"the change"

It has been a little over a month since The Change as I have come to call it in front of Johnny. It isn't that the word divorce is never used, but rather that I have found that his ears perk up a little when he is within earshot and I say "divorce" in a conversation with someone, but if I simply say "The Change" he doesn't seem to notice. And lately, with all of the extra meetings that have been had with various therapists, teachers, aides and even more recently a representative from Managed Care, (almost all of which Johnny has been present for, unavoidably or by necessity in the case of Managed Care) the topic of The Change has been covered ad nauseum. I'm actually a little surprised that at this point the little guy isn't covering his ears with his hands and singing out, "la la la la la!" and trying to ignore us.

Johnny is doing really well... at school, and with his dad. With me, that isn't the case. We're almost to the point we were at last summer, before I had finally found help for him. The fact that his behavior isn't like that all of the time is a wonderful thing, but I have had to ask for additional TSS hours at home and I've found myself unable to take Johnny out in public more often than not. On days where I can't handle him on my own anymore, I've called for backup from family members to keep me sane. Without the additional help from Dotty and Lizzie that I have come to rely on over the past two years, because I really can't ask my ex's family to help out on "my time" with Johnny when they are helping out during "daddy time" and will soon have Johnny living in their house on weekends, I have started to feel overwhelmed and lacking in options. My prayers for the next few weeks are that Johnny will begin to relax a little when with me and that his anxiety will subside, at least a little bit. He begins with a new therapist in about a week, with the main goal to address his panic attacks and help him express his feelings through art. I think that it will be highly beneficial, and I believe that he will really enjoy the sessions.

In other news, we've found a new house. It has become really hard for me to live half time in two places, and while I would be willing to do anything for my son, I think that it is actually starting to get a little confusing for him. While I stand by my original belief that splitting the home in two right away would have been detrimental, for both of our sakes I feel it is time to move into a new place for a fresh start. I was lucky enough to find half of a duplex in the part of town where I grew up, in the footprint of Ferguson Township Elementary's part of the district. Johnny will just hop on the bus to the school that I had cherry-picked for him anyway, and I won't have to worry about driving him to and from every day. Additionally, the house we will be renting has a nice large yard and the other half of the duplex is used as a second home for the owners of the place. They're only there a few select weeks of the year, so the property will be primarily ours. I'll have a garage and they handle all snow removal and lawn care... what more could I ask for?

In order to allow Johnny to feel the most control over our situation as possible, Steve and I have decided to let him help us decorate. He picked out a bedroom set for his "new house" with daddy (they'll be living with Dotty, Gary and Lizzie) and he has decided that he wants a Lego themed room. Since he will be bringing all of his current bedroom things to mommy's house, he's picked out the new bathroom decor to match: Angry Birds. He is quite excited, and I was extra thrilled to find a set on clearance. Move-in is May 1st, and both Steve and I have been working on packing all of the non-essentials and splitting up our things. I'm now officially in the market for a new toaster, microwave and blender, couch set, twin bed frame, kitchen table and chairs. I think that we have found a very fair and even distribution of things. One more month to go.

The Change was abrupt and drastic, but despite the issues Johnny has been facing, I am optimistic that my amazing kid will bounce back. Life will never be the same, but with two parents that love him to death and are willing to work together to raise him and give him every opportunity for stability that they can, I believe that Johnny will eventually be able to thrive.

feeling sick & falling in love

I'm convinced that Johnny is doomed to be sick for the rest of his life. Okay, that may be a little dramatic, but he really hasn't been 100% for at least two months now. Every time I think he is finally getting over whatever he has, I am proven wrong. I woke up the other morning to a message from Steve saying that Johnny has taken yet another turn for the worse, after having finally perked up a little. At the rate he is going, I think I'm going to have to take him in to the doctor. Before now, it wasn't too worrying because part of his symptoms were expected after getting his vaccinations, but now we're a week and a half past his shots and he has gotten sick again. I'm hoping that this is just a bug and will go away on it's own, but I feel like it would be bad parenting on my part if I didn't take him in at this point. I'm totally not one of those moms who rushes my kid in to see the doctor over every little thing, but if it persists... which this has...

