exhausted

I am so tired, I can't even begin to describe it. The house is mostly packed, though I know I'll never get all of the little things done before the time comes. I've spent the last day and a half trying to get as much homework done as possible in advance so that when the time comes to move, I won't have to worry about school. However, everything getting packed up means that Johnny is without pretty much all of his toys at the moment. While I didn't have him over the weekend, and I only have him one more full day between now and the move, I feel bad that he is left without much to do. I typically make a point of not finding ways to entertain him every second of the day and instead force him to play independently some, but I have a feeling that the next few days are going to involve more screen time than I would usually allow. On the up side, he at least has a play date coming up on Thursday evening while I move stuff!

What I need is a full 24 hours to sleep, with nothing hanging over me that needs to be done. I know, funny, right? In a dream world...

a question of timing

So... when do you tell your kid that you've started dating? I mean, he is 5. It wouldn't be so much hey, I'm dating now as it would be here, meet the guy I'm serious about. But at that, when has enough time passed? Johnny is still wrapping his head around the idea that mommy and daddy aren't married anymore. Obviously we're nowhere near that point quite yet because he wouldn't handle it well at all, but it still poses an interesting question. And really, for any of you who know me, I don't fall that easily but when I do, I fall hard and fast. While I've only really been in love twice, I also have grown and experienced enough to know exactly what I want and need in a man. When I am certain that I have who and what I want, it is going to be hard for me to wait around. As within all aspects of life, I am struggling to understand balance. Where is the line drawn that takes Johnny from unready to handle something like that to good-to-go? He is 16 years younger than I was when my parents got divorced... I don't know how to approach it from that age/angle. I know that it took me a very long time to adjust to the idea of my mom remarrying, (she had been married to my step-dad Chris for about a year before I was finally okay with it) but Johnny hasn't experienced much of life yet... how much does he really comprehend time in longer amounts than days or weeks? How long would it take for him to stop seeing mommy and daddy as a single unit and instead view us as two different parts of his life? Moving into a new house away from the one we once shared together as a family will be immensely helpful, I'm sure. But still... I have no idea how (or when) I'm going to do this.

Little Man doesn't handle change well. I wish my adult life and choices didn't impact him so much.

clowns

I have to say, I really think that even though Johnny has only been to 2 sessions so far, his new Art Therapy appointments have been going really well and have been helpful. The other day, Johnny had his appointment right before we were leaving town to go to the circus in Altoona with my mom and step-dad. Johnny was really anxious about going, and he was convinced that the clowns would be too scary. We talked about it during his therapy session, and his therapist explained that whenever he didn't want to see them, all he had to do was close his eyes or turn away. She told him that they are normal people who are just dressed up silly, and that it is okay if he doesn't like them.

Come time for the circus, Johnny still seemed a little anxious. The circus was at the Jaffa Shrine, (Masons) and my step-dad Chris belongs to the fraternity. Both Pappy Chris and Grammy knew all of the guys dressed up as clowns, and one of them had said that he wanted to meet Chris' grandson. We took Johnny on down to the floor and over to their friend, and at first Johnny was really shy and turned away. When Grammy explained that she knew that clown and that they are friends, Johnny warmed up a little. Then the clown pulled out an extra red nose to give to Johnny. The smile that lit up his face was amazing! I couldn't be more proud of how he ended up handling the situation, and afterward he repeatedly informed us that clowns "aren't really scary" and that some of them are even "cool".

The little steps forward keep me grounded in the middle of all of this chaos.