finding peace

I've had a lot of struggles in my life, but by far the biggest one I would say has been finding peace. No matter what situation I am in, I'm always somewhat anxious. Granted, I have more of a reason right now to feel anxious than any other time in my cumulative 27 years of existence, but I'm just a high-strung person. I know how to relax, I know how to have fun, but there is an underlying tone of insecurity that I've never fully been able to shake. In the past, this insecurity has often taken the form of personal insecurity. I've been unsure of who I am and what I want, of who I am meant to be. These past 7-8 years I have spent a lot of time working on those questions, and while I still am a little unsure of what God has planned for me, I do know that I have found myself. For the first time in my life, I am truly comfortable in my own skin, and more importantly, in my own mind. 

But, true to nature, just as I am starting to feel solid in most of the aspects of my life, I'm thrown another curve ball. Suddenly the world has opened up all over again, and I am faced with starting over. 27 is by no means too old to start over, and I do honestly know that this won't be the end of my world, but the whole idea is daunting. Never mind the fact that this time around, I have a kid in tow. 

So now my insecurity is taking a much more tangible form. I'm sure of myself and I'm sure of how I feel and what I believe, but I am absolutely clueless as to what the next several years hold. I am beyond anxious about how I am going to make a life for my son, and I'm just... scared. This is where the finding peace part comes in, Karie. Take a hint. 

You know, I think about the fact that my grandmother, at a similar age, took her 3 kids and started over. How did she find strength? How did she find peace? I know that she had amazingly supportive parents, and I am blessed with an entire network of people who assure me that they won't let me fall, but yet I seem incapable of letting go and trusting that things will work out. I'm scared because I honestly can't hold down a job to save my life, I'm scared because my child is his own special brand of complicated (though amazing), and I'm scared because I never in a million years ever saw my life being where it is right in this moment. In my head, I know that what I need to do is just trust that God will take care of me. I need to let go and just believe. I'll admit, this is perhaps my greatest shortcoming: I search everywhere for peace and struggle to find it, because I am too stubborn to just have faith. I feel the need to personally have control over situations, and there is nothing I fear more in life than being powerless, especially when it comes to providing everything my son needs. So my newest (and oldest) mission is to the test: finding peace.