I blame the weather. I know that is pretty much everyone's excuse for anything going wrong right now, since the entire country has been going through an insane winter, but I am serious. It was 65 on Monday, soaking wet and around 40 on Tuesday, pure ice on Wednesday, a windchill of -12 yesterday, and it is supposed to get to 60 today. Whaaaa? You can't tell me that the weather hasn't been wreaking havoc on immune systems everywhere. Can it just be spring already? Or even better, summer?!

Anyway, due to the horrible weather and a sick kiddo, not much new is going on. We originally had a Family Day planned so that Johnny could have both parents at the same time, but since he ended up staying home from school yesterday, we ended up skipping the theater and renting a movie to watch at home. It was cute (Free Birds) and I think Johnny was pretty happy. He got to eat his dinner in the living room as a special treat, so all was well in his book.

Today is Steve's birthday, so he has the kiddo. While on the whole Johnny has been adjusting better than I thought he would, he still has moments where he shows how rough this transition has been on him. He wanted to know why I wasn't going to be at "the birthday party"tonight with Steve's family. Every time he sees a movie where the main characters end up getting married, he asks me, "Are they falling in love? Are you and daddy going to fall in love again? Are you going to get married?" and when I say no, he tells me that he wishes I would fall in love with him instead if I am not going to be with his daddy. I remind him that I fell in love with him the moment I knew he was growing inside my belly, and all over again the day he was born. I fall even more in love with him every day, and it is a special kind of love that only a parent can have for their child. I assure him that his daddy loves him the same way. Love is a hard concept when you're 4.

getting away

So I am in Pittsburgh for a few days. Steve has off work all of this week, so he could take Johnny for a bit while I leave town. There has been so much needed sister time, as I'm staying with Christy, and as always I wish she lived closer. I've enjoyed doing a bit of nothing for large parts of the day as well as going to a movie, out to eat, and generally just relaxing some. I miss the little man, though. My life would have a gaping hole in it without him.

Today I'm getting the chance to go visit my aunt, uncle and cousins. I have to say, the Clark family is perhaps one of my favorite groups of people to be around. They are genuine, loving, and downright funny. All year long I wait for the large family gatherings to get to hang out with them, and it is nice to be able to actually go see them for a change.

Tomorrow I'll see an old childhood friend who moved to Pittsburgh a little while back, and that will be a lot of fun. My friends have really scattered to the wind since we all became adults. Missouri, North Carolina, Maryland, Indiana, Kentucky, Ohio, Colorado and Seoul... not to mention the countless Army/Navy/Air Force/Marines who are constantly on the move. Very few people stuck around State College, (but I love the few who did!) and it feels a bit lonely sometimes. With the furthest away I have ever lived being just above Pittsburgh, which is about a 3 1/2 hour drive from my home town, I guess I really kind of wish I had lived a few other places before settling down here. Most likely I would have always been drawn back to State College, I have so many family members locally, but it would have been nice to experience a little more of the world (or heck, even just the country) before putting down roots.

All of this being said, I wouldn't give up my "roots" for anything. Johnny is by far the best part of my life, and if having him means sticking around, then I'm game. I can always travel for a little while and then return to State College. I'm proud of the kid I helped create, and even after almost 5 years of having him around, I am still amazed to look at him and think that I was a part of bringing such an independent and strong human being into this world.

