So, I didn't actually expect my kid to be only 4 when he came to me with questions about the subject of death. Last night, after having been put to sleep, Johnny came running out of his room sobbing and crawled up into my lap, repeatedly asking, "What will I do? What will I DO?" The poor little dude was so upset I could barely calm him down enough to explain. I asked him what he was talking about?!
"What will I do if you and daddy both die? I won't have any parents! I won't have anyone to take care of me! I WON'T HAVE PARENTS!"
My heart hurt. I felt the heart in my chest constrict painfully.
After many reassurances that mommy and daddy are here for him and not going anywhere, (because I really don't need my kid to have nightmares about the possibility of death and how it reaches everyone at different points in their life -- he is far too literal for that at this age) he began to calm down. Lots of hugs, rocking, holding him tight... Steve and I finally talked him back into his room and Steve tucked him in again.
Not even 5 minutes later, I hear Johnny bawling again. He came running out of his room for a second time and crawled back onto me, voicing his new fear: "What about Nana? SHE DOESN'T HAVE ANY PARENTS!!!" Well, yes. Nana doesn't have any parents, as she is in her 80's and they passed on long before I even met her. Steve said he was a baby when they died. "BUT SHE WILL BE ALL ALOOOOONE!" Johnny continued to sob. He insisted that Nana needs new parents and that we had to find some. He was genuinely terrified for her. If he can't live without his parents, how can anyone live that way? With no one to tuck them in at night and feed them Special Chocolate Drinks? He was convinced that Nana can't take care of herself and that the only people in life with a caregiver role are parents. We talked him off the ledge so-to-speak and got him calm again. Aunt Lizzie, via text message, promised to be Nana's new parent. After an argument that Nana needs a dad too, Lizzie promised to find one and that it would be alright. We gave him extra hugs and kisses again, and he went back to bed. Thankfully, he did fall asleep. He hasn't said a word about death since he woke up this morning, and I'm hoping the fear has passed.
Johnny's fear is legitimate, though. I'm not saying Steve or I are going to die anytime soon, but if I were to make a list of the things I fear most in life, Johnny's death is at the very top. I understand his desperation and complete terror. I don't know how I would pick myself back up if something were to happen to my son. Am I a bad wife for feeling that the loss of my child would actually be even harder for me than the loss of my husband? I don't think so. Steve and I both agreed a long time ago that if it came down to a matter of saving a child or a spouse, (say in a burning building) we'd both save our kid and expect the other to do the same. I don't think either of us could look at the other if we had chosen our spouse's life over that of the little human we have created together. There would be no forgiveness. I'll readily admit, I'm just not that big of a person. There is nothing scarier in my life than the thought of losing my son. And I'm sure that feeling will extend to any additional children down the road.
So, Johnny has become afraid of death. I don't want him to be, but I understand it. I also think there is something to be said about understanding the value of life. While the little dude doesn't fully grasp the concept of death and all that it entails, (thank goodness!) he does understand things to a certain extent. Maybe now it will be easier for him to understand why mama says we don't "kill" the pigs in Angry Birds, we "squish" them: they just disappear before reappearing in the next level. Because while he is only 4 years old, a young and (mostly) innocent child, death should have no role in his life. It is a sad day when death reaches into the life of any child.
Grandpa Gary said we can look for a new father for Nana on eBay. They sell everything on there.
"What will I do if you and daddy both die? I won't have any parents! I won't have anyone to take care of me! I WON'T HAVE PARENTS!"
My heart hurt. I felt the heart in my chest constrict painfully.
After many reassurances that mommy and daddy are here for him and not going anywhere, (because I really don't need my kid to have nightmares about the possibility of death and how it reaches everyone at different points in their life -- he is far too literal for that at this age) he began to calm down. Lots of hugs, rocking, holding him tight... Steve and I finally talked him back into his room and Steve tucked him in again.
Not even 5 minutes later, I hear Johnny bawling again. He came running out of his room for a second time and crawled back onto me, voicing his new fear: "What about Nana? SHE DOESN'T HAVE ANY PARENTS!!!" Well, yes. Nana doesn't have any parents, as she is in her 80's and they passed on long before I even met her. Steve said he was a baby when they died. "BUT SHE WILL BE ALL ALOOOOONE!" Johnny continued to sob. He insisted that Nana needs new parents and that we had to find some. He was genuinely terrified for her. If he can't live without his parents, how can anyone live that way? With no one to tuck them in at night and feed them Special Chocolate Drinks? He was convinced that Nana can't take care of herself and that the only people in life with a caregiver role are parents. We talked him off the ledge so-to-speak and got him calm again. Aunt Lizzie, via text message, promised to be Nana's new parent. After an argument that Nana needs a dad too, Lizzie promised to find one and that it would be alright. We gave him extra hugs and kisses again, and he went back to bed. Thankfully, he did fall asleep. He hasn't said a word about death since he woke up this morning, and I'm hoping the fear has passed.
Johnny's fear is legitimate, though. I'm not saying Steve or I are going to die anytime soon, but if I were to make a list of the things I fear most in life, Johnny's death is at the very top. I understand his desperation and complete terror. I don't know how I would pick myself back up if something were to happen to my son. Am I a bad wife for feeling that the loss of my child would actually be even harder for me than the loss of my husband? I don't think so. Steve and I both agreed a long time ago that if it came down to a matter of saving a child or a spouse, (say in a burning building) we'd both save our kid and expect the other to do the same. I don't think either of us could look at the other if we had chosen our spouse's life over that of the little human we have created together. There would be no forgiveness. I'll readily admit, I'm just not that big of a person. There is nothing scarier in my life than the thought of losing my son. And I'm sure that feeling will extend to any additional children down the road.
So, Johnny has become afraid of death. I don't want him to be, but I understand it. I also think there is something to be said about understanding the value of life. While the little dude doesn't fully grasp the concept of death and all that it entails, (thank goodness!) he does understand things to a certain extent. Maybe now it will be easier for him to understand why mama says we don't "kill" the pigs in Angry Birds, we "squish" them: they just disappear before reappearing in the next level. Because while he is only 4 years old, a young and (mostly) innocent child, death should have no role in his life. It is a sad day when death reaches into the life of any child.
Grandpa Gary said we can look for a new father for Nana on eBay. They sell everything on there.
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