we made "tie dye" cupcakes to take to today's church potluck. I'd never made them before with sugar-free cake batter, and it turns out that where a sugary mix usually convects and mixes together into cool patterns, the sugar-free ones stay pretty much exactly how you pour the batter in. Which, all in all, isn't really a problem: they're just marbled instead of swirled. They ended up pretty cute, albeit kind of Easter themed without meaning to.
For dinner last night I let him pick what we did, and as he wanted "crazy bread" and I had a gift card from Christmas that was for Olive Garden, I took him out. When we got there, it was insanely busy and the line was about an hour long. He was determined though, and started to cry when I suggested that we go home and make our own food. Once I was sure that he understood exactly how long of a wait it would be, and he still remained adamant, I agreed to stay. We literally sat on the floor near the entrance (because what else was I supposed to do? He wanted me to hold him!) and played Angry Birds on my phone for an hour. When it was finally our turn to go eat, I got some soup and he ordered his food: pasta, grapes and salad with a side of "CRAZY BREAD PLEASE!!!" to fill him up. He proceeded to eat only the grapes, croutons from the salad, and bread sticks. Honestly, I didn't push for much else. I made him try a bite of the pasta, but then considered my parenting "eat healthy" duties done for the night because I didn't have the energy to pick a fight over food. We chatted about what he wants to take to school this week to share with his classmates for his turn as Star of the Week. He tried to talk me into taking all 18 of his stuffed Angry Birds, but I'll have to wait and will see what he finally decides on as his (limited to 3) items.
After dinner we came home and sat around for a little while until my cousin texted me and asked if we wanted to come over for the remaining hour before bedtime. YES! Play time with other kiddos! And, as a bonus, some company for mommy. When we got home, (they live 2 blocks away, so we walked) Johnny resumed his angry mode and refused to get ready for bed. After a long battle that consisted mostly of me standing with my back turned to him so that he wasn't getting any attention to fuel the fire, I eventually got him into his room. We then FaceTimed with his daddy and read his Bible, said prayers, and went to bed.
The thing that I think I am having the hardest time with when it comes to Johnny is that I just can't even begin to figure out how I can help him with the emotional roller coaster he is on. Mommy is the "bad guy" because he thinks that mommy is making daddy leave the house on his nights off. He asked me why I won't let daddy come home. He spends the majority of his less-angry moments with me begging to see his daddy and crying because he misses him. The most ironic part: he is actually spending more one-on-one time with his daddy than ever before. And while my head is just screaming that none of this is my choice and that I don't want things to be like this any more than he does, I'm a mom... I can't say any of that. All I can do is hold him and reassure him that his daddy loves him and misses him too; let him know that he is allowed to have whatever feeling he is experiencing and that it is okay to be upset. I have to stand there and take it, because that is what my little guy deserves. He deserves every last ounce of support I can give him.
A friend of mine gave me this perspective: with a stay-at-home mom, kids know that they will always be loved no matter how they act. Johnny knows that he can fall apart or be really really angry at me and throw a million tantrums, and it will never change how I feel about him or how much I love him. Countless hours spent together have shown him that. Dads are more of a mystery because they don't spend as much time together and kids don't tend to see daddy as an emotional support. For the rest of my life, his daddy will always be the "fun one"... but this doesn't mean that mommy can't be fun or that he prefers to spend time with his daddy more (though there will definitely be times where that is the case). All it means is that he sees mommy as primarily one thing: safe. And if that is how my little guy is going to view me, I'm okay with that.
In his prayers last night, he asked God to help mommy be able to sleep. Thanks, buddy. For the first time in months, I really did.
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I've been trying to do special things together when I get my turn with him, but there are only so many activities that I can come up with, especially in the dead of winter and with the stipulation that it be free. We've already exhausted so many of the indoor options throughout the past few months, and my creativity is running low, even in the wake of Pinterest. Yesterday we made "tie dye" cupcakes to take to today's church potluck. I'd never made them before with sugar-free cake batter, and it turns out that where a sugary mix usually convects and mixes together into cool patterns, the sugar-free ones stay pretty much exactly how you pour the batter in. Which, all in all, isn't really a problem: they're just marbled instead of swirled. They ended up pretty cute, albeit kind of Easter themed without meaning to.
For dinner last night I let him pick what we did, and as he wanted "crazy bread" and I had a gift card from Christmas that was for Olive Garden, I took him out. When we got there, it was insanely busy and the line was about an hour long. He was determined though, and started to cry when I suggested that we go home and make our own food. Once I was sure that he understood exactly how long of a wait it would be, and he still remained adamant, I agreed to stay. We literally sat on the floor near the entrance (because what else was I supposed to do? He wanted me to hold him!) and played Angry Birds on my phone for an hour. When it was finally our turn to go eat, I got some soup and he ordered his food: pasta, grapes and salad with a side of "CRAZY BREAD PLEASE!!!" to fill him up. He proceeded to eat only the grapes, croutons from the salad, and bread sticks. Honestly, I didn't push for much else. I made him try a bite of the pasta, but then considered my parenting "eat healthy" duties done for the night because I didn't have the energy to pick a fight over food. We chatted about what he wants to take to school this week to share with his classmates for his turn as Star of the Week. He tried to talk me into taking all 18 of his stuffed Angry Birds, but I'll have to wait and will see what he finally decides on as his (limited to 3) items.
After dinner we came home and sat around for a little while until my cousin texted me and asked if we wanted to come over for the remaining hour before bedtime. YES! Play time with other kiddos! And, as a bonus, some company for mommy. When we got home, (they live 2 blocks away, so we walked) Johnny resumed his angry mode and refused to get ready for bed. After a long battle that consisted mostly of me standing with my back turned to him so that he wasn't getting any attention to fuel the fire, I eventually got him into his room. We then FaceTimed with his daddy and read his Bible, said prayers, and went to bed.
The thing that I think I am having the hardest time with when it comes to Johnny is that I just can't even begin to figure out how I can help him with the emotional roller coaster he is on. Mommy is the "bad guy" because he thinks that mommy is making daddy leave the house on his nights off. He asked me why I won't let daddy come home. He spends the majority of his less-angry moments with me begging to see his daddy and crying because he misses him. The most ironic part: he is actually spending more one-on-one time with his daddy than ever before. And while my head is just screaming that none of this is my choice and that I don't want things to be like this any more than he does, I'm a mom... I can't say any of that. All I can do is hold him and reassure him that his daddy loves him and misses him too; let him know that he is allowed to have whatever feeling he is experiencing and that it is okay to be upset. I have to stand there and take it, because that is what my little guy deserves. He deserves every last ounce of support I can give him.
A friend of mine gave me this perspective: with a stay-at-home mom, kids know that they will always be loved no matter how they act. Johnny knows that he can fall apart or be really really angry at me and throw a million tantrums, and it will never change how I feel about him or how much I love him. Countless hours spent together have shown him that. Dads are more of a mystery because they don't spend as much time together and kids don't tend to see daddy as an emotional support. For the rest of my life, his daddy will always be the "fun one"... but this doesn't mean that mommy can't be fun or that he prefers to spend time with his daddy more (though there will definitely be times where that is the case). All it means is that he sees mommy as primarily one thing: safe. And if that is how my little guy is going to view me, I'm okay with that.
In his prayers last night, he asked God to help mommy be able to sleep. Thanks, buddy. For the first time in months, I really did.
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