For now, I'm enjoying a little break from my life. Resting, recharging, and having a good time. I couldn't live like this forever, though. Johnny is just too much a part of who I am to spend any real length of time away from him.

easterly parkway & final decisions

So yesterday I had my meeting and tour with Easterly Parkway Elementary. I have to say, while it seemed like a pleasant school, I don't think that I will be choosing it. From what everyone was telling me, I was expecting it to blow Ferguson out of the water, but I didn't get that impression at all when I was there. I liked the principal, Michael Maclay, but I just didn't get the same go-get'em attitude from him as I did from Charlotte Zmyslo. While Smyslo had a team of several people assembled for our meeting and had an entire host of questions for me and facts/figures/examples ready to share, Maclay was on his own and seemed helpful but not fired-up. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with not being a person who is on their toes every second of the day, (it is indeed that is a hard thing to aspire to no matter who you are) but when placing my child in a school because he has special needs, I want as much enthusiasm as possible from the entire network of people who would be helping him. The Ferguson crew wants to send in people to observe him at his preschool, they were throwing ideas at me left and right as to how we can best facilitate the transition for Johnny, and in general just seemed excited. Maclay had a great idea for helping Johnny become more independent toward the end of the school year when it comes to sharing with mom what he did at school, and I think it is a really cool and insightful concept, but that is all I was given. I get the impression that Maclay is very sweet and very good at his job, but that Zmyslo is a powerhouse. When it comes to getting a team to back me in supporting Johnny's educational experience, I think I'll choose a group of people as head-strong as I am.

All of that said, Easterly Parkway really was a beautiful school that I think most students probably thrive in. Would it work for Johnny? Most likely. However, I'm choosing to go a different route. Kindergarten sign-ups begin in 3 days. I'm glad to have gotten that meeting in so that I could make an informed decision. This is especially true because before going in, I had been leaning towards Easterly Parkway simply because they were more centrally located and I'm not quite sure where we will be living. However, I think that an out-of-the-way drive would be totally worth it to have Johnny placed in the school that is the best fit for his situation. Ferguson it is! 4th generation student in the building!

finding peace

I've had a lot of struggles in my life, but by far the biggest one I would say has been finding peace. No matter what situation I am in, I'm always somewhat anxious. Granted, I have more of a reason right now to feel anxious than any other time in my cumulative 27 years of existence, but I'm just a high-strung person. I know how to relax, I know how to have fun, but there is an underlying tone of insecurity that I've never fully been able to shake. In the past, this insecurity has often taken the form of personal insecurity. I've been unsure of who I am and what I want, of who I am meant to be. These past 7-8 years I have spent a lot of time working on those questions, and while I still am a little unsure of what God has planned for me, I do know that I have found myself. For the first time in my life, I am truly comfortable in my own skin, and more importantly, in my own mind. 

But, true to nature, just as I am starting to feel solid in most of the aspects of my life, I'm thrown another curve ball. Suddenly the world has opened up all over again, and I am faced with starting over. 27 is by no means too old to start over, and I do honestly know that this won't be the end of my world, but the whole idea is daunting. Never mind the fact that this time around, I have a kid in tow. 

So now my insecurity is taking a much more tangible form. I'm sure of myself and I'm sure of how I feel and what I believe, but I am absolutely clueless as to what the next several years hold. I am beyond anxious about how I am going to make a life for my son, and I'm just... scared. This is where the finding peace part comes in, Karie. Take a hint. 

You know, I think about the fact that my grandmother, at a similar age, took her 3 kids and started over. How did she find strength? How did she find peace? I know that she had amazingly supportive parents, and I am blessed with an entire network of people who assure me that they won't let me fall, but yet I seem incapable of letting go and trusting that things will work out. I'm scared because I honestly can't hold down a job to save my life, I'm scared because my child is his own special brand of complicated (though amazing), and I'm scared because I never in a million years ever saw my life being where it is right in this moment. In my head, I know that what I need to do is just trust that God will take care of me. I need to let go and just believe. I'll admit, this is perhaps my greatest shortcoming: I search everywhere for peace and struggle to find it, because I am too stubborn to just have faith. I feel the need to personally have control over situations, and there is nothing I fear more in life than being powerless, especially when it comes to providing everything my son needs. So my newest (and oldest) mission is to the test: finding peace. 

remember to breathe

As expected, Johnny is a bit of a hot mess. School seems to be a huge struggle, and when he is with me, he is having constant tantrums and getting set off by things as simple as me breathing. Everything puts him in a rage, and calming him isn't even close to possible most of the time... he has to decide for himself that he wants to.

