Yesterday was one of those days where every single bad thing about my life felt impossible to ignore or overcome. As someone who is medicated to help with mood stabilization, my meds apparently took the day off (despite knowing I hadn't forgotten them that morning and haven't missed a dose in weeks). Obviously I'm not about to spill all the ins-and-outs of my situation to the entire internet, but suffice it to say that I've been dealing with more than my fair share of negative circumstances, and I was feeling extremely alone in my suffering. While my life is returning to "normal" in terms of my ability to take on menial tasks such cleaning some of the house and helping the kid with his projects, my emotions seem to have gone in the opposite direction. Countless people have warned me that at some point a few weeks after losing the baby, this would happen. The thing is, it happened immediately with my first loss. This time, while I was definitely upset and depressed when it first occurred, I seem to have hit an emotional wall head-first, 7 weeks later. (They definitely never mentioned every other aspect of my life would come into play at the same time!) And true to form with my diagnosis of bipolar disorder and the black-and-white of the Asperger's, everything was bad. Nothing about my life was right; I lost a second baby, everything else wasn't working, I had failed to personally accomplish anything in the last 10 years, and all aspects of my relationships with those who were supposed to be close to me were in dire straits.
Yes, yes, in the light of the morning the next day, I'm doing better again. But it doesn't negate how overwhelmed I was yesterday. It doesn't take away all of the pain I am feeling for multiple reasons in my life right now, and it doesn't take away the feeling that there is no one I am able to talk to about all aspects of it. Sure, some people I can discuss one part of my life with and others might be able to listen to a different part, but I currently have no one person I feel I can completely open up to and have be here next to me for comfort. There is something seriously wrong with that, and yet, it is the story of my life. People don't "get" me, and they certainly don't seem interested in trying to. Believe it or not, despite the preconceptions of those with Asperger's, I am extremely invested in my relationships with others and desperately want for things to be two-sided. I can be one of the most supportive friends anyone could ever have, if only people would let me be.
Anyway, enough of the depressing. My own little therapeutic use of blogging to express myself is done for the day. In the meantime, I will share the one bright spot of my day yesterday. It is actually quite a big deal for those who know what all I've been through with Johnny's sensory problems over the past two and a half years...
Johnny went all day in the same diaper! From bed time the night before until bed time last night (and still this morning, actually) he has been in one single dry diaper. He has never before only used the potty like this. He got a big prize at the end of the day and promises of yet another if he can do it again. If I can ever get him to do this a good 3 or 4 days in a row, I'm going to even more enthusiastically push "big boy underwear" on him. At 4 1/2, it isn't something you can literally force on a kid, but it is definitely something you can talk them into if they are having a lot of success!
*So proud!*
Yes, yes, in the light of the morning the next day, I'm doing better again. But it doesn't negate how overwhelmed I was yesterday. It doesn't take away all of the pain I am feeling for multiple reasons in my life right now, and it doesn't take away the feeling that there is no one I am able to talk to about all aspects of it. Sure, some people I can discuss one part of my life with and others might be able to listen to a different part, but I currently have no one person I feel I can completely open up to and have be here next to me for comfort. There is something seriously wrong with that, and yet, it is the story of my life. People don't "get" me, and they certainly don't seem interested in trying to. Believe it or not, despite the preconceptions of those with Asperger's, I am extremely invested in my relationships with others and desperately want for things to be two-sided. I can be one of the most supportive friends anyone could ever have, if only people would let me be.
Anyway, enough of the depressing. My own little therapeutic use of blogging to express myself is done for the day. In the meantime, I will share the one bright spot of my day yesterday. It is actually quite a big deal for those who know what all I've been through with Johnny's sensory problems over the past two and a half years...
Johnny went all day in the same diaper! From bed time the night before until bed time last night (and still this morning, actually) he has been in one single dry diaper. He has never before only used the potty like this. He got a big prize at the end of the day and promises of yet another if he can do it again. If I can ever get him to do this a good 3 or 4 days in a row, I'm going to even more enthusiastically push "big boy underwear" on him. At 4 1/2, it isn't something you can literally force on a kid, but it is definitely something you can talk them into if they are having a lot of success!
*So proud!*
<3 I may not be able to give you the right words of encouragement and if possible be more socially awkward at expressing to friends and family how much I love them than you are.. But to my dearest sister from another mother-I'm always here to listen.. Big hugs! Yay!
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