I've been trying to do special things together when I get my turn with him, but there are only so many activities that I can come up with, especially in the dead of winter and with the stipulation that it be free. We've already exhausted so many of the indoor options throughout the past few months, and my creativity is running low, even in the wake of Pinterest. Yesterday we made "tie dye" cupcakes to take to today's church potluck. I'd never made them before with sugar-free cake batter, and it turns out that where a sugary mix usually convects and mixes together into cool patterns, the sugar-free ones stay pretty much exactly how you pour the batter in. Which, all in all, isn't really a problem: they're just marbled instead of swirled. They ended up pretty cute, albeit kind of Easter themed without meaning to.

For dinner last night I let him pick what we did, and as he wanted "crazy bread" and I had a gift card from Christmas that was for Olive Garden, I took him out. When we got there, it was insanely busy and the line was about an hour long. He was determined though, and started to cry when I suggested that we go home and make our own food. Once I was sure that he understood exactly how long of a wait it would be, and he still remained adamant, I agreed to stay. We literally sat on the floor near the entrance (because what else was I supposed to do? He wanted me to hold him!) and played Angry Birds on my phone for an hour. When it was finally our turn to go eat, I got some soup and he ordered his food: pasta, grapes and salad with a side of "CRAZY BREAD PLEASE!!!" to fill him up. He proceeded to eat only the grapes, croutons from the salad, and bread sticks. Honestly, I didn't push for much else. I made him try a bite of the pasta, but then considered my parenting "eat healthy" duties done for the night because I didn't have the energy to pick a fight over food. We chatted about what he wants to take to school this week to share with his classmates for his turn as Star of the Week. He tried to talk me into taking all 18 of his stuffed Angry Birds, but I'll have to wait and will see what he finally decides on as his (limited to 3) items.

After dinner we came home and sat around for a little while until my cousin texted me and asked if we wanted to come over for the remaining hour before bedtime. YES! Play time with other kiddos! And, as a bonus, some company for mommy. When we got home, (they live 2 blocks away, so we walked) Johnny resumed his angry mode and refused to get ready for bed. After a long battle that consisted mostly of me standing with my back turned to him so that he wasn't getting any attention to fuel the fire, I eventually got him into his room. We then FaceTimed with his daddy and read his Bible, said prayers, and went to bed.

The thing that I think I am having the hardest time with when it comes to Johnny is that I just can't even begin to figure out how I can help him with the emotional roller coaster he is on. Mommy is the "bad guy" because he thinks that mommy is making daddy leave the house on his nights off. He asked me why I won't let daddy come home. He spends the majority of his less-angry moments with me begging to see his daddy and crying because he misses him. The most ironic part: he is actually spending more one-on-one time with his daddy than ever before. And while my head is just screaming that none of this is my choice and that I don't want things to be like this any more than he does, I'm a mom... I can't say any of that. All I can do is hold him and reassure him that his daddy loves him and misses him too; let him know that he is allowed to have whatever feeling he is experiencing and that it is okay to be upset. I have to stand there and take it, because that is what my little guy deserves. He deserves every last ounce of support I can give him.

A friend of mine gave me this perspective: with a stay-at-home mom, kids know that they will always be loved no matter how they act. Johnny knows that he can fall apart or be really really angry at me and throw a million tantrums, and it will never change how I feel about him or how much I love him. Countless hours spent together have shown him that. Dads are more of a mystery because they don't spend as much time together and kids don't tend to see daddy as an emotional support. For the rest of my life, his daddy will always be the "fun one"... but this doesn't mean that mommy can't be fun or that he prefers to spend time with his daddy more (though there will definitely be times where that is the case). All it means is that he sees mommy as primarily one thing: safe. And if that is how my little guy is going to view me, I'm okay with that.

In his prayers last night, he asked God to help mommy be able to sleep. Thanks, buddy. For the first time in months, I really did.